A Karate Christmas Miracle

I don't know why I would have expected anything different.

The first thought I had as I began watching, noting the excruciating heavy-handed gaucheness on display, was to wonder if this was a film from The Asylum. There is no effort to attain the slightest measure of authenticity. "Newspaper clippings" are obviously Microsoft Word documents printed on standard 8.5" by 11" paper. Performances are either direly over the top, with much chewing of scenery - or utterly bored and disinterested, clearly not at all invested in the schlock that is providing the actors' paychecks. There is no middle ground. There is no subtlety to be found at any point, least of all as the screenplay makes astounding leaps across a veritable multiverse of hodgepodge plot ideas that make no sense. If there are connective threads between scenes, characters, or story beats, then they are invisible and intangible.

Then I noted the utterly terrible production values with lighting and image quality so glaring as to nearly be painful to the eyes. And with that, the second thought I had as I began watching was that this is clearly too low-budget, too poorly conceived, and too thoughtlessly rendered to be an Asylum feature. I take one glance at the other pictures with which "Justice for All Productions" has been involved, and I recognize garbage so foul that cockroaches would abstain, and other titles with a premise so plainly dubious that I'm given no reason to think they're any less rotten. Dialogue is tortuous to behold as a viewer, and characters are as thin as split hairs and strain credulity beyond all comprehension. Scene writing and the overall narrative are abhorrent - disjointed, nonsensical, written and executed with no care or mindfulness at all, and obliterating suspension of disbelief. Direction, editing, effects, camerawork, music - nothing here is spared from what may well be the very worst storytelling and film-making I've ever seen.

I wish I could say I were exaggerating. But the third thought I had as I began watching was that the "miracle" we actually need is for this film to be erased from existence - to have never been in the first place. It is wholly putrid, bereft of worth or value. It's the sort of production that makes Eric Roberts seem like a paragon of acting expertise compared to his co-stars, or even compared to the apparent equivalent skill level of the crew, the writers, or the director. It's the sort of production that makes one wish all contributors would be blacklisted and genuinely forbidden from ever having a hand in cinema ever again.

And I had all these thoughts within only the first 10 minutes. It only ever got worse.

To call 'A karate Christmas miracle' an abomination is probably a disservice to other miscellanea that may share the word or its derivatives in their name (e.g. 'The abominable Dr. Phibes,' "the Abominable Snowman," or Bill Nighy's delivery of the word "abomination" in the 2003 action-horror film 'Underworld'). I can think of no pejoratives with which to describe this title that wouldn't in the same breath, by association, insult something else described with the same word. I've seen too many movies that quickly impressed as below the bottom of the barrel of cinematic putrescence, and still this somehow manages to dig deeper still. There is no reason to watch this - there never has been, and there never will be.

Anyone who makes the unfortunate mistake of watching 'A karate Christmas miracle' should be generously compensated for the arduous labor of the experience. The fact that such a transaction will never happen certainly cements the fact that this should never be viewed by anyone.

Mostly a boring Hallmark-tier movie but what keeps it somewhat entertaining are the weird Lynchian scenes that involve how the main character's dad disappeared a year ago after a mass shooting in a movie theater committed by a guy in a clown outfit. These appear in psychic visions that portray the mastermind monologuing about how no one truly understands his grand vision, played by Eric Roberts of all people. These surreal moments come out of nowhere and are barely explained, so they're at least good for waking you up from how much of a snoozefest the rest of this film is. Every one in this can't act to save their lives , especially the main kid who might just have to worst "trying to fake a nightmare" acting I've ever seen.

If you're looking to be entertained by a "so bad it's good" movie this Christmas, you'll end up sadly disappointed in A Karate Christmas Miracle as anything that might remotely be entertaining about this premise is wasted on going through tropes that were already played out on Lifetime 10 years ago. Avoid unless you like torturing yourself.

This is so bad it's funny. This was made as a joke, right? Couldn't they even get someone who knew what karate was?

I don't understand how something like this can even get made. I also don't know what is more insulting, the cinematography, the transitions, the conclusion, or just the disgusting use of a tragedy for name drops in a movie.

Jesse's father disappeared on Christmas the previous year and they've heard nothing from him. He might be dead, he might have run away or he might have just realized what a bad movie it is and ran off. But young Jesse (Mario Del Vecchio) is having weird dreams about Eric Roberts and some evil clown having kidnapped the man and are holding him prisoner. And, in order to magically get his release, Jesse is convinced he must progress from a yellow belt in martial arts to a black belt in a week. First, HOW would this release the father??? Secondly, the yellow belt is among the lowest ranks and even Chuck Norris or Bruce Lee at their prime couldn't have progressed through a half dozen or so belts this quickly! Jesse apparently is teaching himself karate...and is giving himself these belts as he thinks he's attained them. In other words, Jesse is delusional and seems to be cheating just a bit.

At the same time, Jesse's workaholic mother wants to desperately find her husband...so much so that he pursues a psychic and begs her to help, even though the lady has retired from the craft. Oddly, almost as soon as the psychic agrees to help, the mother begs her to drop the case and go her way. I do not understand ANY of this, but it makes about as much sense as Jesse becoming a black belt in less than a week.

So is any of this good? No. It's not a dislikable film but it is very, very badly written, makes no sense and has the lowest possible production values imaginable. There is nothing about the film that is good...which makes the couple overly glowing reviews seem very, very odd.

This is not a movie.

It's pure insanity, worthy of any group get-together. No one would believe you if you watched this by yourself. If you tried, it would sound MAYBE something like this:

This is seven, maybe seven "movies" put together through a fax machine, that set the fax machine on fire, and THEN, after whomever doused it with as much kerosene & jet fuel as possible to TRY and put it out... that nameless person (or people) thought to themselves, "... ya, this can work."

You want a good laugh? You want to lose your mind in the process? AND you want some Christmas flair added to it, that truly has nothing to do with anything?

Well say no more!

And even AFTER explaining all of that - you blink, then immediately realizing you have no friends (possibly because they all left in the process and/or didn't want to have an aneurism in front of you) and you lost your shoes. Don't ask. You did this to yourself.