Dickshark

(Barely)

"I'm not cuckoo for Dicksharks!"

Ok. I think it's time to admit defeat here. I am breaking up with Dickshark. I have tried time and time again to love this film. Some day a good movie named Dickshark will be made and we can all forget about the wretched existence of this stinky putrid movie. Maybe I'm meant to create that movie? Is that why I have seen Dickshark six bonking times now?

I'm not trying to be too mean here. I followed the Kickstarter of this thing and even Bill himself admitted that this cut was insane and deranged and should not really be, but there was a demand for it. And I contributed to that. So I'm very, very sorry.

I think 3 hour Dickshark was already asking way too much of any audience. It's a good 90 minute movie, but the problem is that Bill doesn't seem to understand which parts of his movies are good. Every subsequent edit I've seen has removed all of the humor in favor of naked women. Now I blankly love seeing a naked lady as much as anyone else, but come on man... when you so proudly proclaim on the back of your DVD that "NO this is not p-rn. P-rn does not look like this. If you equate nudity with pornography then you are immature." then you're gonna have to give me a reason why anyone would watch 20+ minutes of slow motion close-up p-ssy shots unless they wanted to tack off to it. I'm sorry I'm just not buying it!

I've said more than any normal person would say about a movie like this and I already anticipate the comments here:

"AGAIN?!" "STOP LOGGING DICKSHARK!" "IM SO TIRED OF SEEING YOU WATCH THIS EVERY WEEK!!!"

Look I understand but I just went through hours of mental torment and you are going to hear about it ok!

As expected, in stretching this out to an impossible 7 hours, the majority of the film is comprised of the slow motion nudity bits set to Bill's favorite metal songs. Some of the dialogue scenes are also extended but they're mainly bloopers or bad takes - this, to be fair, is kind of cute. It could certainly be the brain rot this inflicted on me but I did laugh many times. Except none of that matters because for every time I laughed, I wanted to cry, vomit, piss, and stab myself five times over during the duration of this.

I mean there was physical PAIN. My brain was sizzling inside of my skull. It is currently burnt n crispy.

The last 15 minutes are just nature videos. Not related to dicks or sharks or dicksharks or even naked women. Just waterfalls and birds flying around. Goodness.

I honestly have nothing else to say but I think this thing should be studied and maybe used as a torture device.

Let's just call this movie what is and that's porn And not very good porn at that I might add I kinda of expected you might get one partially nude shot and some cutaway sex scenes I guess I was thinking along the lines of dumb fun Like some of the Amityville movies that have gone public domain or other movies along that line This is the first time in a long time I shut off a movie after 10 minutes and that's not something I normally do I will usually sit through a movie no matter how much I dislike it

I'm not sure what I expected But this wasn't it If I wanted to see this kinda movie I'd go to Pornhub instead and probably have a much better time.

Plot

A romantic couple get more than they expected after the husband's experiments with penis-enlargement cream go awry. Wait, this is not a porn story. Rather, it is an absurd science-fiction movie that features a curious new species, the Dickshark. In some ways this story asks the same questions that Mary Shelly did when she wrote "Frankenstein.

Cast

Not being my general type of thing I was unfamiliar with anyone except Erin Brown who is better known as her erotic movie alter ego Misty Mundae.

Verdict

Dickshark was a recommendation otherwise I'd not have likely watched it even for the novelty factor. When I looked on IMDB I facepalmed at the cover art and scratched my head at the runtime, how could this be three hours in length?

Within moments I saw what type of film this was and I use the term film very loosely. Each scene features the same formula, a guy and a girl and for often unexplained reasons she's naked, topless or in her underwear. The banter between them is juvenile, the acting non-existent and then we'll have some involvement with the "Dick Shark" and it makes Scyfy movies look like they're on 200 million budgets.

To be clear there really is no plot here, it's just three hours.....yep it really is three hours....of T&A. Girl jiggles boobs, man makes bad jokes.

The novelty element could have made for a short film but not a feature and certainly not something of this length.

Outside of teen boys I don't see who'd like this and I honestly question if they would either.

Rants

I don't get it, what were they thinking when they made this? Was it a lost bet? Was it a dare? I struggle to believe anyone actually thought this was a good idea. It's like troma mixed with softcore porn but without much sex, I'm really lost for words and blown away that this exists and this is coming from a guy who watches a LOT of weird indie flicks.

Breakdown

Constant close up female genital shots were unnecessary No plot Awful acting Cast have no place in front of the camera Everyone involved should be embarassed.

The film entitled "Dickshark" is a breathtaking piece that challenges everything you thought you knew as a film goer. With acting that would make the likes of Meryl Streep jealous, and robotic sharks that will have Spielberg shaking in his boots. This film is a must watch and is a hilarious tale for individuals of all ages.

Apparently there are different versions of this film as there seem to be versions which differ in length. Several sites/reviewers have pointed out that they watched a version which is about 2 hours 30 minutes. However the version having watched was slight over 1 hour 34 minutes.

As expected this film isn't great but expected something more creative and more over the top given its title. Its clear Bill Zebub isn't exactly trying as these films don't seem too take long to make. "Dickshark" is essentially an low budget adult film of sorts disguised as an artistic indie.

The acting is stale, the comedy isn't funny and the sharks are entirely too fake looking. Based on the plot synopsis before watching, we knew it isn't to be taken serious. Also does not much make sense, as are we to believe the little "shark" in the opening scene is the same one that appears throughout the film and in the end?

Similar to Holocaust Cannibal, this features most of the women appearing nude with silly nonsense dialogue, background music and slow motion fights.