Fateful Findings

The dialogue is that of NPC conversation from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.

I watched the movie twice and honestly have trouble explaining what it's even about. It jumps from plot point to plot point without a fluid time line. And introduces new elements without explanation.

All that aside though, it does have memorable points. I recommend watching it with a friend or two just so you can recall how bad this movie is. I know I pull out references from this movie with the friend who have seen it.

If you like Trash Films, this is for you. If you do watch it, just know that when you're on your death bed, you'll look back and wish you spent the time watching this movie doing something else.

Seriously, how many Laptops did he smash in this movie?!?

Awful movies exist everywhere. Each one is released under different circumstances. Some are produced to intentionally be bad, while other times they just come across bad, but never wanted to be interpreted that way. The ones that are purposefully made to be horrible are made by filmmakers and studios who are just looking to make a cheap cash-in no matter how terrible the end result is. The best example many people might think of, that comes close to those descriptions would be either The Asylum or Uwe Boll. And then there are people like Tommy Wiseau or the man who made this movie, Neil Breen. It may be hard to believe but these two guys have a lot in common when it comes to how much they think they are a gift to the world. Both have a never ending ego that propels them to continue making their movies no matter what others say. They truly think their work is a high art that is at the same level as many of the other critically acclaimed films that have been released. Or so they think. As bad as this is, it is worth it.

Crediting himself to almost every single film crew position available, Neil Breen has taken on more roles than other thespian in existence. This is also probably why his film makes practically no sense. Neil Breen plays Dylan, a man who once found the love of his life before he hit his teens. Together, he and his then love Leah (Jennifer Autry) discover a magic token. Skip decades later and Dylan still holds this thing dear to him. Even after getting into a serious car accident. His current girlfriend Emily (Klara Landrat) is a struggling drug addict and a neighboring family is having their own strained relationships next door. Jim (David Silva) and Amy (Victoria Vivieros) have differing motives. Amy wants to relax because her job is hard and Jim wants to fornicate, mostly because he's always drunk. Plus Amy's stepdaughter Aly (Danielle Andrade) has to deal with their bickering. All the while Dylan has found a way of hacking into corporate systems that contain secrets and suffering from paranormal headaches.

Everything is about as fragmented as it gets. The writing is like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. It just doesn't work. What Breen did here was try to make a movie that have every single genre in its story. As a result, the play out is generic and feels alien. There are several unfinished subplots mainly because nothing is done with them to begin with. Throughout the running time there's a character in black that goes around walking from place to place and it is never revealed who they are, what they want, what they represent, etc. The subplots themselves don't exactly fit together either in any smooth way. The Jim and Amy couple argue to no end, but have no impact on Dylan or Emily in development. So why bother including them? Also the stepdaughter has a sequence where she waltzes into Dylan's house naked to arouse him, only to be sent away by Dylan. And the significance of this scene was? If it's not going to go anywhere, why include it in the script? Breen's storytelling is like a maze.

Later on Dylan meets Leah again all grown up but for the most contrived reason, being that one had written in a notebook way back and held onto it for years. Really? Let's not forget the acting from the cast or the dialog to boot. Wow is this treasure trove of people who are not invested in the project they are making. Everyone from the top down can't deliver a line in any form that sounds natural or believable. What probably aided the deliveries to be so bad was due to how bad the lines are written. Some conversations don't even relate to one another, making the association incoherent. There are only a few redeeming qualities to this horrendous film. Of the cast, the only actor who stands out is Neil Breen and not because he's the best actor. Far from it. What makes his performance so amazing is because of how he has control over this whole thing, stars in it and can't even be a leading man. No emotion is put into his lines; everything is monotone. And this guy thinks he is making mainstream movies? What a laugh.

And that's by far the strongest highlight. It is because of Breen's emotionally void showing is what makes this viewing experience so funny. The main genre this film takes place in is a fantasy, science fiction thriller. Yet comes off like a comedy because of Breen. And this isn't his only stinker. Breen made two other films before this and basically gave the same kind of product. The two films were Double Down (2005) and I Am Here...Now (2009). The next best thing to Breen's acting is the cinematography handled by John Mastrogiacomo. Mastrogiacomo also has one other credit, which was to Breen's I Am Here...Now (2009). For what it's worth Mastrogiacomo gets some pretty background shots of the desert. Much of that is clear and vivid in its display. Interior shots are mostly okay but could use some improvement. The music was also adequate but that's probably because the music was just stock audio. There's no way Breen was a music director like he so proudly credits himself at the end. Yeah OK.

Recommendation wise, if you don't like indie or amateur films in general stay away. But if you're interested in seeing how unbelievable a guy like Neil Breen can be, now's the time. The camera-work and music might be okay, but don't expect anything else to tell an understandable story whatsoever. The actors don't even know what they're doing in it.

Neil Breen is a director who doesn't care for filmmaking rules, mainly because he doesn't know any of them. You know how movies are supposed to be 'show, don't tell'? Neil Breen tells and tells and tells. Breen doesn't trust our brains to make even the most basic connections. In Breen's universe, a guy who just saw a car accident has to literally say 'I'm a witness!', because otherwise our feeble minds may not understand that complex concept. He writes dialogues like English is not his first language, or even in the top five for that matter.

Because his movies are so surreal, Breen has often been compared to "The Room"'s Tommy Wiseau. The main difference is that lightning only struck once for old Tommy. He hasn't made anything remotely entertaining since 2003. Breen however keeps churning them out, with no difficulties whatsoever. This is a guy who doesn't have to do any effort to stay weird, incomprehensible and because of that, incredibly fascinating.

I'm writing this review for "Fateful Findings", but it could work for any of his movies. They're all pretty much the same. Breen always casts himself as an implausibly perfect being who rids the world of all the evils. The evils are usually found in the big companies, who are driven by greed and don't care about people. I know this because the villains actually have to say that in all his movies. Breen doesn't even know the meaning of subtext, and that's why we all love him so much.

As interesting as his movies are to watch, a making-of would certainly be infinite times better. There are just so many questions that remain unanswered here. How much does he have to pay these beautiful young 'actresses' (models at best) to pretend they're in love with him? Why does a man who's clearly in his 50s keep casting himself as a thirty-something? Why do the characters pause roughly thirty seconds between each line? How do you hack the government on laptops that aren't even on? Why do we have to see Neil Breen semi-nude so often throughout his movies? For a guy who spells our every detail, Breen sure does leave plenty of questions.

Tommy Wiseau and James "Birdemic" Nguyen ended up ruining their charm by becoming self-aware, but I honestly don't see that happening with Breen. To him, there's clearly not a funny moment to be found in any of his movies, and that's why they work: because he takes them so damn seriously while nobody else does. Furthermore, his heart seems to be in the right place. He clearly wants to make a statement about all the injustice in the world, in between showing his abs. I applaud him for that, he's a so-bad-it's-good filmmaker I can really get behind.

Fateful Findings in a transmission from the universe of Breem Prime.

Language has evolved in a completely different direction. Characters speak abstractly in bold cryptic announcements, a strange tribal caveman speak. And even the film narrative is in a less evolved. Fateful Findings is a melodrama from a third world country inexplicably out of the Las Vegas desert.

The mystical new-age narrative has an almost primal, indigenous quality. A hacker shaman struggles to tell the "real" truth while always fighting off incredibly beautiful women. He's vaguely mystical himself, an inexplicably successful author and computer hacker who works on a series of turned-off laptops, frequently flipping them and spilling coffee on them in some sort of ritual. Breen also goes to see two psychiatrists, who pretty much tell him he's great and that his decisions are awesome.

The main trio of women are so ridiculously hot the only reaction one could have that it must be an alternate universe. The depressed eastern European wife Emily has a quiet pathos. The friend's blonde wife is stunning but struggles with the dialogue. The friend's teenage daughter, a truly desperate girl. And lastly, the "love of his life", the skinny blonde doctor girl, is also apparently much younger than him despite being older in the childhood flashback. Her main role is to stand there mortified while a very smooth looking looking older man plants sensitive kisses on her lips and cheeks (and get tied up in a van).

At hundred minutes, it rough, took me a few days to get through. I did find, after I got used to the caveman speak dialogue, that it was a sort of sad movie about fulfilling one's potential, failed marriages, true love and personal integrity. Or some kind of alien alien approximation of them.

It's not without it's cryptic appeal, there are a few real laughs and bizarre uses of camera, some baffling edits. A lot of bad movie detail. But it's also kind of a bummer at times.

The climax is a truly bizarre product of a disturbed imagination. But, also kind of satisfying. I almost wish more movies ended that way. Fateful Findings is a dreamlike, new-age look at air conditioned suburban angst of middle aged men and hot trophy wives.