doc_hartman

This was a mish mash of a film that started out going nowhere, got lost on the way then suddenly found a plot in the last 5 minutes when the title character is FINALLY introduced. There were so many ugly, mutton-chopped guys in this film, I lost track of who was the owner and who were the overseers. I have a theory about the casting though; all the bad guys were played by ugly actors (and one ugly actress) and all the good guys/victims were played by beautiful actors. Indeed the actors who played the ultimate victims, the slaves, were gorgeous as was the innocent priest's daughter, while the plantation owner, his minipulative mistress and his overseers were pretty hard on the eyes. On purpose? You make the call.

I hung in there till the end and some others might be able to make it as well. If you just want to look at bare breasts, there are plenty of them here and if you have a slave/master fetish then you'll love this film. Otherwise, watch it once, vomit, shower and never speak of it to anyone.

I was going to give this one 9 out of 10 but had to knock it down because it quite simply wasted Jillian Kesner (RIP; you kicked my ass).

A nutty German who is apparently Hitler's younger brother, Chip, trades Philippine hookers for Jade to some weird monks ("Zey eat zem," Chip tells us) and uses a group of head-band-wearing Kung-fu thugs to protect the operation. If that sentence right there doesn't make you want to watch this film...

Zee chade mine must be kept a zeecret...sorry. Chip doesn't want anyone to know about the jade mine and when he finds out a low rent cruise ship is planning on making a tour of "Warrior Island" (dun dun duuun) he tells his thugs to take care of it. They fail of course, due to the First Commandment of Kung-fu: The good guy will always kick butt no matter how many bad guys attack him at once.

The thugs do manage to set the ship on fire and kill everyone on board except the plucky group of heroes. Their life raft beaches on the island and more Kung-fu ensues. The monks capture the group and tell them they may not leave until they have fought the monk's Kung-fu masters which is the queue for the Kung-fu ZOMBIES (!) to enter (I freaking love this film!).

The fight scenes were great, the over-acting was wonderful and the concept was so far out that it clicked like Fred Astaire in tap shoes. I can't end the review without a special shout out to Mitchell who was the ONLY man who could play the part of the captain. I laughed out loud every time he fired his pistol, especially when he tried to get the attention of a potential rescue plane by firing his pistol AT it! This film had it all and I can't do it justice here. Just see this film!

Things you didn't know: The South China Sea is loaded with piranha Asian chefs are ALWAYS Kung-fu masters Buddhist monks aren't always the peaceful guys they are rumored to be

It had been a bad Monday when I popped this one in to the 'ol DVD player. I just wanted to wind down and be entertained and this film delivered. Grindhouse veteran Jean-Jacques Renon was the cinematographer for this film (credited as Oscar Lapin) and gave the film the only hint of class it has. Honestly, great camera work and lighting here with some gutsy angles.

On to the film. We open with two Eurobabes walking through the French countryside when they come upon a stone wall. For reasons unknown to me, the director (Jean Rollin) decides we must watch every excruciating second of the girls' navigation of this wall but I digress. On the other side of the wall is a French Baroque manor that, in spite of its dilapidated looks outside, is surprisingly tidy inside. After a quick tryst, Joëlle Coeur (the characters names aren't mentioned I think) needs a ciggy and discovers a slimy Euroguy with a pornstache and a gun staying in one of the downstairs rooms. Not put off by either the stache or the gun, Joëlle dances in the sheets and when her friend discovers the two, she joins in! The next morning a "plot" ensues and we find out guys with mustaches and guns aren't always worth a roll in the hay. Somehow, this idiot and two other idiots managed to burgle some jewels, I assume from some more idiotic idiot. Those jewels wind up missing and the thieves assume it was our Eurobabes what done it. After some torture and some more torture we are introduced to a French PI and his Eurogirl (I believe she is actually wearing a cheerleading outfit) assistant. From here on the plot has more lead changes than a girls basketball game with the good guys getting the drop on the bad guys only to lose it again.

The film is mindless trash but an entertaining 70 minutes none the less. If your looking for polished soft-core, go elsewhere, but if you just want to vedge at the end of the day with a cold one, this is a good film to use.