sexytail

Straight to video crap is generally pretty worthless. I got "7 Nights of Darkness" in an 8 movie horror pack at Wal Mart for $5, so my expectations were pretty low (one of the other titles, "Evidence of a Haunting" is bottom drawer junk).

Anyhow, "7 Nights of Darkness" is an SOV horror film done entirely in the format of reality TV show with the actors handling the cameras while they wander through a "spooky" abandoned asylum (for 7 dark nights) in hopes of winning a million dollars. It's a post-"Ghost Hunters" version of "House on Haunted Hill". For plot and such there's nothing especially original, but somehow the actors bring it to life.

A cast of nobodies left alone with the cameras manage to create honest banter and what sounds like improvised dialogue. This doesn't really turn the movie into a horror classic of any description, but it does make the characters feel real, which is a rare thing.

Having seen this, I hope director Allen Kellogg gets more work, there's some potential there. I personally prefer the kind of horror guys like Lucio Fulci and Dario Argento created, but this little cheapie was a nice surprise.

See if any of this makes sense: Marty Rackham is a screenwriter/undersea-treasure-hunter who goes diving with his father- in-law to be Dick Van Patten, gets attacked by sharks, left for dead, become a New York City stand up comic, meets with his brother/narrator, incurs the wrath of The Riddler, goes to the Caribbean, is seduced by Priscilla Barnes (ewwwww) etc.

"Body Trouble" is an inept crapfest with no comic timing. It's one of those comedies that decides sex equals humor. The plot is all madcap nonsense which is not rare for a comedy but even a comedy can't get away with it if it isn't funny.

There is nothing believable here, nothing seems real, so really there's no basis for any of the weak jokes. For example, the viewer is expected to believe that the characters find Priscilla Barnes sexy. Who the hell would even dare to kiss that creature? An ugly blonde in a red dress and lipstick is still ugly. By the same token, Rackham is no good as a stand up comic, his timing sucks. The movie sucks, if I haven't made that clear yet. The production quality is fitting for softcore porn, but the sex isn't much better than the jokes, so this movie can't work on that score either.

There are twists and such as well, and a murder plot, but it's all just part of the mess.

This movie was a real surprise. It's not everyday that you find a movie that manages to fail in nearly every possible way. "Ground Zero" could almost be a cult film for its amazing level of weird dated badness.

The plot concern some gangsters being on trial and a man holding the city hostage with an atomic bomb in the golden gate bridge to blackmail the gangsters release. Our heroes are a ugly secret service guy who talks like he's in a bad radio show from the 30s and his wuss of a partner who hates violence but at least acts better than most of the cast. They shoot people, drive around San Francisco, fight, and exchange terrible dialogue.

The only real strength "Ground Zero" displays is wide angle shots from the top of the Golden Gate bridge. It is neat to see those dizzying angles from way up there. All the bridge location stuff looks pretty good. The atomic bomb that's there waiting to go off looks terrible and the script is useless, but that bridge still looks fine.

Also, this thing is slow. It's only about 80 minutes, but they drag so badly. While we were watching it my friend and I just found ourselves talking about way better movies like "It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World" and such. So, yes, please don't watch this unless you're drunk or something.