patrick-413

If the Martian was "competence porn", I can only think of Long Distance as "Incompetence porn". Every move made by every character is about as stupid as can be imagined.

The AI is even stupid. It's not even an AI in any real sense. It seems to follow a simple decision tree - the very opposite of Artificial Intelligence. I mean, AI doesn't seem like a promising avenue in real life, but if this is the best we can imagine in Science Fiction, we're really in big trouble. HAL 9000 from 2001 was smarter than this, for goodness' sake.

Oh, and by the way, fire needs at least 16% oxygen to burn, and the planet has 2%. And yet there are open flames all over the ground near the wreckage of their ship many hours after the crash. Think about it - the director sure didn't.

The plot is by the numbers, the characters are one-dimensional, and the alien planet is boring. Very little real suspense or action. You probably won't hate it, but I can't imagine anyone will actually *like* it. Watch it for free if you're bored and or stoned some afternoon. It's the entertainment version of a Jumbo Jack.

This was a pretty good by-the-numbers crime flick. Statham was solid and watchable as always.

My problem here is the acting from literally everyone else. There are some AWFUL performances throughout from the secondary characters. Does Ritchie even care a LITTLE about the acting in his movies? You know, a director is in charge of the action (fine) the story (fine), but most of all - he is in charge of the ACTORS. The performances they give.

Other than Statham, the acting here was about as bad as a full-budget movie can get. Take for instance the guys in the armored car at the beginning. That was high-school level acting at BEST.

And don't even get me started on Eddie Marsan. What the hell kind of American accent was he even attempting. That was embarrassing to watch. I felt bad for him, but worse for myself for having to watch it.

Long story short: don't bother with this if you want to see a good, well-directed movie. It's a time-waster that you should only see if you have some time to kill and can't find anything else.

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to just write "nope" like, 75 times? Probably not. I once complained about the way they make you write a certain amount of characters, and they blocked my review. But the important thing is: this isn't even a movie.

I mean, it's not even entertainment. It certainly bears NO relation to either cinema or literature, or, in fact, any form of art ever created by humans. You know how a Big Mac is not really nutrition? Well, this movie makes that Big Mac seem like a well-balanced meal with lean chicken breast and quinoa.

Amazon has apparently decided to turn on mankind and wipe us out, starting with turning our brains to mush. We need to fight this, any way we can. Start with NEVER watching this "movie".