Kill 'Em All

Terrible acting from a poor cast following possibly the worst script of any action film (and that's saying a lot). It's just a really bad film. The acting is genuinely awful but that is largely down to cringeworthy writing. The plot has a deep background and it seems to have twists and monumental moments in parts, but these are unrecognisable as you're too far gone to even consider trying to follow what on earth is going on.

The sad thing is JCVD does nothing wrong, plus it seems that this film at least had a half decent budget. Even the choreography for the fights are bad, if you're hiring JCVD the least you need to do is utilise his martial arts abilities. Instead there's nothing special as he fights naff characters.

The reason I give this 3 is because it is actually a film, there is a (poor) beginning, leading to (an even worse) middle, and (equally terrible) ending (complete with someone taking off a wig (that looks like real hair) to reveal her natural hair (which is quite clearly a wig)). There is some semblance of a plot there, and really I feel bad for JCVD for being associated with this when he was given no chance of improving it.

Unfortunately, this has got to be one of Van Dammes worst films. It looks like after all those years of hard partying sure has caught up to him in 2017 as he looked pretty miserable in this. This makes Universal Soldier II look golden. The trailer looked like it would of been a cheesy, so bad it's good 90's throwback action film, but it was just plain bad. It did have a decent supporting cast and a couple of OK action scenes and it was a bit better than say Steven Seagal's stuff, but that isn't saying much. Overall, it's a shame this couldn't have been at least half decent considering Van Damme as of late seemed to have been doing better projects like his show - "Jean Claude Van Johnson". But with a movie like "Kill Em All" his action career doing movies like he used to are long and gone.

3/10

The premise of this movie could have been good but the supporting characters Stormare and Alonzo as agents were just horrible. Their acting was just phoned in and unbelievable. What a shame. It got so bad I wanted to fast forward through their parts. Just get to the good stuff please! The editing in this flick left much to be desired as well. I just hope they had fun making it because it can't have made any money.

Chop chop, punch kick, repeat. Tumble, roll bang bang. Bad guys with bad aim. Plot summary: Revenge killing....bad guys deserved it. Nudity: None Violence: Oh yeah Love scene: could have used one Body count: 22 counting the guy in ER from a heart attack unrelated to the blood bath. Shots fired from same pistol without reloading: 54 Moral of the story: Kill them all

My Ratings: Story 1.00 : Direction 1.00 : Pace 1.25 : Acting 1.25 : Entertaining 1.25 Total 5.75 out of 10

So here we go... a leave your brain at the door extravaganza. This is what the Kickboxer King does best. Though, this is not his best film by a longshot. It is, as always, a thoroughly enjoyable waste of time. Who doesn't enjoy watching the bad guys getting their arses well and truly... and literally... kicked.

This isn't your basic revenge story, it has a little backstory to it that differs a tad from the usual fodder. Maybe this is why it needed three writers. Philip's dad is killed by the bad men, and Phil, quite rightly, wants revenge. So he trains, gets into shape, learns to kill, and then... well, he joins the bad men. Wait a minute, doesn't this mean he has to be like them, thus in effect, becoming them? Oh sorry, forgot to take my brain out. That's better. Now don't think about it, just admire and enjoy the kick-arsery. YEAH.

However, when Phil makes his move, he messes up and gets shot. After arriving at the hospital via an ambulance - why didn't the bad men finish him off... oops, thinking again. His gang mates turn up to finish the job. Not at all concerned about it being a public hospital.

Luckily for Phil, there's nurse Suzy to tend to his boo-boos and fix him up enough to kick arse. There's even a female bad guy so Nurse Suzy can flex her muscles and not feel too left out in the foot-to-arse stakes.

Mostly, the direction is average, though Director Peter Malota does a nice job with the pacing. This slow to begin with but speeds up nicely when the action starts. There are a couple of sections where he slows it down to help the story and to give the viewers a breather.

The shame about the whole affair though is the acting. Now I have, nothing but respect for Peter Stormare, he is a great actor (can you sense a but coming (?)), but (yeah, there it is) he feels as though he's not too fussed to be there. Maybe he needed to pay the utility bills that month and was running short. Just wish he'd put more heart into it. Truthfully, most of the cast seems nonplussed and lacking in the characterisations department. Good job they make up for it in the punching, kicking, and gouging division. Though I will say, Daniel Bernhardt does a great job and both Autumn Reeser and Maria Conchita Alonso have their moments.

That said, the most entertaining scene of the whole film is the father and son fight between Mr and Master Van-Damme. They ought to thank god their family isn't a dysfunctional one. I would hate to see their drunken Friday night slugfest after an argument... I take that back, I would love to see it, and in this movie you do.

This isn't a masterpiece of filmmaking or storytelling, but it is so enjoyable that I would happily recommend this to all the fans of Martial Arts Action Films and to those wondering what the fuss is about. Grab a beer, disengage the brain, sit back, and enjoy. Cheers.

Please kick arse over to my The Game Is Afoot and Holding Out For A Hero lists to see where this slice of Van-Damage ranks. Hopefully, you may find your next viewing pleasure too.

Take Care & Stay Well,