Colegiais em Apuros

Let me begin by saying this. I am taking time out of my day to sit here and write about how awful this movie is. Rarely do I ever write a review on here. I only do so if I really like a movie, or can't stand a movie so bad that I think others should be warned about going to pay to see it. All told, I've written probably four reviews. This is hands down the worst movie I've seen in the last five years. Sadly, I thought the previews made it look alright. Seeing as how I'm 23 and recently graduated from college, I also thought that this movie could bring back some nostalgia from my recently deceased college years. Me and three ex-fraternity brothers from school went to catch this movie with hopes that it would at least provide us some decent laughs before going out. We were dead wrong. Not only is this a blatant rip off of Superbad, Accepted, The Girl Next Door etc., it also is host to three of the most annoying main characters in the history of film. The jokes suck, the situations are beyond dumb, and the portrait it paints of college is completely wrong. In order to hang out with frat guys you have to take shots of tequilla from a dude's a$$ crack? Really? Don't remember seeing that in my college days. Annoying fat kids hooking up with hot blondes? Yeah, no, don't recall that either. College kids even caring that high schoolers were at their parties? Not the case. Where I went to school they were introduced and greeted with a beer. No one f**king cared if they were there. I could go on forever, but the bottom line is save your time and money. Go rewatch Superbad or Dazed and Confused or something. Or better yet, save your 10 bucks, get a 12 pack of shi**y beer, get drunk, and let the night unfold. There's a more realistic college experience for you.

What you get with 'College' is, a lamely executed farce of a comedy that relies on idiotic humor that not even idiots would find funny. Luckily, the film has more boobs in it than any film of recent memory, and a couple of the female characters are extraordinarily good looking. That means, of course, that if you're either gay or female, you're going to want to kill yourself from boredom.

A simplistic plot for a simplistic movie doesn't allow for a lot of surprises, though the film's ending does get points for departing from the formulaic 'boy has epiphany and gets girl' ending, and adding a little more to it. Our three leads are tolerable at best. 'College' boasts a mostly unknown cast, with the only 'names' in the film being Drake Bell, Kevin Covais, and Verne Troyer. Andrew Caldwell's performance as a wannabe partier is basically a teenage version of Chris Farley's entire career. Except this one doesn't have the laughs. Bell is alright, but fails to gain the audience's attention as the leading man so many tween fans already tout him as. Kevin 'Chicken Little' Covais has a few funny moments, especially whenever he's acting drunk, but adds little to the film. He's a MUCH better singer than actor, as evidenced by American Idol. Haley Bennett was my favorite part of the film as Bell's love interest. Gary Owen is hilarious as 'Bearcat', the typical crazy frat guy.

'College' has heart, and gets credit for trying, but the execution on the part of the director, casting directors, producers, and to a lesser extent, the screenwriters is what hurts the film. First, I like that Drake Bell is trying to shed his Nickelodeon image, but he was the wrong guy to cast here, mostly because he isn't a big enough name to draw in the people, and what little fans he does have aren't old enough to see this film...there lies the problem. Bell's fans can't see the movie, and I seriously doubt all the people that voted for Covais on American Idol are fond enough to waste their money on this movie. Next, the rating of this film, while very much deserved, hurts the film the most. Had the film been made as a PG-13 film, it might have been just as 'good' in terms of quality, not to mention it would have made more money. Third, all the 'f' bombs and nudity were completely unnecessary, and seem to be there just to secure the R rating. Fourth, having been to college myself, this film is nothing like the real thing. The parties are crazy, but this is too much. It is so unrealistic on every level that it's just astounding. At least Superbad was realistic...in some regards.

'College' is a painful and sad attempt to recreate college life on the big screen. If you want something more realistic, try 'Fifty Pills'. Or just take fifty pills of something. Bell is seriously miscast, and Deb Hagan's direction, along with her producers' bad choices, drag down what could have been a mildly entertaining and mildly successful Superbad ripoff.

OK, this movie is a real stinker.

If you are looking for a quality movie experience, look elsewhere. Yes, it is not original, it is predictable, the jokes aren't good, and the characters are one dimensional. But it's so bad, it's good. The clichés and raunchy-ness just add to the fun. A bit of a let down at the end when it tries to get serious, and not a classic in the "so bad it's good" genre. Don't be expecting Barbarella or Bolero, but there is some good raw material here. A stupider (not just vapid) ending would have gone a long way.

A few beers will enhance the experience.

... you might actually kinda enjoy this. Not that it is any good compared to many other "raunchy" teen comedies (some of the best lately being the first American Pie movies), but if you stop comparing this to other movies (like Superbad, another great comedy, that cannot be touched by this movie), this won't be a complete waste of time. The characters are cliché, but while mostly bland, the actors still try their best and almost achieve to give them some edges.

There are many flaws (if I start to think about them, it'll loose a point or two), but in the end, this movie delivered, what you could expect it to do. So while my rating is low, if you happen to have low expectations too, they will be met, by this. Of course the fecal and urine jokes are not really the best side of this, but it's up to you to decide, if you wanna go down "that road".

Some story lines are being left in the dark, others are underplayed (or dealt with wrongly, the girlfriend storyline), but the three main girl characters have a sweetness to them, that is kinda fun. I guess I liked seeing them try ...

Well, there's bad movies and then there's BAD movies. I didn't expect this one to be high art, but I didn't expect it to be this bad. "COLLEGE" is a low budget, uninspired, horribly written waste of time.

The most amusing part of the movie was watching the fat kid try to mimic all of Chris Farley's mannerisms as an acting style. Pathetic.

I've seen a LOT of "teen comedies" and "raunchy comedies" and enjoyed them. But "COLLEGE" is an embarrassment to those types of films. To be honest, it was just...boring.

The three main characters

• pale ripoffs of the three main "Superbad" characters, by the way...there's a Micheal Cera clone, a Jonah Hill wannabe, and a poor man's McLovin...it couldn't be more sadly obvious -

spent most of the movie covered in urine, vomit, and feces.

And THAT, dude, is the joke. For the ENTIRE movie.

"Whoops, we've got pee thrown on us. Whoops, we were thrown up on. Whoops, now we're covered in pig crap." I can't remember the last time I was willing to just walk out in the middle of a movie at a theater. But, had I paid to see it and not gotten a free pass, I would have left and asked the manager if I could see something else.

I've got no personal stake in this, and it obviously won't affect me if people see or don't see this film. But, I'm telling you, you'll kick yourself for paying money to see this movie.