motherfather

The first thing that should be said is that "Road to Hell" is not a film. It's not a movie. In truth, I don't know what it is. Youtube videos of mentos and diet coke are more cinematic than anything this attempts. It isn't just bad, it's Sega CD Full Motion Video Game circa 1992 bad. It makes "Night Trap" look like "The Godfather." It's the "2 Girls 1 cup" of sequels. Most importantly, it's an insult to "Streets of Fire" and everyone who has ever watched even five minutes of it.

Before the 60 + minute "dream project" proceeded to assault those not smart enough to walk out, Albert Pyun, his wife Cynthia Curnan, and a handful of others came up and explained what we would be seeing. Cynthia mentioned that it was the result of an argument that she and Albert had had about the ending of Streets of Fire. Albert had thought it was one of the most romantic endings of all time. Cynthia thought it was deeply tragic and showed that Tom Cody was doomed. She wrote "Road to Hell" to show what she thought would have happened to him.

If the near-finished product is any indication, Albert handily won that argument and by default has now won all subsequent arguments for the rest of their lives.

Put simply, "Road to Hell" is garbage -- cinematic fan-fiction that is essentially a pointless 60+ minutes of atrocious dialog in front of a green screen, mixed in with some black and white footage of Deborah Van Valkenburgh being interrogated and flashbacks of a poor double for Diane Lane lip-syncing and dancing along with two songs lifted from "Streets of Fire."

I'm not entirely sure why everything was filmed in front of a green screen, probably to give it that "filmed in one day" look. It definitely does no favors to the performances, and the computer animated backdrops used look like screen savers circa 1994. I kept half-expecting a flying toaster to glide across the screen. Sadly, like any hope that "Road to Hell" would be redeemed, it failed to materialize.

The muddled excuse for a plot centers around the idea that Tom Cody is now a deranged serial killer, waiting in the middle of nowhere in case Ellen Aim's tour bus happens to drive by.

Meanwhile the two least interesting former strippers turned murderers in the world come across him.

They yell and swear and swear and yell. They talk in circles. There's some blood and some kissing. It goes absolutely nowhere and just drags and drags and drags. It could have been whittled down into a five minute short, told the same "story," and it STILL would have been painful.

I guess the filmmakers deluded themselves into thinking they were making something artistic and the characters we see might be in purgatory, or some other metaphysical realm. Unless the filmmakers' intent was to make the viewer feel like they were literally in hell, they failed.

The only elements that are even remotely interesting at all are ripped from "Streets of Fire." It is fascinating watching Paré and Van Valkenburgh reprising their respective roles, or at least it would be if the dialog wasn't so mind numbingly awful that the characters as portrayed resemble those in "Streets of Fire" about as much as David Koresh resembled Jesus.

Pyun, particularly in his Cannon years, has made some legitimately entertaining no-budget films. There is nothing entertaining here. It captures none of the spirit, energy, character, or fun of "Steets of Fire." It's an ugly, draining, pointless trifle.

Do yourself a favor and stop caring about this now. It will only end in heartbreak.

This movie's biggest crime is that it's boring. It takes what is normally one of the most exciting characters in the Marvel Universe and makes this milquetoast soap opera with sub-Lost level of CGI effects.

Staring at the talent behind the camera and in front of it I have no idea what could have gone so wrong, but I hope rumors of the studio wrestling control from the director are true because this is a blot for all involved.

This movie lives and dies by its script, and it's a truly dreadful script.

It is a patchwork of bad ideas, grating dialog, action movie clichés, unconvincing romance, mishandled fan-service cameos, and downright insulting interpretations of beloved characters.

This film has no respect for its source material. This is one of the worst Marvel films yet.

It also seems convinced Will.I.Am can do something besides look stupid in a cowboy hat and fumble his ridiculous lines. His "character" also borrows his power from a fan-favorite character and doesn't even do it half as well as a movie made five years ago.

I never thought an X-Men related movie could be worse than X-Men 3, but here we are.

This movie was quite a pleasant surprise. I had anticipated it for a long time, and was afraid going in that it couldn't possibly live up to my expectations.

It exceeded them.

I adored this movie.

Hilarious from start to finish (stay until after the end credits!), it is absolutely remarkable how a movie about dumb and annoying characters can be so intelligent, witty, and engaging.

With it's obvious matte paintings, the movie's future Earth recalls the Planet of the Apes series and other Sci-Fi movies of that era.

In fact, this movie is essentially Planet of the Apes, but with people who are the mental equivalent of apes.

It moves at a fairly brisk pace, and Luke Wilson carries the movie quite well, with a character that recalls the one he played in "Bottle Rocket." (There's even a not-so-subtle nod to "Bottle Rocket" in an early scene).

Maya Rudoulph is also surprisingly good as a former "painter" who was frozen as well.

Despite all its strengths, "Idiocracy" has the distinct feel of a movie that was taken away from the director/editor before it could be fine-tuned.

I cannot for the life of me understand why a movie this funny would just be dumped into a few theaters with no advanced screenings, no trailers, no marketing whatsoever.

It's as if the studio decided they were not going to spend any more on it and just walked away.

Or maybe they thought the movie had the makings of a cult classic, and the only way for it to become a true cult classic was to set it up to fail?

Whatever the case, it is a shame, because Mike Judge and this film in particular deserve better.

I predict this movie will have real legs on DVD, and word of mouth will propel it to the success it deserves.

Perhaps the Fox Executives saw themselves in the characters, were confused, and thought it was a documentary?