The United States of Horror: Chapter 1

United States of Horror is not the horror anthology of yesteryear. In fact, it isn't even a horror anthology at all! . . .if you ask me.

What it IS: sporting 14 original titles from various up and coming talents, this is a compilation of proofs of concepts - and incredibly convincing proofs at that - containing several refreshing, if not partially-baked, renditions of both new and tired ideas alike.

And I think it actually works pretty well. Just don't take it too seriously and you'll have a good time.

The central theme of telling stories based on the copious amounts of folklore originating from all over the United States is ingenious. After all, the exogenous origins of the horror anthology stem from the timeless tradition of telling myths and legends by campfire or candelight, embellished fables with a prudent message at heart: "heed this tale and you may survive."

Doug Bradley (Hellrasier's Pinhead) is our host for this anthology, offering a simple and stylized, yet deeply impersonal frame story.

My top picks were:

California - Vexed: In a bid to create a compelling and surreal thriller, "Vexed" utilizes splendid practical effects and pointed acting to sell an overall gripping and unnerving story.

Connecticut - The Locket: Offering a wonderfully delicious and engrossing atmosphere, this vignette employs one of my favorite ploys of the cinematic world: we are given a generally unlikable character for which we aren't quite certain as to whether or not we'd like for her to experience a generous or favorable outcome.

Arizona - Entropic: Man, this thing is just utterly repulsive in the best way possible. The dark humor is so well-crafted, but is the chaperone to brilliant overtones of pure shock value. Using a rapid-fire approach to the story-telling, we are inundated with crass renditions of some of the best sci-fi scenes and tropes ever to grace the big screen from films such as Dreamcatcher, Alien, Predator, and ABC's of Death's "T is for Toilet." And, somehow, it all comes together to create a tangible storyline.

Washington - Needlework: If Sweeney Todd is the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, then Martin is the Demon Seamster. . . Of Honnoji Gakuen (Kill la Kill).

My least favorite include:

Utah - Billy: Ungodly Hour: Demonstrably weak, the acting takes a dip with this tale. The lead role sells the script like a mannequin sells an outfit.

Maine - Dirigo: With poor pacing, flat characterization, and a mostly threadbare plot, this disorganized mess of a story haphazardly hurls itself at you from so many different directions at mach speeds.

Michigan - Red Abyss: Do you remember those old dessert Lunchables: chocolate icing, m&ms. . . Bread - the good stuff! Imagine using a fully loaded dessert Lunchable as the top part of a sandwich, and a fully loaded cheese pizza Lunchable as the bottom part of the sandwich. That's kinda what Red Abyss tastes like. Tries to achieve too much - that's my point.

Everything else lands somewhere in the middle.

Below are brief Plot Summaries:

Nevada - Dark Lights: Awakened from her slumber by some very visually stunning, yet disconcerting dreams, a young woman harboring a sinister urge sets out to splurge on unsuspecting locals.

North Carolina - Don't Drink the Water: A vagabond trying to hitchhike his way to I-40 finds himself in desperate need of water. He accepts the aid of a beautiful young woman, a decision which proves deadly.

Florida - The Succubus: After we are treated to a considerably tame softcore porn video, tastefully accompanied by a jazz version of Bill Withers' "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone," we see a young man waking up to a horrible sight - a succubus has perched itself atop of his petrified body.

California - Vexed: After a diatribe against the exhausted efforts of horror films to scare their viewers, a young couple begins experiencing some very strange phenomena in their home.

Connecticut - The Locket: She's conceited; she's self-righteous, and she's the host of her own hit vlog, Cryptids. She's "Char-lit, cryptid extraordinaire." Cryptids' latest episode features our prickly host taking on a challenge issued by her fans to look into the ghost of Mary Hawthorne.

New Hampshire - Teddy Scarebear: A playful little jaunt through the splendors of dark comedy, this short sports a facetious slasher film that is presented in the style of a movie trailer.

Utah - Billy: Ungodly Hour: Her home away from home, for a novelist seeking refuge from a troubled relationship and hoping to finish her latest work, there is no better destination than a boarded-up cabin on the outskirts of town.

Maine - Dirigo: Not long after a strained group of friends arrive at their seaside cabin, a distressed woman comes darting through the trees in their direction. They offer her aid, a decision they quickly come to regret.

Arkansas - Claw Hollow: While outside playing ball, a young boy spots a peculiar woman standing in his garage.

Michigan - Red Abyss: As three unfastened siblings discuss some of the finer points of their fathers recent death, including the inheritance, it becomes every man for themselves when a malevolent force descends upon them.

Arizona - Entropic: This is an awesome claymation piece depicting the age-old tale of "guy goes camping; guy gets abducted by alien; guy becomes pregnant."

Washington - Needlework: They demand more, and so the seamster plies his trade, weaving with diabolical threads, dresses that women are sure to lose their minds over.

Pennsylvania - Elysia: Elysia and her partner Molly are vampires, and while time may stand all-too-painfully still for them, the world continues turning, aging, changing. A rift develops between the evergreen couple when Molly's actions begin to prove how dangerous their kind can truly be.

Missouri - Crockpot: She receives a new crockpot from her mother-in-law, which she perceives as a clever ruse devised by her mother-in-law so she'll have another reason to admonish her during Thanksgiving. Rest assured, she will make the perfect Thanksgiving dish this year.

The only one that was actually good, was the Nevada one. The rest of them really stink. Know this didn't make any money. Where was the horror??? It sure wasn't any of these turkeys. Hopefully they will this was the producers only film.

I'm always happy to see an anthology come out and looked forward to seeing this one.

Unfortunately, although several stories are offered they are are little blips of non-information, no tale, no character and not worth the watch Every story is a non-story, quick like flashes of memory but senseless and because so little info is offered you're left with an unfinished movie. No scares or build up, just meh...

Granted, with "The United States of Horror: Chapter 1" being a horror anthology, I have to admit that I didn't have much of any grand expectations to it. Why? Well, because the vast majority of horror anthologies are dubious affairs that hardly proves worth the time and effort. Yet, as I had never heard about this 2021 horror anthology, I opted to sit down and give it a chance.

Okay, well the 2021 horror anthology "The United States of Horror: Chapter 1" wasn't exactly off to a great start. I mean, a horror anthology set to take place in the United States of America, but it is narrated by a British actor from Liverpool. Good choice, right there. Sure, I get that Doug Bradley is an icon within the horror genre, given his role of Pinhead, and he has a very distinct and recognizable voice, but he is British.

Moving on. Well the first segment is titled "Dark Lights" and takes place in Nevada, was a rather bland vampire story, with some of the most questionable blood effects I've seen in quite some time. It didn't really display any acting performances.

The second segment is titled "Don't Drink the Water" and is set to take place in North Carolina. The story here was over before it even started, and that made for a rather dull viewing experience.

Moving on to the third segment, which takes place in Florida, and is titled "The Succubus". At least the title here held some promise. But the director spent most of the segment showing a lame lovemaking scene. The design of the succubus was interesting, though. This segment was actually good, despite the wasted time on the sex scene.

And the fourth segment is titled "Vexed" and is set in California. This segment actually showcased some proper acting talents. And better yet, the story was also good.

Right, then on to the fifth segment, titled "The Locket" and taking place in Connecticut. Ugh, not off to a good start, as it was some vlogger, and I just can't stand those narcissistic attention cravers. In all fairness, however, the story was actually not bad, despite the atrocious self-centered vlogger main character.

The sixth segment takes place in New Hampshire, and is titled "Teddy #Scarebear" and it was boring. Also it was over before it even started.

Skipping along for the seventh segment, titled "Billy: Ungodly Hour", and set in Utah. At least the title was interesting. But the segment was not all that good, and the acting was rather dubious.

Which leads us to the eight segment, which is titled "Dirigo" and is set to take place in Maine. And it proved to also be a dud. The storyline here was just laughably stupid.

Segment number nine is set in Arkansas and is titled "Claw Hollow". Even that one struck out, as it proved to be a somewhat irrelevant story.

Next up is "Red Abyss", and that story is taking place in Michigan. Guess what? Yup, that one was a dud too. Not a particularly entertaining story. There simply is too many segments where they use white contact lenses.

Unto the eleventh segment, which had a nice title. It was "Entropic" and is set to take place in Arizona. And this was a stop-motion animated segment. It was genuinely a weird storyline that made no sense. No. Just no!

"Needlework" was the twelfth segment, taking place in Washington. Also a segment with a storyline that just didn't make much sense, or have much of any coherent red thread to it.

Rushing on to the thirteenth segment. This one was titled "Elysia" and took place in Pennsylvania. This was another vampire tale, but at least it proved much better than the first vampire segment "Dark Lights". The acting performances in "Elysia" were good. This was actually one of the better segments throughout the anthology.

And no, it didn't stop here. Sliding on to the fourteenth segment, titled "Crockpot" and set to take place in Missouri. At least the title had me chuckling. The acting performances in this segment were also good, which was a much needed thing for the anthology. It as an okay storyline too.

I actually don't think I saw a single familiar actor or actress on the cast list, for better or worse. I do like watching unfamiliar talents and faces on the screen when I sit down to watch a movie. I will admit to that, so I was in for a treat here while suffering through this rather dull horror anthology.

All throughout the course of the 99 prolonged minutes that the anthology ran for, I sat and wondered in the suffering would soon end. Yet, I managed to endure it to the end, wanting to see if not at least one, just one, of the segments would prove it worthwhile having wasted 99 minutes on watching "The United States of Horror: Chapter 1".

One thing left to talk about here is Doug Bradley's narration. It felt and sounded like he didn't want to be there doing the narration of the anthology. His voice was lacking the usual luster and drive that it usually has, so it was a bit of a flaccid experience listening to him sort of sluggishly get through this.

"The United States of Horror: Chapter 1" is not the horror anthology that turns the table in terms of my perception of horror anthologies, because this was just a dumpster fire of an anthology.

My rating of "The United States of Horror: Chapter 1" lands on a three out of ten stars.

More like horrible instead of horror! Don't waste your time on this, it's a bunch of really bad short bits of poor cinematography, acting, and storyline.