Now, it could be that everyone who sees this movie is completely misunderstanding it. What is seen as terrible, wooden acting, is actually carefully worked-out performance meant to keep the viewer off-kilter. The papier-mâché creature, a shark injected with human DNA that can come on land, rather than being more laughable than a middle school kid's attempt at special fx, challenges our desire for spectacle and for demonizing nature. The generic synth music and stock musical cues, claimed by critics to be less emotionally inspiring than the sound of lint falling out a bellybutton, reimagines terror as a deconstruction of melody and music's immersive illusion.
There are a lot characters without names (with less characterization and screen time than the time it takes to roll your eyes) who die graphic, bloody deaths. This means POV shot with a distortion plugin, actor falls, screaming, shot of fake-looking shark jaws, then shot of ketschup being sprayed on a wall as if it were a hotdog. We see a hot date with dumb young adults literally talking about meeting on Tinder, which I'm sure is a commentary on how ephemeral and unreliable technology has rendered our relationships.
The rest of the movie follows two scientists, Foster and Lucinda, tracking down the Land Sharks and having several epic, nearly mortal battles with them. They work for an evil corporation (made up of one middle-aged woman on Skype) trying to weaponize sharks to fight on land and sea. Yes, it's only a slightly more absurd premise than Vincent D'Onofrio's attempt to weaponize raptors in Jurassic World.
Thankfully, our leads have turns of philosophical rivalry and sexual tension. They get profound dialogue such as this:
Foster: Well, we can't do anymore tonight, so, we'll have to get a motel.
Lucinda: Oh, separate rooms.
Foster: Trust me, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Lucinda: At least we agree on something.
The movie ends with a confrontation between good and evil, man and nature, beauty and beast. We're left hungry for the chum suggestive of a continued saga in Land Shark 2: Land of the Sharks, dumped into the opaque waters of the conclusion.
I don't believe I watched this movie. I could only do it by writing this review most of the time, and looking up occasionally to see what was happening on screen. 2/10. Available on. Amazon Prime for your viewing pleasure.
