Dial M for Middlesbrough

For three years I've tried hard to like these 'murder mysteries'. Some decent actors struggle with awful scripts and dreadful plots. You soon couldn't care less who is the murderer and just want it all to finish. Few if any, redeeming features. Comparisons with Carry On films or similar are well wide of the mark. These make Carry on Columbus look funny and this is by far the worst of that canon. Pitiful in the extreme.

After the feeble Death on the Tyne. Draper's tour operators Terry (Johnny Vegas) and Gemma (Sian Gibson) return in another disappointing and overlong instalment.

On the way to Middlesborough, the coach breaks down at a dismal down in the dumps caravan park, a place where Gemma once had a holiday of a lifetime.

Pretty soon they stumble across people getting murdered in some sadistic ways.

The site owner is hoping that the land is designated as a nesting site for some rare birds which means he does not have to sell it to H from Steps.

Jason Donovan plays a sleazy entertainments manager who once had a thing for Gemma.

It is a combination of comedy and gruesome deaths. One person gets spiked by a swingball, Terry finds a finger in some soup he had and there is even a hit man wandering about.

The best joke was Terry wanting to have a classy wedding with Gemma and lay on a gravy fountain with vegetables. It was the only decent gag in the whole thing.

The other 2 were pleasant distractions but this just wasn't. I think I missed the crazy old people that are usually on the bus. This was mostly the 2 of them and a new cast of extras that I didn't find funny at all.

This horror-mystery comedy sequel to Murder on the Blackpool Express (2017) and Death on the Tyne (2018) takes imagery from umpteen horrors and whodunnits, and gives it all a pretty good comic spin. I suppose a reasonable description would be 'Cluedo meets I Know What You Did Last Summer'. We're treated to plenty of familiar UK TV comedic and dramatic actors - often playing against type (standouts are the wonderful Phil Davies, Annette Crosbie, Jason Donovan (beautifully parodying his real life persona), Sian Gibson, and the irrepressible Johnny Vegas). The whole cast look like they're having a ball, sending up just about every slasher trope you can think of - including increasingly ludicrous amounts of blood 'n' guts. At an hour and a half it's long enough to do justice to the idea without overstaying its welcome. Like most straight horror films and thrillers it's at its most entertaining when you don't know the answer to the mystery, but the solution is a funny (and unexpected) one. 7/10.

There are some good actors here, but they don't stand a chance in this under-rehearsed moronic drivel. The whole thing is desperately unfunny. There is far too much quick cutting, which means the director fails to capitalise on his one plus point; the performances.

Highly amateurish, Dial M for Middlesbrough is a abject failure.