Blackbird

I watched this film on line a few days ago and really struggled to watch it all the way through, though I did spend some of the time playing a card game on my phone.

It is essentially a series of poorly executed cliches more stolen than 'based upon' old movies. The acting ranges from disinterested to awful and the experience left me surprised that I couldn't even laugh at it. Just bad.

I note that 5 reviews award it 10/10. Mmmm. I quite liked the Austin Powers movies, but I hadn't realised they were masterpieces until I half-watched this.

I hadn't realised until afterwards that Mr Flatley had produced this as a sort of 'vanity project', but that does go some way to explaining the inexplicable heroism and misogynism on display here.

This film should have been made in Kansas. The dialogue is so corny, that even the B actors trying to say the lines at least deserve an award for keeping a straight face as they deliver these lines of drivel. The film must have been written by a first year film student during his or her lunch break. The dialogue is so bad, it sounds improvised without a director present. There is no director on earth who could have saved this turkey. They would have been much better off trying to play this as a satire, but it would have failed badly at that as well. Please do not waste your money seeing this poor excuse for a film. I saw it for free, and needed two gin and tonics to get over my experience.

How are people giving this more than one star? You're only encouraging him to make a sequel. It's just awful.

He can't act, the actors don't want to act. The dialogue is like something a twelve year old boy would write and get a D in English. It absolutely crawls along and spends most of the film focusing on the "what happened ten year years ago" story.

The opening funeral scene is like a bad Bord Failte ad for the American market. He even has the lad playing Uileann pipes in the bar.

There are a couple of genuine laugh out loud scenes (that are not meant to be funny) That said, I couldn't turn it off as I just had to see could it get any better/WORSE, soI suppose it merits the one star by default.

Directed by Michael Flatley, written by Michael Flatley, produced by Michael Flatley, financed by Michael Flatley and starring Michael Flatley as Victor Blackley.

I so much wanted to love this film, I came into it with high hopes of cheesy one liners, over-the-top action, a classic plot straight from the 80's and all set in Ireland, but it is neither of those, just a pretty lame film all round. An ego trip.

Victor Blackley (Michael Flatley) is an ex secret agent belonging to a group called the Chieftains, he now runs a speak easy in the Caribbean. All round bad guy Blake (Eric Roberts) enters his establishment to do a dodgy deal with terrorists that could destroy all mankind, on his arm is Vivian (Nicole Evans) a former fling of Victors. Will Blackley be able to save the world and his girl?

Apart from Michael Flatley's 300 grand entries. It's really 80 mins of peacocking, postering, posing, smiling, old men and hot young women. Oh, and 5 mins of action near the end.

The plot is weak, so much doesn't make sense and comes across as an ego enhancer. You spend 70 mins not knowing where it is going, only to be disappointed when it gets there. The dialogue is poorly written. I feel Flatley had too much hands on and maybe should of let someone else take the reigns because it had the bones of a great action flick in there somewhere.

Without bad mouthing Michael Flatley too much, his acting is decent and he can rock a hat, unlike Patrick Bergin who seems to have just shown up for a pay check. The others do what they have to along with Eric Roberts as always. Possibly the stand outs are Ian Beattie as Nick and the beautiful Nicole Evans.

All and all a few laughs at the plot choices, but feels like a 150 min film, rather than 90 mins. Some of the scenic settings are great and you could watch the mesmerising Mary Louise Kelly as Madeleine all day. Avoid the cinema, watch it at home with a few beers with the lads. It might get more laughs that way. With all that I'm still looking forward to the sequel.

For the cheesemeisters: During the showdown, when Blackley goes off screen to beat up a few bad guys is like something from Looney Tunes.

I'll make this brief as others that liked it more have gone into good detail. Indeed its a peacocks view of himself. Flatley should never write/direct again unless he's directing choreography. I kept up hope that a Bogart or Bond type would appear but alas, nothing but poor acting & campy attempts trying to move a poorly done movie to the grave. Even Eric Roberts has lost his craft & devolved into becoming a caricature of a bad guy. The great looking women were the only redemption.

Now, the hat.... Why did no one tell Flatley to fix the hat? He chose to wear it like a "gay blade" or a runway model & not like the former 'badass agent' he was supposed to be.

I rated this generously bc of the great looking women, especially the singer.