Philippe_K_Bortrand

Disclaimer, I couldn't make it past about 20 minutes, so this review is based off of that. I will say, I thought "Bliss" was fantastic and "VFW" was fun.

I also pride myself on watching an entire movie once I've started it, but I just couldn't do it this time. Heck I've been blasting through Jess Franco and Jean Rollin's movies recently, and I always finish them. Some fine. Some not so fine.

All the complaints you're seeing here about this movie are legit. The first 20 minutes are nothing but exposition and F-bombs.

There's 90s pop-culture references only Gen-exers will get, and even they won't care about them. I didn't.

Good rules of thumb when writing: "Beware the talking heads. Show it, don't say it." These are cardinal rules broken VERY severely right out of the gate in this movie.

Suffice to say I didn't make it 1/3 of the way through the movie, but I sincerely hope the Santa Bot (a Futurama ripoff) slaughtered everyone in the most gruesome way possible, starting with the record store owner.

What I wouldn't give for a time machine and a set of clippers. Ah well.

And let me tell you, if you've got a furniture fetish (yes, you read that correctly), this is the movie for you! I know you're out there somewhere! Own it! Don't be ashamed!

I guess the score would have been kinda cool if it weren't repeated with little variance for nearly the entire movie - most of which is simply Lina Romay walking or frolicking/rolling around while naked.

In fact, that's why I gave this movie 3 stars - because Lina's ridiculously cute. How did she end up with Jess Franco in real life? That guy's uglier than Ron Jeremy.

Anyway, other than that, expect your typical Franco pic - LOTS of focus problems, people rolling around in completely unrealistic sex scenes. Some of us were trying to learn a thing or two while watching this kind of stuff on "Cinemax After Dark" back in the day, and we were misled.

Worth a watch just to gaze into Lina Romay's eyes, which you get to do ad nauseam.

I went into this expecting a grindhouse movie but was instead subjected to a banal, polished Hollywood retread.

It's as if the financiers were like "The fake trailer looked poorly-made. Let's do something different." Duh!

The movie is so predictable, I turned to my son and told him who the killer was less than halfway through the movie. And I was right.

Do you actually like grindhouse cinema? Do yourself a favor - watch the fake trailer 50 times in a row. You'll like it better.

Or do you like sleek, predictable, dreck stories that you've already seen many times before? If so, this feature is for you.