- Man on the street: God bless you.
- Chris Pontius: [dressed up as Satan] God didn't bless me. He wrote a bunch of fibs about me.
- Bam Margera: Oh, dude ! My fucking tailbone is seriously broken ! I'm not even kidding !
- Ryan Dunn: He broke his tailbone... That's alright, we don't have tails anymore, what's the point of having one ?
- Johnny Knoxville: I have a full grown, semi-nude man bound with duct tape in my truck and I was trying to get out to the desert to bury him. How do I get to 5 South?
- [the last line of the last episode]
- Johnny Knoxville: That's it, it's over. We should probably head to the bar now.
- Preston Lacy: Um, tonight we're gonna get spanked by a couple of dominatrixes, up in 301.
- Johnny Knoxville: Dominatrices.
- Preston Lacy: Dominatrices? Sorry, my English ain't so good.
- Chris Pontius: That guy right there is the best damn roller skater ever. Maybe even in the whole town.
- Tony Hawk: [dressed in a chicken suit, and about to ride a skateboard on a loop-to-ramp] I'm seriously going to die right now.
- Chris Pontius: You like this song? Kinda makes you feel like partying. I kinda feel like partying right now.
- [tears his clothes away and dances]
- Chris Pontius: From my experiments with sexiness, it seems like a lot of people are afraid at first, and fear usually equals violence. But eventually I'll win their hearts, and instead of fighting, they'll want to make love to me.
- Johnny Knoxville: Even the men?
- Chris Pontius: Yep.
- [after Ryan has jumped several times into a river in winter]
- Bam Margera: Are you cold?
- Ryan Dunn: You're an idiot.
- Interviewer: What does the smoke do?
- Norm the Beekeeper: Well, the smoke disorganizes and confuses the bees.
- Interviewer: Now, if we were to blow the smoke on Mr. Knoxville, would it confuse him?
- Johnny Knoxville: In the movie Cool Hand Luke, Paul Newman eats fifty hard boiled eggs without puking in one hour. We didn't think that was possible, so we staged our own little contest to see if any man OR woman could eat fifty eggs without puking. Well one thing; in our contest we encourage puking.
- Johnny Knoxville: [standing in the middle of the road] Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville and I'm about to get hit by a car real soon!
- Steve-O: I have your name tattooed on my ass.
- [while exposing a tattoo that say "Your Name" on his ass]
- Bam Margera: Phil gets off work in ten minutes, and I've got twenty paintballs up in this bitch. He's gonna die.
- Chris Pontius: They say Poland is the Mexico of Europe. I'm not sure of what that means, but I like it.
- Johnny Knoxville: So, we've driven an hour north from Miami to Boca Raton, believe it or not, to film Steve-O jump into nine days worth of elephant poo.
- Johnny Knoxville: [to a cow] Hi sweetie, I'm gonna inseminate you artificially... maybe for real if you play your cards right.
- Bam Margera: I want you to punch me in the face one second prior to take-off, so that it softens the blow.
- Brandon Dicamillo: And today, good sirs, I will stick my lance far beyond where the light of our world shines, deep into the colon of our enemy. Sir Bam-a-lot, you will feel a lot of my lance in your ass.
- Ryan Dunn: I'm Ryan Dunn. Today I'm gonna do some land skiing up here in the Pennsylvania mountains and try not to die.
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