Confidentially Connie

This is very possibly the worst movie I ever watched. But my wife and I sat through it, remarking later that it was as riveting as a slow-motion train wreck. This movie is so bad, we wondered how it was ever put on film. From initial premise to final scene, everything about this movie is the pits.

The premise of the movie is that the faculty at a small Maine college (symbolizing small colleges, in general) is so underpaid that putting red meat of any kind on the table is an extreme luxury, and a real budget-buster. On the other hand, they have money to eat plenty of fish and pay for loads of vitamins. The economics of this film also permit sacrificing cigarettes in order to eat lamb chops. In 1950 how much did cigarettes cost - 20 cents a pack? Whew, that seems like a lot of foregone smoking!

The meddlesome parent of a newlywed couple is hardly an original idea for comedy, but here it never generates a smile. The young couple are portrayed by Janet Leigh and Van Johnson. After his initial appearance, Van Johnson portrays his character as Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, in the deepest of tragedies. Meanwhile, Louis Calhern, Johnson's "Pop" up from Texas, is hamming it up as a wealthy cattleman. Janet Leigh, somewhere in between, seems to think she is June Cleaver before giving birth to Wally. The director never seems to have any of them pulling in the same direction at the same time, consequently the boat just goes 'round and 'round and eventually capsizes.

The preoccupation with meat makes for one of the most bizarre plots ever made into a picture by a Hollywood studio. It was so freaky that I admit to never paying attention to whether the lines, themselves, if delivered by other actors under the direction of another director might have been funny. Let me think... NAAAAH, No Way! But, if you are a movie junkie and want to see a historically bad film - and I don't mean cheesy, like some B sci-fi flick - check this one out. You'll be puzzled hours after you watched it - "Just what hit me?"

Connie has a problem. She wants meat. There is some suggestion that her craving is pregnancy related, but her meat obsession seems well engrained. A local butcher describes her as "knowing the price of every cut." This is not new for her, Connie is "meat people," the sort who might name their first born Chuck or Patty. Janet Leigh, the gorgeous movie star, tempts her guests with a tray full of steaks. Don't think anyone will disagree, this is a weird film.

The whole meat crazy town explodes with a meat price war with angry mobs, meat investment schemes, and political intrigue. One Meatville citizen refers to their freezer full of meat a "our own little Fort Knox."

Connie's craving erupts early when she gives up smoking (oh no!) to buy 4 lamb chops. Should she be trading one vice for another? She looks up all dreamy-eyed at the table and says with her wide eyes "Why you know how I feel about ... meat." When Paw presents her with a sirloin strip, Connie admits she rates meat above jewels, minks, or money.

The old professor delays news of his decision on the big promotion so that he can enjoy the meat laden dinners at the homes of brown-nosing job candidates. Then, he accurately predicts the beef stew for dinner that night. Our couple moves into the lead on the job opening by serving a superior cut of meat.

Turns out Connie's husband, Joe, comes from a ranch, a successful producer of what my uncle called meat-on-the-hoof. After Paw says, "Thar aint nothin better than meat," Connie weakens at the thought and halfway collapses against the door frame as if she were leaving a smitten lover. All she can think of is meat. Paw wakes up from a ridiculous dream and comes to the obvious conclusion, "That girl has got to have meat." I'd say this Connie is the most meat obsessed starlet I've ever seen.

Van johnson, janet leigh. Gene AND kathleen lockhart! Joe and connie are expecting a baby. He's a teacher, not making so much, but that's okay with connie. But now that there's a baby on the way, she suddenly decides joe should go back and work on the family farm, for the money. Apparently, in those days, there was good money in farming! Will joe's dad help him get a promotion at the school, or will he sabotage joe's chances, just to get him to come work on the ranch? It's okay.... directed by ed buzzell. Had made two films with the marx brothers! And two with van johnson. An early-ish role for leigh, eight years before psycho.

On a bad day in a bad week it made me smile a lot. It was far from perfect but in today's world of nasty being the default for just about everything and everyone it did it's job at least for me.

This is a comedy that is hilariously nutso bad. Van Johnson is Joe Bedloe, a teacher in a small New England college. He's perfectly happy instilling a new generation of American students with an appreciation for the writing of William Shakespeare. His wife Connie, portrayed by Janet Leigh, is expecting their first child and they live in a cute little two-story house. But being a professional intellectual doesn't provide enough money to keep the family table filled with plates of meat. "Haven't seen a rib roast since 1948." The town butcher Emil Spangenberg, played by Walter Slezak, prescribes a dietary regimen for the mother-to-be: "Meat. So I'd have a strong, healthy baby." In this town of meat hungry carnivores, populated by meat junkies, the butcher's role is tantamount to the one provided today by dispensers of medical marijuana.

De-toxing from the red meat craving by going cold turkey is to be avoided at all costs. That's where Joe's father Opie Bedloe comes into the picture. He's of all things a prosperous Texas cattle baron! When he comes to visit the couple he is horrified to learn that his son is such a poor family provider. It's not that this husband can't provide his wife with jewels and furs and lavish vacations. His beef is that Professor Joe can't shower the woman with…beef!

Cultural satire when well done can be a great comedic look at society. When done in this movie it is a ham handed misfire, a plate of baloney adulterated by coy whimsy and artificial ingredients.

I give this a 2 in recognition of what I interpret as scriptwriter's Max Shulman's mockery of the American mindset of entitlement to all the consumer bounties of life. Hip, hip, hooray! It's the American Way!