Neonsamurai

There's a place in Milton Keynes called 'Blade Runners' and it's an ice skating rink. I really like going there because the changing rooms don't have doors on them and I sometimes wander in and pretend to be from the Ukraine. Of course I'd only wander into the ladies changing room and stay there pretending to be confused until some of the staff came and led me out. Well, I used to do that. Last time I tried it there actually was a girl from the Ukraine, who I think used to be army special forces or something.

Anyway, when I get discharged from hospital the doctors tell me to take it easy for a few days, until the swelling has gone down so I ask my mum to hire out a DVD from the shop for me. But rather than hiring out the film I told her to she decides to ask advice from the old guy Henry who works there. He's had something against me ever since Rufus got stuck down the back of the freezer and destroyed all that ice cream. So Henry being the 'expert' on films that he is tells mum to hire out 'Blade Runner' by Ridley Scott telling her that it's a 'classic'.

Thanks mum! That's not insensitive after what I've been put through! All the horrible memories of the unprovoked attack and the police caution came flooding back when I saw the title of the film. Besides, how many times have I told her to not believe anything Henry says? Especially when he starts by saying "The police came to the shop last night asking about your son…" In 'Blade Runner' Harrison Ford plays Rick Deckard, a man who hunts down robots for a job. That sounds easy doesn't it? Well it's not because these 'replicants' look like people, and he has to use an old projector or something to read their minds, somehow. It seems to take AGES so why not do this instead: Rick Deckard: "Hi. How are you? Would you like a drink of water?" Replicant: "No thanks, I'm not thirsty." Rick Deckard: "That's right! Only humans can get thirsty! Die robot!!" BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! That's much easier than some stupid test and he could kill far more robots that way. His boss would be really pleased I'm sure. I mean, if Rick Deckard sold cars and in one day he sold seven, but there were only four in the shop his boss would be really pleased, just like if there were only four replicants on the loose and Deckard managed to kill eleven.

And whilst we're on the subject of robots looking like people, wouldn't it be easier to make them look a little different? Couldn't they, I dunno, look like George Hamilton or something? That way there'd be no need for the test I just made up and anyone who looked like George Hamilton would be shot. Obviously George Hamilton would have to have plastic surgery to look like someone else, maybe George Lucas. That way when people shouted "Hey George!" he'd know that they were talking to him and look round. If he looked like Bob Hoskins and people shouted "Hey Bob!" he might get confused.

Also, if I brought a robot and it only worked for four years I'd be pretty annoyed. I'll bet they have a program in the future like "Watchdog" over here in the UK. They'd soon have Tyrell on there going on and on about how he was selling robots that only worked for 4 years. If they had him on 'Watchdog' I bet Nicky Campbell would make insulting comments about Tyrell's glasses because they are kind of stupid looking. Surely though another company would make robots that worked for 10 years or something, or until their hair went out of fashion, and then beat the Tyrell Corporation at their own game. And what's with the whole "more human than human" thing anyway? That's a moronic motto. How about "sexy robots that put out"? That'd be a better motto, or maybe "Tyrell don't smell, are bots are hot and we make 'em like George whether you like it or not!" That's decent marketing and in the form of a rap as well to appeal to kids and gangsta's.

After watching this film I can't wait for the future, but I don't think it's a classic, not like the excellent 'Battlefield Earth' or a film I wrote last night. There should have been more emphasis on what pleasure robots like Daryl Hannah get up to and maybe some steamy scenes in a women's changing room. Of course if Henry hadn't offered his 'expert' opinion then those are some of the scenes I could have expected in 'The Erotic Witch Project'.

Neonsamurai Film Score: AAB

Did this film rock or what?!?!?! Other than 'Iron Eagle' this is probably THE best film ever made! Better than 'Deep Rising' and certainly better than 'Prince of Tides' which it turns out is rubbish.

I really hope that what they say in the film about our reality being an illusion is true, because that would totally rock! I can just imagine it, all my convictions and fines disappearing because that was all thought up by some whacked-out X box or something. Actually I really do hope it's real because just look at my name: Neonsamurai. Got that? All right, now read it without the 'nsamurai'. That makes ME 'Neo' or 'The One'. Oh boy am I ever going to kick ass? You wait until the next time I see Derek Palmers! Backflip, punch, head-butt, uppercut! I've already got the cool name, I spend a lot of time on the Internet doing research and when I did have a job I was always late for work. Spooky eh? Plus, can you imagine Morpheus trying to rescue somebody else from the Matrix, such as Dr Stephen Hawking? I can't either. Firstly he hasn't got a cool name like me and secondly I bet he hasn't even watched 'The Matrix' once. I've seen it EIGHT times. You read that right, EIGHT times. Quick question: Hawking vs. me in a fight. Who'd win? Answer: Me! Even if it was a battle of minds, I'd probably still win. Or a game of snap.

What with me being 'The One' I'd probably make Famke Janssen my 'Trinity' as I'm pretty sure that in the battery farm where I'm stored, she's got the pod next to me. That's probably why we have such a close affinity with one another. In fact I'm pretty sure that on the other side of me would be a pod with Nicole Kidman in it, except her brain plugs DON'T WORK PROPERLY AND SHE DOESN'T RETURN MY CALLS! Well guess what Nicole, when I'm flying around beating up 'Agents' and dodging bullets don't expect me to come to your rescue if they try and read you mind with a couple of electric cables. You had your chance and you blew it. So long sister, you're baaaaaad news.

When I was in 'House of Fraiser' in Milton Keynes last week I decided it was time for me to get out of the Matrix and meet up with Morpheus, or whoever it is flying those hovercraft things around the sewers. Well let me tell you something; if you want to leave the Matrix don't try jumping through mirrors in a department store, particularly if the mirrors are in the ladies changing room, and you're being chased by security guards. When I got out of hospital that night I decided to do a search for 'Morpheus' on the Internet, but got bored and instead did more research on women's bodies.

Morpheus, if you're reading this then hurry up and post me a phone to my mum's house as I'm due in court next week on charges of indecent exposure and criminal damage in a department store.

It's been ages since I've been to a wedding and I used to quite enjoy them. Unlike most people I try and remember all the good things that happen at weddings, like the great presents that I used to buy, or how good I was at dancing or how I managed to kiss the bride, but every body else seems to want to remember the bad stuff, like how I made that kid cry.

Honestly, you can do about a million great things at weddings and people just forget them, but you punch one toddler and suddenly you're off the invites list. I bet Ghandi must have punched one or two kids in his life, but because he's Ghandi everyone just ignores it and just remembers the 'good' things he did. Like I wasn't happy about what happened, but it was a church wedding and even the vicar was swearing at me. Oh, and apparently I'm the first person to be barred from churches in the Thames Valley area for 80 years. The last guy who was barred in 1924 had '…burning eyes like a snake and a touch as cold as ice'. His representatives managed to get the ban lifted after saying that there was no proof he was Satan and that the decision infringed his civil rights.

What about MY civil rights? Pubs, libraries, Cambridge University, Virgin Airways Flights, 'The Lounge' Nightclub, Aylesbury Civic Centre, The City of Milton Keynes and now all the churches in Buckinghamshire have barred me. Clearly I am the victim in all of this. And what the hell are people doing taking kids to weddings anyway? If you can't be trusted to take a child to a strip show then logic would suggest that at an event when you're not supposed to stare or try and touch the performer (i.e. the Bride) children are unwelcome. If I went and stood in a boxing ring with a toddler on my shoulders and a glancing blow caught it, would it be the boxer's fault. No, it would be my fault for being stupid enough to step into a boxing ring with a child. If it happened I'd be the first to own up and say that I was in the wrong, but according to the Church of England and the kid's parents such an analogy is 'deranged'.

Can you imagine what would have happened if a parent threw their child into a giant fish tank with 'Free Willy' and that stupid orca smacked it with its tail? Do you think people would blame Willy for what happened? No, they'd be all like "oh Willy doesn't know any better", or "he was trying to help the child". Oh yeah sure, whenever he does something clever make out that it's the best thing in the world, but when he does one bad thing, just put it down to low intelligence.

I rate the 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' an average 11 points