Ninja: O Guerreiro Imortal

Should you come across this film I can save you a lot of trouble in terms of wondering whether or not it's something worth watching. One line of dialogue given to Danny Glover within the first minute or so perfectly encapsulates everything that this represents: "I gave up standing for things a long time ago." This is the unabashed confession of an actor who has shown up only for a paycheck, and who in so doing has knowingly forsaken his integrity. Uncork'd Entertainment is a production and distribution company that operates on a level that makes The Asylum look like A24 and Uwe Boll look like Martin Scorsese; despite my boredom and curiosity, had I known they had a hand in making this, I simply would not have even considered pressing "play." Their association is a warning sign that I wish I had had in this instance, because 'Ninja immovable heart' is total rubbish. Everyone involved in making it should be ashamed of themselves, and everyone who has watched - including myself - needs to reevaluate their fundamental decision-making capabilities.

Rob Baard's dialogue and scene writing are hopelessly, uselessly blunt, tactless, and forthright; the narrative is hopelessly, uselessly, pointlessly scattered, loose, incohesive, and almost fully incoherent, not to mention reflective of utmost indifference to any root principles of storytelling. I would say that the screenplay is completely lacking of the faintest hint of writing skill that would exceed the level of the average twelve-year old's education, but then again, I think even my sixth-grade elementary school teacher would have been embarrassed to call me his student if I had turned in a creative writing assignment resembling this. The direction, credited to Baard and John Balazs, is absolutely no better. There is not a single moment to present before us that doesn't come across as limp, halfhearted, false, contrived, and empty. This might actually be the worst direction that I've ever seen, and I watched 'A karate Christmas miracle.' Rarely it seems like someone in the cast might be making an effort, but whether it's a lack of acting abilities on their part or an annihilating effect of the direction, the performances are excruciatingly terrible and unbelievable.

It was the filmmakers' obvious hope that we would be distracted from these flagrant, incredible deficiencies by on-screen graphics that glitch and buzz like a mid-90s (or maybe 80s) computer on the fritz, and by alteration to the basic image to greet our eyes - washed out color, excessive darkness, excessive brightness, occasional split-screen presentation, and so on. The filmmakers were mistaken. Such tricks no more cloak the failures of writing, direction, or acting than they do the egregiously transparent computer-generated "special effects," or the lackluster "stunts." Nor do they hide the haunted, vacant expression of a man who hates himself so thoroughly that all emotion and life has been drained away, and he continuously wishes for his end to come. I don't mean the protagonist, I mean the actor playing him, which is Baard himself. Well, Baard genuinely has no one but himself to blame. Meanwhile, I think filmmaker John Carpenter, he behind such classics as 'The thing' and 'Big trouble in Little China,' has a substantial, earnest case for libel against Baard, Balazs, Uncork'd Entertainment, and all those given producer credits: one of the major supporting characters here is named after him. I have a hard time imagining a greater insult than to tangentially be attached in any manner to 'Ninja immovable heart.'

By whatever means you stumbled onto this dreck, you should not watch it. Whatever you think you might get out of it, you should not watch it. No matter how curious or bored you are, you should not watch it. Whatever impetus you think you might have for checking out this 2014 feature, you should not watch it. I don't think it would be at all unfair for Baard, Balazs, and the others involved here to be blacklisted from the industry. Their assets should be seized and sold off, with the profits to be divided among the cast and crew who somehow got roped into participating, and the viewers who have ever made the mistake of sharing in the viewing experience. True, the resulting compensation may end up being mere pennies, which isn't nearly enough to truly atone for the movie's sins, but something is better than nothing. And nothing - nothingness, oblivion, the void, the abyss, eternal obscurity - is exactly where 'Ninja immovable heart' belongs. No one should ever watch this, end of story.

Wow, just, Woooow!!! This is a horrible movie! The acting is awfully horrible, the special effects are complete and utter crap, the plot ubber crappy and told in a bizarre confusing way that makes you question what happened when and where and from a movie with "ninja" in it's name you would expect at least the fights were good right? Nope! not by a loooooong shot! Worst fight scenes i remember seeing in my life! The only thing that aren't really really bad at this movie is the music that sometimes is even good(if you close your eyes and manage to ignore all the crappy horrible things happening at the screen), will there really be a sequel to this? really? Who the hell is funding this and why did Danny Glover agree to appear on this? Seriously, if you're lucky enough to read this before you watch it, please, for your own sake, DO NOT WATCH IT! It is not even weird enough to be funny, it's just a horrible waste of time!

This movie is so crap even kids cartoon has more substance,it is truly a waste of time watching it,the story line is all over the place bad acting and fight scenes,bad everything,40 minutes in you still don't know the plot or whats going on,you there hoping it will develop into something which never came,the worst experience i had in any film before,i don't think it deserves the right to be called a film, this was a waste of filming and the budget,i guess the actors just take the money and be like whatever,but this not good for reputation either, its a let down on all levels,the only thing good about this movie is image quality but everything else is crap,plain and simple

DO NOT waste your time or money.

This is absolutely the worst acting that I have ever seen. This is absolutely the worst script ever turned into a movie. This movie has the hands-down worst special effects ever. I mean, I've seen better effects in cartoons.

This movie has made me question what is going on with the movie industry. My God, how did this ever even make it onto disc much less film?

It wouldn't have been so bad if it had been advertised as a comedy spoof. But, then again, maybe it would.

I want my $1.50 back.

Hey Danny, Really? What were you thinking? The only reason I rented it was because your name was headlined and I hadn't seen your acting in a while. I can only shake my head...

Having no idea how the score got into the 3 area, I must say that when this film would have been made as a project in a film school, I would fail each and everyone involved. The plot doesn't have just holes, there is no plot! It is rarely a good idea, when the main actor is also the writer and director. It was supposed to fail from the start, and man it DID fail. From casting to acting to cutting and special effects, nothing gets even close to professionalism. Plan 9 from Outer Space was at least involuntarily funny, and is cult today. But our film here is just bad. I am sure that intentions were good, or else Mr Baard would not have made this film, but he is well advised to look for experienced people to realize his projects, if someone is willing to finance it. He needs a writer to get it from the idea to a story, something he did not manage; this made the film boring to watch from start to end. With the basic ingredient lacking, a really good director could have still made a halfway decent film, given enough liberty to stray from the script. But as the director was the writer, no such thing happened. The same good director could have told his lead cast how to play the role with more than just one face, but again the director is the main actor. So that 1 star is only given, as there is no negative vote.