Freebasedog

I haven't even seen all of this movie, but I really loved what I did catch. (on Bizarre TV on Roku.) Clearly low on funds and with little regard paid to convention I bet this hidden gem had a shot at VHS infamy, though sadly it was not in the cards. It's dedication to practical Gore effects and lack of dedication to typical story beats make it a stand out IMO, and a more interesting specimen in this knock off genre than many infamous Italian entries.

Wow this movie was CRAZY!!! OMG LOL!!! It made me almost wish that I had found all my children dead in a lake and then murdered the crap out of my wife!! OMG LOL!!! It also made me wish that when they were drafting the script that someone said "hey Martin Scorcese finally turned to crap, someone should commit HIM to an island full of crazy people until HE can figure some *beep* out!! OMG LOL!!! And then I wish instead of using their gay Shamalamadam ending that they had given Teddy special abilities, kind of like Neo in the Matrix (OMG LOL) but not really, but you know maybe something super cool to let him defeat everyone like a laser gun or maybe he could shoot lasers out of his eyes (an ability he developed due to his very sad situation with Heath Ledger's wife, almost like angry Super Tears) or maybe even he would just be super strong and know martial arts and could feel no pain like how that lady from the rap song about having sex with moms was talking about in the cave (similar to how they learn in the future to block out pain as explained by Kyle Reese in Terminator - maybe a connection here? IDK) and then with all his powers no one could stop him from finding the truth!! OMG LOL x5!!! Only the REAL twist then is that he is about to escape and then his FBI boss comes up to him and says "Teddy this was all just a role-play because we knew it was the only way for you to develop your powers. You will be a very important weapon in our fight against the communist threat and now Shutter Island will be your secret headquarters where you train other people to have your powers too so we can beat the crap out of Russians and beatniks, and who knows maybe even china or those Chineses in Vietnam will step out of line some day. So what do you say say Teddy, are you ready for it?" And then Teddy will say "OMG LOL!!! You bet!! And here I was almost going crazy thinking I was stuck inside a movie with terrible twist for stupid jerks!!" And then his boss will say "you watch your mouth Teddy those people are Americans and we need their support in this war....but OMG LOL you are right, we FBIs and CIAses are smarter than them and I bet we will pull some CRAZY pranks on those dummies one day in the future as we wrest democratic power away from the populous and into the hands of the wealthy" and then Teddy gives him a look that sort of says 'omg lol' (cuz he's like "as if" because he's a good man) then no one says anything for 7 seconds and then teddy says "Hey is Chuck still my partner" and the boss says "Chuck, are you up for it?" and Chuck says "You're damn right I am" and then Teddy says, "OK how about I buy my partner a beer" (cuz his powers let him drink again, but only beer no scotch) and they are walking away and chuck says "hey man you think maybe you could teach me some of your powers like maybe the laser eye or like being able to fly?"(forgot to mention teddy can also fly) and Teddy goes "Sure pal, but not right now there are commu-terror-ists taking over the Boston Gardens and we have to go stop them because the Celtics might just win the championship soon and then again almost every year until when jimi Hendrix dies, cuz that will break their spirit and make them sad" and Chuck goes "I'm getting too old for this S-word...and who the crud is jimi Hendrix?" and they all laugh and then freeze frame right as they jump into action to go get those suckers.

OMG LOL!!!!!!!! BTW the 'who is jimi Hendrix' part is extra funny cuz chuck was from Seattle and so was jimi Hendrix so maybe they even lived in the same town at one time or were in class together and he STILL doesn't know him!! Also Chuck's probably a racist so he wouldn't even talk to jimi Hendrix in class but it's not entirely his fault cuz in those days up until around 1997 your dad would force you to be a racist (i know for a fact OMG LOL) but still jimi Hendrix was probably even cool to a racist cuz his special power was coolness.

Wigga Please

Seriously, next time you hear a black director complaining about how tough it is to get their movie made or how biased the Hollywood system is don't blame 'the man' no matter how tempting...blame Vondie Curtis Hall. Once thought to be the Spike Lee of useless people, Mr. Hall vaulted himself into the loser hall of fame not long after Gridlock'd for his work on the monumental Glitter, which would have been the Gigli of it's day had Mariah Carey not been long washed up by the time of its release. Lil' Vondie did no better with Gridlock'd despite having a decent cast and a plot revolving around heroin, which was like the goose that laid the golden demographic during most of the 90's. Unfortunately, Hall chose to make the actors say line that even Jesus couldn't pull off and throw in every cliché in three books. I guess he thought that making a relevant black movie was as easy as being black and hiring a prominent hip hop star to act in unfortunately his worst, and I believe last, role of a relatively short career. Throw in a little Tim Roth during his "I'm too cool for school because I'm in some Tarantino flicks and can do no wrong" period of overratedness and some absolutely embarrassingly brutal scenes of the two of them in a Jazz club playing stand-up bass and keyboards, respectively, with Thandie Newton on vocals and you, my dear Vondie, have a perfect recipe for a truly pathetic disaster. But you have to give him a little credit, somehow he convinced two pretty big stars to take a chance on his little movie, who most would think was not even quite at first draft stage, (although who knows...maybe it would have been great with a competent director)and somehow after this horrific disaster still lived to magically taint the disease-ridden career of Mariah Carey to irreparable levels. I'm no expert, but I'd say he does a lot of praying.