Swamp Ape

The acting? Laughable. The dialogue? Unbelievable The monster? Now I know what happened to that old carpet that I threw out onto the curb last year.

In the ratings there are a lot of 10's, fully 30% of them. Then the rest of the ratings seem to hover toward the bottom. Clearly what happened is that they got their friends to rate it highly.

We wanted a throw away movie for tonight, so thought we'd try it. It was one hour long, which tells you all you need to know.

Where to start (I mean after stealing my old carpet)? A bunch of college students go collecting something in the Everglades. They have no idea what they are doing, but one of them fills a stopper with water. The professor does nothing but berate them. We don't even know what he is a professor of.

The monster seems to prefer women who are having their periods, so there are a number of period "jokes." One of the actors, also the director and writer, runs around most of the movie showing off his buff physique in his whitey tighties, the resident Native American (who they call "chief" believe it or not) is so clearly from India or somewhere and not Native American, the gun is a toy, the black woman is supposed to be funny because she eats everything that doesn't move fast enough, and then they start disappearing (but not quickly enough).

It isn't even good in a campy-bad way. It's just bad in every way.

I hope these folks have day jobs.

With a title like SWAMP APE, how could one NOT be entertained? Well, like this.

A group of college students accompany their professor into the Everglades. Along the way, they visit a souvenir shop in order to spout some of the most brain-deflating dialogue ever written. Thankfully, such banter never stops. Of course, such mindless chatter simply must be coupled with "acting" that can only be described as vastly non-scintillating.

Once they arrive in the actual swamplands, our first question is, "Where the hell is that ape, so he can start killing these people?!". Sadly, the beast is apparently busy elsewhere, perhaps in some other movie, allowing our human cast to further exceed their expiration dates.

After several more stretches of plotless nothingness, the title creature arrives. Limited madness ensues, including the incredible "swamp ape erectile dysfunction" sequence!

Whew!

At only 59 minutes in length, this movie seems eternal. Recommended for only the stoutest of sub-sludge cinema enthusiasts...

Taking a trip into the wilderness, a class of biology students investigating the rising local pollution levels finds their journey interrupted by a discovery that a legendary creature has been stalking them looking for a potential mate and must find a way of getting out of the swamp alive.

For the most part, this one here wasn't too bad but did have some problems. One of the main problems here with the film is the rather campy, low-budget feel and tone present that runs continually throughout this one which is quite frequently throughout here. The most obvious part of that is the actual effects work for the different elements including the CGI gunfire as well as the quick random insert shots of vehicles getting attacked out in the jungle as the creature comes after them through several rather shoddy effects. Even the monster itself falls victim to that being a rather cruddy costume that looks unbelievably cheap in the same sense of wearing a shag-carpet style fur that constitutes the creatures' costume that looks really terrible even before showcasing the big prosthetic attached to the creature that showcases the urge to mate. It's comical and makes for an altogether disappointing and completely lame main monster that's supposed to be scary and chilling. While it looks rather nice when compared to the overall atmosphere and tone of the film, it still sticks out and doesn't really give the kind of impressionable factor that it really deserves. As well, the fact that the film takes so long to get going, with the first half-hour barely having any kind of action with the beast manages to really make for a stumbling first half as this one never really has the time to waste here being just under an hour so to waste that kind of time not doing anything, and to have it be the kind of insipid joking around and goofing on each other just gives this quite a hard time to get through. Though these do tend to hold it back highly, the fact that there's still some rather nice parts here as once the creature appears this one gets some nice action scenes going where the perfunctory smell comes into play to set up some rather thrilling chases in the swamps. The big battle at the campsite where the creature appears in the trap and forces them to take off into the surrounding areas makes for a rather nice time here, and it's big chase to get away makes for a thrilling finale. With some decent gore and a mildly appreciable sense of cheese, it's not entirely terrible but can't really overcome the flaws.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Violence, Brief Nudity and Language.

Horrible Acting In A Horrible Movie ~ Don't Waste You Time ~ All I Did Was Zip Through It And Left After 10 Min ~ Yeah The Jocks Are Hot And Shirtless But Not Enough Of That Will Keep Me Here ~

All parts of the movie are bad. The acting is terrible, but you would assume a cheap movie couldn't afford the best actors.Characters are just stereotypes written from the view of a fourteen year old boy. Fat girl is always eating, or talking about food, the guys are just trying to get laid, the girls are there for to be stared at the plot is somehow worse than a mountain monsters episode. The jokes are no, just no. For those who say this is a B-movie, it's not. The room has quotable lines and such randomness that it's funny because of how dumb it is. This is just all things dumb with a movie. Pass on this even if you are curious on how bad it is. If it had some funny lines or interesting story it could make for a random watch while stoned. I could bet that anyone reading this could come up with a better movie with their friends and some iphones.