three-seven

Only one thing surprised me about this film, and that was that Jessica Simpson isn't the worst thing in it. In fact she acquits herself better, in my opinion, than the writers, the director, the producers and most of the cast. If, therefore, you're a Jessica Simpson fan, you might get a kick out of it.

Unfortunately, I am not a Jessica Simpson fan. I'm a Dukes Of Hazzard fan, and I'm gutted.

In the interest of balance, though, I won't dwell on the embarrassing script, uninspired direction or bizarre casting here. Instead. I'll try and mark out the good points.

Um...

Well, OK, the General looks great and the action scenes are surprisingly well-shot, particularly the Atlanta chase scene (although even that is ruined by the tiresome 'comedy' banter peppered throughout). Burt Reynolds, while woefully miscast, delivers another masterclass in scenery chewing. Knoxville and Scott, while (ahem) woefully miscast, at least look like they're having fun. Somebody has to, right? And to be fair, the film does contain one or two laughs. But then so did Schindler's List, and that didn't claim to be a comedy.

I'm not doing too well with this positivity thing, am I? Look, we all knew it was going to be rubbish. By all means watch it if you're curious, but if you grew up with the TV show then don't expect to feel anything but hollow. It really is as bad as you think.

I'm not going to go the way of past reviewers and over-analyse 'The Wraith.'

Try as I might, I can't agree that this is a film of great depth packed with subtle, multi-layered performances. And given its 18 certificate here in the UK, I won't attempt to justify it on the basis of its teen appeal. Quite simply, this is not a great film. Sure, I watched it 15 years ago as a teenager and found it thoroughly entertaining. But I also watched it yesterday as an adult and while it brought a certain amount of (unintentional) amusement, I had to force myself to stay to the end. As a lifelong fan of lame car chase films, I've got to say the action is lamentable. The quality of the acting is pretty much as you'd expect, the dialogue is worse and the plot in general doesn't stand up to even the mildest scrutiny. However, whilst this is one of the worst films of the eighties I can't help but like it for its sheer enthusiasm and self-belief, the earnest cock-rock soundtrack and the cast's uncanny ability to keep a straight face. Oh, and what is possibly the greatest line ever delivered on celluloid. Assume your best Bobcat Goldthwaite shriek and repeat after me: "We gonna beat him like a red-headed stepchild..."

I too watched DMCL again last month after a period of many years, and I have to say that I love it, even though it's truly crap. The dialogue's hackneyed, the plot's over-simplistic and filled with randomly-inserted chunks of juvenile self-indulgence and Susan George's performance tends to make me claw at my ears like a mangy dog but if, like me, you hate what the computer age has done to the car chase, you can't help but enjoy it.

The fact is, you've got a bright yellow '69 Charger at full pelt, outrunning a bunch of genuine Mopar pursuit cars and being rammed by a helicopter - filmed on a road, with a camera. What more do you want? In terms of real action, with no digital effects, speeded-up film or dodgy miniatures, it's up there with The Gumball Rally. And yes, the scene with Vic Morrow standing at that crossroads as the helicopter swoops down to meet him does have a certain resonance.

This film is pretty poor, make no mistake, but as an example of how cars were crashed in the good old days I reckon it should be in a museum...