O Tesouro do OVNI

Everybody with even the slightest interest in cult/exploitation cinema knows that the Italians were true masters of imitation. During the 70s, and especially during the 80s, they joyfully copied premises and ideas of popular Hollywood blockbusters and released them as blatant and shameless rip-offs, although usually with more action, more absurd plot twists, more extravagant characters and much more sleaze. Literally every Hollywood classic that scored big at the box office received several Italian imitations. This "Top Line" presumably holds the world record of stealing ideas from the largest number of US-blockbusters in one and the same script, as it contains story elements of "Raiders of the Lost Ark", "Cocoon", "Romancing the Stone", "The Terminator", "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom", "E. T.", and probably even a few others I'm overlooking. I just wished it was as much fun as it sounds, though...

Franco Nero is one of the biggest and most talented actors to root from Italy, for sure, but the late 80s definitely weren't the best years of his career. Here, he stars as a lowlife author residing in Columbia; - supposedly hunting for ancient treasures but mainly settling for spare chance and free booze leftovers. He, Angelo, does eventually stumble upon a massive discovery, namely a UFO hidden inside an old Spanish galleon (yes, really!). From then onwards, Angelo finds himself pursued by CIA agents, Russian KGB spies, Nazi antique dealers, a cyborg mercenary, and slimy green aliens disguised in the sexy skin of his ex-wife. I honestly don't know how all this ended up in one plot, but I reckon director Nello Rosati and whoever wrote the scripts were experimenting with a lot of drugs at the time.

The problem with "Top Line" is that it looks and sounds like a fun flick, but in reality, it's a downright boring and irritating mess. Like a few other reviewers already righteously stated, the uninteresting parts of the film are incredibly stretched out. The first 15-20 minutes, for instance, contain absolutely nothing of interest, and only feature images of Nero passed out with his head on bar tables and a lot of inaudible dialogs. If you manage to struggle through the first act, what follows next is a thoroughly confusing and incoherent middle-section with some utterly senseless action footage. Suddenly, for example, Nero's character is in the back of pickup truck - amidst boxes full of chickens - and behind the wheel is a drunken Colombian couple that races down a cliff whilst hysterically laughing. They even continue laughing and drinking whilst their truck is being rammed and shot at by one of Angelo's pursuers. What the...? The final act of "Top Line" is amusing, what with the cyborg assassin and the transforming alien, but it's simultaneously the most illogical bunch of nonsense I ever witnessed.

Let's see, is there something else worth mentioning? Oh yeah, the almighty George Kennedy has a small supportive role as a sadist Nazi who enjoys chasing Nero with his car - at a snail's pace - through a field of cactuses. His distinct voice is dubbed, however, which is truly a cinematic crime.

It's difficult to sit here and praise a fair pace, suitable plot development, and timely insertion of action scenes when the movie is so dubious otherwise. I'm not sure if it's just the poor fidelity in the specific treatment of 'Top line' I watched, or if every element was truly just so uncarefully considered, but by one means or another so much of the feature feels very inauthentic, and plainly staged. Even scenes of the greatest excitement seem like they're painted over with a muted tone that means nothing is depicted with any impact.

Direction is questionable. Editing and sequencing is dubious. Delivery of dialogue is forced, and some lines as written are suspect. Even the most outlandish plot can be rendered into a compelling story, but the narrative writing in 'Top line' is direly specious - weak, and unconvincing - and the scene writing isn't much better. The score feels incomplete - like the compositions as we hear them were demos that were left unfinished. Dampened as the performances are by the film's construction, only Deborah Moore manages to stand out with a display of acting that's at all noteworthy - though she doesn't escape unscathed from this mess, either.

The special effects are alright, I suppose, for 1988. But if that's the greatest praise to offer for a film, something is very wrong.

I'll be honest, I want to like this more than I do. Far-fetched as the screenplay is, there are some good ideas here. I especially like the climax, and the concept of the ending - I think these tie together the rest of the narrative pretty well, though of course they don't ameliorate the utmost difficulties we've endured to reach that finale. If even just the writing were approached with greater care, the movie would have been elevated considerably. But as it is, the picture at large reflects a glaring lack of attentiveness, diligence, or thoughtfulness, and the result is the near total negation of any positive attributes. It's all too easy for one's focus to wander away from a feature this dull, and I can't imagine recommending it to anyone. I suppose there are still many worse titles one could subject themselves to, and it's entertaining in the way that any visual media is a diversion - but by no means should you seek this out. 'Top line' is a movie for a very rare, rainy day, and that's about it.

Oh man, oh man, oh man. I love it when I stumble across a beautiful gem buried amidst a pile of garbage, and the latest gem is a little Italian science fiction adventure from 1988 called TOP LINE. TOP LINE promises one thing then delivers another, in the best possible way. Take a gander at its poster and it seems to promise a riveting adventure in the vein of an Indiana Jones film, with stars Franco Nero and Deborah Barrymore swinging from a rope (in improbable stances) across a chasm in a deep cave with the busted wreckage of what appears to be a steamship in the background. This imagery is slightly misleading in that a) it's not a steamship they find in the cavern but a 15th century wooden galleon of some sort (if I'm remembering correctly), b) Barrymore's character isn't present when it's discovered, and c) this movie is way, way more than the average adventure film that this poster promises. For starters, the film's alternate title was ALIEN TERMINATOR and, oh my yes, it delivers on this promise. Let's start with some context. Nero plays Ted Angelo, an alcoholic writer who's been living in Colombia on his publisher's dime while trying to put together his next piece of work. Tired of waiting for Angelo to sober up and do his job, his editor/ex-wife Maureen (Mary Stavin) fires him, offering to buy him a plane ticket back home to Italy. By a stroke of luck, Angelo stumbles across an old Aztec dagger in the possession of his…Colombian sexy-time friend? Anyway, he makes plans to sell the dagger and make a nice profit but problems arise when those he contacts about selling it are murdered. Fearing for his life, he traces the dagger back to where it was found and discovers something that puts him at the top of everyone's hit list.

You should be warned: the first twenty minutes or so of this movie are pretty dull. At this point, it's just getting all the exposition out of the way. Angelo is an alcoholic. He's a writer, lives in Colombia. Spends most of his time passed out amid a swarm of empty bottles or cans instead of working. He's divorced and still works for his ex-wife (that takes some guts) and he seems like a bit of a running joke amongst his peers. Then, one day, his…I really don't know…hotel masseuse (?) busts out with an ornate Aztec dagger she borrowed off her boyfriend and Angelo has dollar signs in his eyes. At this point, the movie still has a very low-budget Indiana Jones vibe. Angelo is trying to find a fence for this hot product (it's mentioned that it's a crime to sell artifacts) but people are dropping dead around him. Worried it might've been stolen from the private collection of a powerful antique dealer (George Kennedy), Angelo traces it the dagger back to where it was discovered, an enormous cavern containing the wreckage of an old wooden sailing ship…and more. Now TOP LINE ditches any Indiana Jones adventure pretense and goes full science fiction and Angelo discovers an alien spacecraft hidden within. Now Angelo, the writer, has the story of the century as long as he can find someone that will believe him. This was one of the movie's funniest elements, in my opinion: Angelo desperately pleading like a mad man for someone to believe his tale of an ancient buried alien ship. I'm sure the filmmakers wanted us to feel the tension but it instantly melts away the moment I hear Nero raving about "flying saucers". Now, for the remaining hour or so of the movie's runtime, TOP LINE becomes one long awesome chase and this is where it gets interesting.

The last hour of this 90 minute movie makes it all worthwhile. Angelo is chased by increasingly dangerous opponents. One of my favorite parts of the film has Angelo evading capture by ditching his shoes (to confuse the men tracing his footsteps in the sand) and running barefoot into the desert. This turns out to be the worst possible thing he could've done because the deranged antique dealer then begins a low-speed car chase wherein he trails poor Angelo, forcing him to run barefoot through a long stretch of cacti. He just idles along behind Angelo, laughing insanely and nudging him along with his bumper when he stumbles to his knees in exhaustion. When Angelo tries to bring this UFO to the world's attention through a major New York news outlet, it sends a team immediately to South America to accompany Angelo back to the alien craft. But, surprise! Even the news crew is a secret team of assassins out to silence him. The only person he can trust is a woman named June (Barrymore) whom…and I'm being completely honest…I don't even remember being introduced. I'm sure it happened at some point in the first boring 20 minutes but I had no recollection of who she was or why she was suddenly along for the ride. I don't know who she is, but I'm sure she regrets her unfortunate involvement when they're suddenly faced with the (alternately) titular alien terminator, which doesn't even make an appearance until the last thirty minutes. Poor Angelo has the local police, the secret service, the military, the freakin' KGB, and now an alien death machine intent on silencing him. And it all culminates in a final showdown where Angelo learns the truth behind it all and learns an unlikely secret about his past. TOP LINE is a blast. It's stupid fun, Franco Nero does a great job, and it moves at a brisk pace once the action kicks in around 25 minutes into the film. I very much recommend fans of low-grade cinema seek this gem out.

This film's American title, ALIEN TERMINATOR, suggests that it would be set in outer space - but it's actually a jungle adventure for the best part of the duration! It's silly, cheesy and cheap (particularly the robot effects and the repellent make-up of the alien creature at the end) but oddly watchable.

The cast, however, looks fairly uncomfortable: Franco Nero is amusing as a writer on the skids; William Berger's role is limited to the beginning and is quite brief; George Kennedy is hilariously out-of-place as an antiquarian with a silly German accent and an even sillier laugh - his death is therefore appropriately reminiscent of Dreyer's VAMPYR (1932)!; the three women with whom Nero is involved - among them Deborah Barrymore, not a member of the celebrated American family of that name but actually British, and the daughter of Roger Moore!! - are attractive but add very little to the proceedings (except for the twist ending involving Mary Stavin).

A hilarious scene involves an unstoppable cyborg (in the vein of Arnold Schwarzenegger), belatedly introduced into the story, which gets into a scrape with a bull and is torn in half into the bargain! Also, the worldwide conspiracy theory brought up in the script - that aliens are already living among us and occupy important civil positions - is not only far-fetched but ludicrous! The film does have an eclectic electronic score (a feature of many a low-budget title from the 80s) which alternates between lounge music and disco-oriented vibes, not that this helps matters much...

This sadly neglected film from 1988 really deserves more attention from aficionados of so-bad-it's-good movies. It might have been a merely incompetent mash-up of Indiana Jones, Romancing the Stone (mainly realized in a cover image that occurs nowhere in the film)), and The Terminator (no, really).. However, the last half hour is so bad it elevates the film to a higher lower bad movie level. It stars reputable B-list Italian actor Franco Nero and a host of unknowns in a story involves discovery of ancient artifacts in Colombia that indicate extraterrestrial contact. There are a few boobs briefly shown and gore is nearly nonextenet, but it's a good bad movie for the time it was made. I recommend being drunk or high or both before you watch it.