nikmaack

It's bad. But it takes itself very seriously, and it's not bad enough to be enjoyably bad. When will someone let Paris Hilton completely loose, so she can make a truly abominable film? I'm talking something of "Glen or Glenda" caliber. That's why I rented the flick -- I was hoping for a true abortion of cinema. Instead, this film is merely born brain damaged,

Things get close to deliciously terrible when one of the characters begins to piece together parts of the puzzle. Without spoiling the plot, it goes a little like this:

"Wait a minute! Maybe the Titanic didn't sink! Maybe it was a ship from outer space! That would mean the iceberg is still out there, trying to get revenge!"

"It's crazy! But it's the only thing that makes sense!"

And then it turns out that this really is the plot of the movie.

You get that here, only the premise of the film is so incredibly bland, you couldn't care less. People wandering around in a mansion, being chased. Whoopee. If only they would die faster.

A painter finds a mermaid in a sewer. Then she starts to get sick. "Paint me," she insists.

There's gore and disturbing scenes, but the story itself seems to have a depth to it. Even if there really isn't much of a story at all. I blame my love for the movie on my psychology degree, and my own dreams. The sewer is the unconscious. He takes the mermaid from the sewer to save her, to make art out of her -- only she's infected. But if she came out of his unconscious, then really, isn't he the one that's infected?

There is definitely a sort of Cronenburg, Kafka, "Picture of Dorian Gray" feel to the movie. Repulsive, and yet I couldn't stop watching, even as I squirmed in my seat.

Definitely not for everyone, but what's there is powerful -- even though the acting and special effects sometimes make the movie feel more like camp than true horror.

Some movies you watch and you say, "Well, that made no sense." And you don't really mean it. You're just saying things were overly complicated or slightly nonsensical.

"Bread And Circus" makes no sense at all. And I mean it. And that's not because it's surreal. From the start, it's pretty clear it's a feeble excuse to do splatter special effects. There's no script. There's no plot. There's no story of any kind. One event does not lead to the next -- that's how fundamental the bad writing is here.

So what? I mean, there are TONS of movies out there that fall into that category. They want to show you gore, they give you gore. Why even talk about it?

Because, in this case, "Bread and Circus" gave me hope. Okay, there are some surreal elements. Vaginas, in the ground -- people crawling out of them. The earth, in space, two legs on either side. These sorts of images are wonderful, fun, odd, crazy. But the movie doesn't do anything with them.

Stuff happens, the movie ends, and it's all very unsatisfying. I suspect the script was made up on the fly. Too bad. If there had been a story of ANY kind at all, it would have made for a much more entertaining film.

The film is very much like the beautiful car you would love to own. Then you lift up the hood and there's no engine. Just a small man peddling a bicycle.

GRR!