ShadeGrenade

ARTICLE REPRINTED FROM 'MEDIA WITCHHUNT' DATED 9/9/07

'Golden Age Of Television? No It Was Not!'

The highbrow Fifties and Sixties represented broadcasting's zenith, runs the received wisdom. JAMES FLOPINSON begs to differ in an exclusive article you will be able to read in every other paper today...

Here we go again. Some toffee-nosed yesterday's man who used to front 'Panorama' tries to make a name for himself at the Edinburgh Festival by telling us how much 'better' British television was in the 'good old days'. Ho, ho, ho, say I to that. News has been dumbed down, documentaries sensationalised or pushed to the edges of the schedule, and lifestyle programmes dominate the listings. What twaddle! Reality T.V., says the chattering classes, is the blister on the big toe of the modern age, and how much better it was when we had 'The Ascent Of Man', 'Civilization' and 'The Christians'. What these people don't mention of course is that there were only three channels in Britain then. Why? Could not anyone count in those days? If the technology existed to create three channels, why was it not used to create loads more? Alright so there were no reality shows or makeover programmes, but hours of boring programmes showing old people how to play dominoes. None of these shows exists anymore, thank God, but how tedious it must have been for the discriminating viewer who loves to see sixteen year old girls jumping naked into swimming pools. There were huge gaps in the schedules until recently, which meant there was nothing on in the afternoons on B.B.C.-2 except those silly 'Trade Test Films' about homemade cars and cattle carters in Australia, while over on I.T.V. housewives watched 'Crown Court' and cried because it wasn't 'Loose Women'. Yes, there are fewer 'serious' programmes on primetime today. 'Johnny Go Home' could never be made now, and viewers can remain blissfully ignorant of the plight of homeless young people in London. Who remembers 'Market In Honey Lane', the number one show in April 1967? Well, I do, obviously, else I would not have mentioned it here, but millions don't. The news in those days was excruciatingly dull, consisting of a man in a suit sitting behind a desk reciting plain facts. Now we have tasty bimbos bestriding a set that looks like the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise, while jaunty music is used to pep up reports of earthquake disasters in India. We also no longer have inane stuff like 'On The Move' in which Bob Hoskins showed adults how to read. U.S. imports long ago lost their domination of primetime, now we have shows with clever titles like 'My Breasts Need A Firm Hand', '10 Most Embarrassing Things About Being Dead', 'Celebrity Blow Football' and 'Wudja Cudja Kickk Der Bukkit Fer Dosh?'. Saturday night schedules are better too, whereas people once watched 'The Black & White Minstrel Show' with its unmistakeable racial overtones, they can now watch repeats of 'Little Britain' with its unmistakeable racial overtones. Those expensive comedy spectaculars made by L.W.T. have long since been replaced by smug young men at desks cracking gags at the expense of '40's newsreel footage. Progress is a marvellous thing, isn't it? Many shows that would have been on B.B.C-1 in the Sixties are now on B.B.C.-4 where they get far fewer audiences. Just as many shows that are on B.B.C.-1 now will soon be on U.K. Gold where they too will get far fewer audiences. That is the way the game is played. Some B.B.C. executives pontificate about audience segmentation. I think this to be a good thing. Remember the bad old days when 28 milion people all saw the same show? How embarrassing it was to have to admit to your mates the next day you never saw it because your set had exploded? All that is now a thing of the past because nobody watches anything anymore. People get information on programmes from the Internet. Often before they are made. British viewers started a fan club for 'Heroes' before the ink was dry on the pitch document. The golden age of T.V. never existed. There is more now and much of it is far better, Just ask Davina McCall. In the words of Sixties Prime Minister Harold Macmillan 'fetch my shotgun, Dorothy. I'm off to the moor to bag a few grouse'.


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'When I Get Old'

A Funny Little Poem

When I get old
I'm going to have some fun.
I want to irritate, aggravate
and generally annoy everyone.

I'll wear flared trousers
Nylon cardigans, polka-dot cravats,
Tartan scarves, woollen mittens
Orange trousers with great green spats.

I'll throw eggs at The Mayor
Write to 'The Daily Mail'
Send fan mail to Pat Boone
And my loose change to 'Save The Whale'.

I'll go to Asda's and yell &Tesco!&
Donate my laundry to a charity shop
Then when they've washed it all
I'll go there and buy back the lot.

I'll hold up post office queues
By chatting to the staff.
Grow conifers in my front garden
Dump sacks of coal in my bath.

I'll argue with shop assistants
Over the price of a loaf
And when the manager intervenes
I'll call him a 'XXXX-ing oaf'.

I'll drink beer at �1 a pint
Grumble about the juke-box noise.
Jog drinkers' elbows
Pick fights with the rougher boys.

I'll brag about my army days
Even though I didn't serve.
Flash a chestful of plastic medals
Only when I'm old will I have the nerve.

I'll play dodgems with my Tesco trolley
Give dirty looks to unmarried mothers
Castigate disabled drivers
Wave my brolly angrily at all the others.

I'll go on the B.B.C.'s 'Question Time',
To demand that conscription and hanging be brought back.
Endorse the views of Richard Littlejohn
By calling for the Chancellor to get the sack.

When I get old
I want to be all the things I've never been.
A reactionary, a pain in the neck
Not moody, mot magnificent - just plain mean!

copyright Shade Grenade 2007

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