O Massacre dos Barbys

Jess Franco's "Killer Barbys" is to the band The Killer Barbies what Aki Kaurismäki's "Leningrad Cowboys go to America" was to the Leningrad Cowboys. Both are movies starring an existing band and both are typical products of the directors. Kaurismäki is known for his deadpan black humor presented in films totally weirding you out and "Leningrad Cowboys go to America" is a weird and funny tale of the Leningrad Cowboys going to America. Franco is known for erotic horror movies and "Killer Barbys" is a mix of horny rockers and cannibalists.

But there's more. Kaurismäki made a sequel, "Leningrad Cowboys Meet Moses", an attempt to make the worst movie ever. To a certain degree he succeeds in doing so. Franco's "Killer Barbys" doesn't try to do so, but it's difficult not to see how many horror cliches you can see in this film: at night you hear the sound of wearwolves, it's often twelve o'clock, there's cannibalism, there are some dwarves, most of the rockers constantly want sex, a semi-naked girl is being chased in the woods, there's lot of blood and someone even ends up being crushed. How much gore can you get into one movie?

But movies like "Killer Barbys" and "Leningrad Cowboys" never meant to be original. They are mainly there to let you know the band exists. And if anything they are much more enjoyable than your average rockumentary. And even though Franco made lots of no-budget movies where anyone can see through the special effects, I suspect him here of making the effects as bad as possible (if you can't see that the dead bodies are dummies, you desperately need to get your eyes checked.)

It is true that Franco could have tried harder and that the movie could have been better, but it's common knowledge that Franco's best movies can't be found in the nineties. Most of those movies are even badly acted, so it's very ironic to realise that two rockers act better than Franco's cast of regulars (Lina Romay, Linnea Quigley, ...). "Killer Barbys" is the only decent movie Franco recently made, so if you want to see some of his later work, this is the best choice you can make. As long as you remember it's a Frankenstein experiment of combining gore and rockumentaries.

By the way "Love Killer" is a nice song.

In KILLER BARBYS, the rock band of the same name -led by Flavia (Sylvia Superstar)- happen upon a remote castle after their vehicle breaks down.

Said castle is the home of an ancient Countess (Mariangela Giordano) who happens to be a vampire, and she's very thirsty! It's not long before our heroes are being killed off by The Countess' henchman and his eeevil dwarfs!

KILLER BARBYS is another wonky, erotic spook-fest from Director Jess Franco. It contains the requisite gore, nudity, and a semi-cohesive story line.

EXTRA POINTS FOR: The Countess! She's hot, ruthless, and downright animalistic!

Gorehounds will want to stick around for the death-by-steamroller denouement...

This is not a completely horrible movie but it still is one that is about nothing really and all of its events lead to nowhere, making this one pointless and extremely forgettable movie to watch.

I really think that Jesus Franco is one of the worst directors of all time. But fair is fair, this movie is not half as bad as most of the other stuff he has done over the decades. Oneliners like 'worst movie ever!', 'completely unwatchable' or 'uttertrash' really don't apply to this movie.

But obviously this movie is not a great one either. It's not just a problem that the movie it's story is about nothing but it's more so a problem that the the storytelling is lacking focus. There is not really one clear main character and everything seems to happen at random. So the one moment we are having a killing, the other a sex scene and then there is a midget popping up as well every now and then. Why? Just because they could! It's not like any of it is really serving a purpose for its story. Focus Jesus Franco, focus!

Like you could expect from a trashy Jesus Franco movie, there is plenty of nudity in it, as well as sex sequences. Problem I always have with these moments in basically every Jesus Franco movie is that they serve absolutely no purpose and all and it always makes me think that they are only put in the movie to please Jesus Franco himself and to live his own fantasies. Even now, while he is in his 80's, he's still doing this sort of stuff.

The gimmick of this movie is that it stars a Spanish punk rock band in it, called "Killer Barbies" who are basically playing themselves but they were forced to change the title for this movie for the obvious reason. Don't really know the reasons for the band members to appear in this particular movie, since it doesn't seem like the most logical thing to boost your career with, especially not when Jesus Franco is at the helm of it all. But apparently they all had a good time, since they actually made a sequel to this movie, 6 years later, called "Killer Barbys vs. Dracula".

But besides this gimmick, it's a real run of the mill movie from Jesus Franco, that got made in 1996 but actually feels like the sort of stuff he used to make in the '70's and '80's already. Even seems to me they are still using the same sound effects as well, as well as all of the same gore effects and tricks. And they still believe they can shoot night sequences during the day time and think they can get away with it. This is seriously often one of the most distracting things about any low-budget horror production.

Perhaps not as bad as its current reputation and also far from the worst thing Jesus Franco has ever done but it clearly isn't a very good movie either.

4/10

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The rock band Killer Barbies is on tour across Spain when their van breaks down. They are invited by a dark stranger into a dark castle with a dark secret: the countess reached the age of Methusalem by drinking blood of young people. Such as... yes, rock band members. "Killer Barbys" suffers from the problems you could easily predict for a movie that is basically a mere promotion support for a band: poor acting (Aldo Sanbrell is the only exception), low budget, same old story. But it is clearly better than its sequel "Killer Barbies vs Dracula" in the whole atmosphere. The foggy castle is full of strange props like dolls without eyes, clocks, bones, barred windows... spooky! So, if you don't mind the silliness, gore and nudity, it's a "good bad flick". I dare say it even was the beginning of Jess Franco's return in the 90s when he seemed to fade away into oblivion.

People who say this is the worst Jess franco movie obviously haven't seen too many Jess Franco movies. This has the same liabilities of many Franco flicks--the story is formulaic, the budget is non-existent, the film-making is borderline incompetent, the acting is terrible and the English dubbing is even worse. This movie is basically an extended promo for "the Killer Barbies", a less-talented, Spanish version of The Cramps with a sexy female lead singer, "Sylvia Superstar", who makes Britney Spears appear conservatively dressed by comparison. Fortunately, their music is a lot better than Britney Spears'. Unfortunately, it seems to consist of only two songs that they play over and over again, first in a live concert, then on the tape deck of their Scooby Doo-style tour van, and then non-diegetically on the soundtrack.

After their van breaks down in the remote countryside, the band members take refuge in a creepy old castle (except for one couple who remain in the van to have sex for a ridiculously long time, before getting chased naked through the woods and summarily slaughtered). The surviving Barbies prove pretty tepid heroes actually, but the villains are pretty good--they include long-time character actor Aldo Sambrell, actor/producer Santiago Segura (unknown in America, but a cult figure today in Spain) and two creepy-ass midgets. Most impressive though is the infamous Mariangela Giordano as a Countess Bathory type who needs the blood of. . . well, obviously not virgins, but young people, in order to restore her own youth. Giordano has a very long, blood-soaked, butt-naked nude scene, which is pretty damn impressive considering she was almost 60 at the time! Of course, if you're watching this to "flip one off the wrist" as it were, you might not want to witness an actress a few years shy of collecting a pension in the altogether (no matter how good she still looks), but this kind of polymorphous perversity is what I find most interesting about Franco. Maybe it isn't very sexy, but it's a lot more interesting than watching your usual silicone-enhanced bimbos going through the motions of tediously choreographed softcore sex scenes. Call me crazy.

"Sylvia Superstar" also has brief nude scenes (which is more than you'll get from a Britney Spear's movie and you'll suffer a lot less for the privilege). Ditto with the ridiculously horny female back-up singer (at least before she is regrettably "decapitated" and replaced with what is obviously a headless department store mannequin). The special effects are laughable as usual. This is hardly "the most violent Jess Franco movie" as is claimed in the intro, but it's far from the worst one either