Count the Ways

Ann Perry's COUNT THE WAYS shows a basic misunderstanding of pornography, an error she was to correct in later, more popular films. Gussying up the old in & out footage with poetry and other wimpy material doesn't do anyone a favor.

First problem is the marketing/packaging of this movie, trumpeting one Charla Miss "42", dominating the poster art with a drawing of her big jugs. Yes, in the film proper there is a coed named Georgia played by Charla, who wears a 42 on her tee-shirt for the hard of hearing. However, she doesn't disrobe, has no sex scenes and in fact is merely an extra with no significant role at all. Even if this were a mainstream rather than a porn film it's false and misleading to promote her presence (which doesn't even rise to the level of Christie Brinkley's memorable cameo in NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VACATION).

Instead, film stars lovable Justina Lynn and Yvonne Green, convincing as coeds in Tyler Reynolds' English class, where he reads them (and poor us, in the audience) endless snatches of poetry by E.B. Browning, Shakespeare and others.

The long-haired prof likes to shtup his students, and Perry stages these sexual interludes romantically, even in the snow (which looks a lot better than it must have felt to the thesps).

There's plenty of filler, with Joey Silvera on board, plus always photogenic Desiree West distracting from the lead actresses. Her Black boyfriend Dashile Miguele turns out to be the bad guy, threatening to fink on Reynolds for his coed behavior and blackmailing him (he wants some mixed combo action with Reynolds' girl friend in exchange for not turning him in to the school officials).

This is lame in the extreme, with a distracting & very artificial dubbing of the voice for Sybil, played by Beth Ruberman, another of Tyler's attractive underage conquests. For all its romantic gooeyness, the film basically trades in underage-girls having sex, as played by overage girls like West. So much for uplift.

All the participants here have done considerably better work, which accounts for the liberal use of pseudonyms.