London Fields: Romance Fatal

The ingredients: (1) A very bored chain smoking Billy Bob Thornton without yellow fingers. (2) The femme fatale who is consumed by all things sexual like a female cat on heat. She doesn't work, prepare food or go shopping but instead prances around all day in her underwear in her flat in case male visitors arrive. She has also been living in the neighbourhood for a year but the boys never noticed before. How come? (3) The posh gentlemen who prefers to hang around in sleazy underground bars all by himself where he has no friends and doesn't fit in. (4) The dart player scumbag who squints his eyes and pulls faces every time he speaks as if someone emptied a bottle of lemon juice in his eyes. (5) The kid in a dinosaur suit who behaves like a total gremlin and has to be stopped physically or he will eat the furniture. Where can it go to from here? Only downwards, and we didn't even get to see her boobs.

One of the worst movies I've ever watched. Amber Heard plays a woman who has foreseen her own murder and spends the rest of the film trying to work out who her killer will be, apparently by ... shall we say "sleeping with" .... all the possible suspects.

I am writing this while half way through it and I already want to kill her myself. She sashays and vamps around valiantly, but cannot pull off the film noir vibe. Heaven only knows what Jim Sturgess thought he was doing. I would like to say he chews up the scenery, but I doubt his crack-head yellowed teeth would be up to the job. Billy Bob Thornton is, well, Billy Bob Thornton, only sleepier than usual. The only high spots are the few appearances by Johnny Depp as a cheerfully villainous Cockney gangster, but he is uncredited in the final product. One can only presume he did not want to be associated with this abomination.

Pretentious, badly acted, boring tosh. Total waste of a good book and almost two hours of my life! Awful. Absolutely awful.

I'm going to be brief: Jim Sturgess overacts so much it's embarrassing, my neighbours three dogs bark from the minute they leave to when they get back, Jim is way more irritating than them. It's like amateur dramatics night.

Give this one a wide berth.

Stylish with some surreal touches, but lost all the complexities of the book. It falls into the: 'so-bad-it's-entertaining' category. A vacuous, one-dimensional performance from Amber Heard adds nothing to an incoherent plot. Jim Sturgess epically over-acts to hilarious levels! What was the director thinking? No wonder Johnny Depp wanted to remain un-credited

Apparently the lead actress was a looker ten years ago and this made up for a complete absence of acting talent. she is not a looker unless one means her own blank stare, and she just destroys the film with unbelievably bad acting.

FYI for the one person who posted four reviews under different names saying "get the directors cut" -- all of us giving this one or two stars did see the directors cut. It IS the directors cut streaming. It is just as bad only more nonsense. More garbage does not make the garbage better.