The Adventures of Panda Warrior

I'd call this movie a dumpster fire but at least dumpster fires keep the homeless warm during winter.

It has the sort of plot line I'd come up with when I was 8. Every problem gets resolved in 2 minutes, and then a new one pops up. The animation looks like old video game cutscenes. The character designs are terrible. The character's colors keep changing. The voice actors rush through their lines.

And yet, I could not look away. I'm in absolute awe of this movie. I really cannot comprehend what I just saw

This look hilarious in all the wrong ways...and its being Featured by HBOMAX...even funnier..

Whoever made this movie needs to be arrested . Horrible.

There's something about this masterful work of cinema that just speaks to me in such a profound way. Panda Warrior is truly a masterpiece ahead of its time. Everyone speaks poorly about this beautiful foreign film because of its coincidental resemblance to Kung Fu Panda, but Kung Fu Panda is stinky. Therefore, Panda Warrior is far beyond such a waste of time. There's obvious heart put into the character designs: they're incredibly well-made and totally not just a bunch of crappy Blender models bought off the public domain. The plot is complex and tragic: a man turns into a panda after being a crappy soldier, meets up with a weird pig, fights some crap, meets up with a bunch of other animals, then rescues and elf princess and fights a snake who becomes a whale. It's all coherent and intelligently written and the people who made it totally weren't on acid.

Everything about this movie is eye-opening, it's like a combination of Shrek and Jesus. I can just see a couple of recent film school graduates in their 20's being chained up in a dark basement somewhere and forced to make this movie. I can see the tears run down their faces as they animate the majestic characters and voice their profound dialogue. Their painstaking efforts produced perhaps the ultimatum of cinema.

For awhile, I could watch this for free with Xfinity. Those were good days. But then they changed it to "rent or buy",. I had a full-out meltdown and threw the remote at the TV. Afterwards I hid in the shower for five days and went through a depression, slowly becoming insane because they took away the most beautiful thing I ever saw. But the beauty of this film is that its messages and themes had prepared me for this, I was able to pull through and write this review.

Watch Panda Warrior. Watch it five times in a row and write a fanfiction about it or I'll come for you and eat your liver.