capn_crusty

The most contrived piece of crap to come down the pike in a long time--premise, plot, dialog, you name it. It's as if every hackneyed "cops-'n'-robbers" thematic device ever conceived was tossed into a hat, then plucked out and patched in helter-skelter--I don't think a single one was missed...and that's just in the first fifteen minutes.

And "Castor and Pollux Troy"? What the hell were the writers thinking? Or more to the point, what were they smoking

The most amazing thing is that this celluloid dungpile seems to have been well-received! If IMDb's "Viewers' Reviews" is to be believed, that is. Oh, well; I guess if nothing else, Woo's re-established the old Menckenian axiom: "No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American people".

...although that's not necessarily a good thing

But it's no secret--or shouldn't have been--that all this little effort was going to be was a frightfully expensive, over-the-top quasi-historical spectacle, with two dimensional characters running around spouting long soliloquies in between battles. So no complaint, there.

What bothered me the most trouble about "Troy" was the casting. Oh, I could have gone along with quite nicely with Legolas, Boromir and the Hulk (Orlando Bloom, Sean Bean and Eric Bana, respectively) playing East Mediterranean Bronze Age soldiers--Hollywood, you know. But Brad Pitt as Achilles? I laughed; a lot. Instead of the "greatest warrior of his age", he made me think more of a little kid in dire need of an enema. I mean, some one really should tell him that acting is more than just striking a pose, displaying a chubby profile and staring grimly. Of course, maybe he got it right; it could be that in reality Achilles was nothing more than a baby-faced shmoe with a couple of sword tricks and a rep. If so, then maybe this is why he's mostly remembered for a weakness (ie, world-class tendonitis).

Still, if placing inappropriate individuals in the roles of legendary and semi-legendary heroes should sadly become the norm, I want to get on board as quickly as possible--to avoid the rush. Thus, do I suggest the following:

Cu Chullain--Mike Meyers

Boadicea--Li'l Kim

Roland--Bobcat Goldthwait

Sigfried--Will Wheaton

Tristan--Danny DeVito

Chaka Zulu--Martin Lawrence

Geronimo--Ray Romano

Dan'l Boone--Anne Heche

I don't usually give movies of any kind ten stars, particularly the slasher send-ups; I will gladly make an exception in the case of "Saw". Up until now, "Candyman II: Farewell to the Flesh", was my fave, but this offering beats it hook, line, sinker, pole, fisherman and the ding-dong boat--which is probably a mixed metaphor, but I just got done watching this thing, and I'm still not down enough yet to be overly rational.

Not only are the murder situations schizophrenic enough to make me glad that the kid that wrote it lives in Australia (at least, I hope he still does), but plotwise it had more twists than an India rubber man making love to a Circe du Soleil contortionist with a copy of the "Kama Sutra" nearby for reference. And without a doubt it has the best "surprise ending" since "The Sixth Sense". The only reason I can imagine that more has not been made of this little depraved effort is the deep-seated prejudice that most "mainstream" (read: stupid) critics have against horror.

Ten Stars! Ten Stars! Ten Stars!