Celebrity Wrestling

Saturday evening TV is bad enough, but this totally trash show must be one of the worst programmes ever screened on Saturday's and has turned out to be a flop. Not surprised at this.

As I write this review, Celebrity Wrestling has just been axed due to very poor viewing figures. It only had 2 to 3 million viewers, compared to Dr Who on BBC1 on at the same time with 8 million.

The celebrities on this show are not exactly well known and I certainly don't call the winner of another rubbish show, Big Brother a celebrity, who is one of the contestants. Other contestants taking part in this trash include former EastEnder Marc Bannerman and James Hewitt. Everybody shows off, especially the audience and the presenters are over the top too.

Worse still, this show was repeated on the following Sunday morning, another time when there are plenty of rubbish programmes on.

Celebrity Wrestling is an insult to the intelligence. Total rubbish and cheap TV. ITV can do better than this.

ITV must have been really pulling out the stops in finding Saturday night opposition for the BBC and Doctor Who. Unfortunately, what ever they came up with was ditched and they went for "Celebrity Wrestling" instead.

Words cannot describe the sheer badness of this; I'll just say I'd take Family Affairs, Big Brother, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! or one of those written-on-the-back of-the-bus "sitcoms" the BBC always seem to churn out to fill in the Friday night gap between Eastenders and Have I Got News For You.

Everything about this "show" is just wrong and excruciatingly lame; it can't go five minutes without one of the obnoxious presenters turning to the crowd and yelling "ARE YOU READY!!!!" or a big screen flashing highly imaginative slogans such as "Bring it on" as two ex-reality TV show contestants (The highest form of 'celebrity' on display here) try to knock each other of a spinning platform with a stick. Given, one of the presenters is Roddy Piper, although he can't save this trainwreck.

Can ITV do any worse? Yes it can, next we've got "Celebrity Love Island" on every night for the next three years.

TV is just dead. Trash like this gets the primetime slots on ITV, and Channel 4 is allowed to shunt inventive works of genius like "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace" into midnight viewing slots and then axe them. Heck ITV has Harry Hill at their beck and call, and even he is on either at 11 PM or in the middle of the afternoon with no audience.

Avoid this dreck at all costs. It is an insult to your intelligence and humanity. Hopefully, 'celebrity' orientated game shows like this and reality TV will one day take their rightful place alongside the other Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Terrible This really was a pitiful excuse of a prime-time Saturday night TV show, as a semi-retired pro wrestler myself (I'm taking a year or two out from the business) I was quite frankly embarrassed by this.

In fact this wasn't actually "wrestling" in that sense at all, instead it was just stupid "Gladiator" style games, which featured the celebrities (and I use that term loosely as they were Z-list to say the least) hitting each other with pogo sticks, and trying to push each other off a big round platform in a sumo type game among other things, also the games were "real" in the sporting sense (Although all the hamming up for the cameras and the pretending to hate each other was with out a doubt staged), unlike classic pro wrestling which is staged, so at least the winners of the respective games were legitimate in that respect, but in my opinion, I think the show may have worked better if the matches were staged and held in an actual wrestling ring, with story lines, good guys and bad guys etc, like a proper pro wrestling promotion would operate. The celebs had cheesy names like "Pocket Rocket" for the annoying Jeff Brazier and "The Brawler" for Big Brother 3 winner Kate Lawler (Very imaginative, let's just give somebody a wrestling name rhyming with their surname shall we?).Also the host former WWE/WCW wrestler" Rowdy" Roddy Piper came across as really cheesy and annoying with his stupid mannerisms and catchphrases, I loved Piper in his WWF heyday back in the 1980's/1990's, but he was damn pitiful in this.

D'lo Brown and Joe Legend (Both former WWE wrestlers) captained their respective teams the "Warriors" and the "Crusaders", D'lo to his credit seemed to add a little bit of class to the show and in my opinion came across OK, but he was fighting a losing battle with so many clowns surrounding him.

This was axed from its prime time ITV slot after I believe just 2 weeks, and finished its miserable little run on ITV 2, as if this rubbish had a chance against the excellent new series of "Doctor Who" on BBC 1.

For years insiders in the British Wrestling scene wanted the "sport" back on mainstream TV since it was axed back in 1988, however I believe shows like this may have driven the final stake into British wrestling's heart, although this was not really in essence "wrestling" it still all gets tarred with the same brush, which isn't right, but its just the way that it is unfortunately.

Film tutor John Truby once told his class that " Towards the end of every drama the protagonist must make a decision . When I say a decision I don't mean that they have to choose between being awarded an ice cream over root canal surgery without anesthetic because by definition that's not a choice since there's no dilemma involved and can't be called a decision " I wonder if John will be using this example for his film studies class ? :

Britain early May 2005 and a 7 pm Saturday night television audience has a choice between

DOCTOR WHO : Starring a critically acclaimed actor famous for his dark angry portrayals dressed in a black leather jacket in a fantasy series with Hollywood standard special effects and tight scripts featuring a breath taking firefight between a Dalek and hundreds of extras , or a later episode featuring an intelligent science fiction plot with space bats killing guests at a wedding

Or

CELEBRITY WRESTLING : Starring Roddy Piper wearing a kilt and a host of B list celebrities smacking each other with giant cotton buds and getting involved in push fights in a show that rips off GLADIATORS with the contestants having great names like " Killer " , Animal " , " Slapper " and " Tosser "

That's not much of a dilemma for a family audience is it ? I mean if you've got Christopher Eccleston trying to save humanity from the forces of darkness compared to a couple of actors from a soap opera getting involved in a sumo wrestling type bout then what one are you going to watch ? No Dilemma involved I think . I guess the producers were aware of this at the beginning so they tried to inject some human drama into it by having the coaches console " the gallant losers " who are more often than not in tears and praising the contestants courage but this comes across as being so false and patronising it's almost offensive and no wonder the audiences switched off in their millions

Perhaps Mr Truby should use the following example as a decision ? :

Britain late May and a 10am Sunday morning audience has a choice between

THE HEAVEN AND EARTH SHOW where guests discuss their religious beliefs as to what God , Jesus and spirituality mean to them in a pretty dire talk show

Or

CELEBRITY WRESTLING Starring Roddy Piper dressed in a kilt and a host of B celebrities discussing how much winning this competition means to them

I think television on a Sunday morning at 10am is a much better example of having to come to a decision as in " Will I go out and buy the Sunday papers or shall I stay in bed till 11am ? "

STAR RATING:*****Unmissable****Very Good***Okay**You Could Go Out For A Meal Instead*Avoid At All Costs

Two teams of six 'celebrities', The Warriors and The Crusaders, basically battle it out for, er, ultimate supremacy in this latest attempt to draw in Saturday night viewing figures.

I was just about to write for my one-line-summary 'so it's going to be axed then', but then I couldn't help thinking about another review I wrote involving Kate Lawler for RI:SE and realized that would have been exactly the same summary I wrote for that...Coincidence,or what?!? What was it she did again...was she the first woman who walked on the moon or something?!?...oh no, wait, she was the first woman who won Big Brother, ah, yes.....Anyway, she's just one of a number of 'celebrity' nobodies (the most notable of which is probably James Hewitt. This show is a complete breach of the Trade Descriptions Act!) battling it out in this pretty flat and unexciting attempt to liven up the dire state of Saturday night TV (although TV's in a pretty poor state in general.)

The main problem (although you wouldn't know it to look at them) is that they are celebrities (though even Avid Merrion wouldn't 'love' them!) and they wouldn't know real wrestling if it hit them in the face. The duels they are set look really tepid and fail to generate much in the way of genuine excitement at all, meaning you don't care who wins or loses and that the show just becomes a tedious slog to the end.

On the presenting front, the heart and soul of the show I would actually consider to be Rowdy Roddy Piper. bob the moo obviously found him a bit irritating, but he's a proper professional wrestler and he's spent his whole life whooping up the excitement and atmosphere of the wrestling arena over in America where it's done for real with real professionals unlike this pampered lot and he's just trying (in vein, it would seem) to transfer some of that over here. I actually think he's the one bright spark in this whole sorry mess,to be honest. Better than boring old, rent-a-presenter Kate Thornton anyway.And, if she weren't bad enough, we have Jack 'I'm clinging on to my celebrity by the skin of my teeth' Osbourne presenting some kind of spin-off show on ITV2, hamming it up and really succeeding in getting on everyone's nerves.

American WWE wrestling still enjoys quite a big fan-base over here, so it's kind of understandable that someone would want to make a British spin-off of sorts.Unfortunately, this hasn't been very successful, either critically or commercially, meaning we won't be seeing much more of it now. Note to telly producers: work harder. And, unless you want your show to be cancelled not even half-way through mid-season, please, if you see Kate Lawler, in the words of Iron Maiden: Run to the hills, run for your life.**

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Since this review was written, due to plummeting ratings and the cancellation of the show, ITV1 have obviously used the craze whipped up by the release of the new, final Star Wars movie to use one Saturday evening for a showing of The Phantom Menace, so they can quietly usher Celebrity Wrestling away from it's prime-time Saturday slot so it can live out the remainder of it's final, humiliating, pitiful days in a morning children's TV slot. For kids who only have access to terrestrial TV, it might have worked in keeping a few of it's viewers but those with Sky Digital have a clear choice: watching these amateurish, pampered lot do their tepid little thing or tuning in to Sky One and watching the staged but genuine, truly hard-hitting antics of the real-life professional wrestlers on The WWE Experience...tough choice, huh?!?!???