O Mistério Etrusco

The video of this I rented features lots of "Americanized" Italian names. I get how "Paolo Malco" (from MST3k's "Escape 2000") became "Paul Malco", but how did "Sergio Martino" become "Christia Plummer"?

Anyhoo, this French/Italian coproduction tells the incredibly unengaging tale of some drugs hidden in some ancient burial tomb thingee and some other stuff happens and there may or may not be supernatural forces at work. Alan Hale jr-look-a-like Van Johnson (MST3k's "San Fransisco International") gives loooong expositional scenes, and John Saxon (MST3k's "Mitchell") gets his head twisted backwards (and apparently the killer also switched his right and left hands). Another victim looks like a cross between Michael Caine and Elmer Fishpaw from "Polyester". The music by Fabio Frizzi is just the score from "Gates of Hell" used again. The special effects are just maggots- maggots on photos, maggots on hands, maggots on statues.

Anyway, it should go without saying, but don't watch this movie.

(1982) The Scorpion with Two Tails/ Assassinio al cimitero etrusco DUBBED HORROR/ THRILLER

It has Joan Barnard (Elvire Audray) while in NYC having the same recurring nightmare/ proclamation regarding her ritual and her husband, Arthur Barnard (John Saxon) who happens to be an archeologist. And after a brief call from her husband, from Italy to NYC, he informs her he is bringing back 12 crates, it is there he is killed right on the spot by having his neck twisted. As a result of wanting to know what happened to her husband, she feels more than obligated to take a trip to the same archaeological sites her husband had visit ed. It was at this point we are introduced to many characters from the Contessa Maria Volumna (Marilù Tolo) and her goons as well as the racket Joan's dad, Mark Mulligan (Van Johnson) is involved in which happens to be heroin.

By looking at the big picture, this is supposed to be the horror equivalent of Raiders of the Lost Ark made one year prior to this one. There is not a single nude scene and the lead actress Elvire Audray herself at that particular time could have been mistaken for a Taylor Swift look-a-like. The most boring thing about this movie is the fact there are way too many characters. Viewers are kind of oblivious before have suddenly appear out of nowhere, whether he is related to Joan's husband or part of the group itself. And by the time viewers find out who the killer is, it made even less sense.

The Scorpion With Two Tails features an interesting premise but feels underdeveloped and hastily made. It also becomes a drama when it perhaps would have been better off as horror. It essentially involves a woman who goes to Italy to investigate an Etruscan tomb after the death of her archaeologist husband. Because the Etruscans were so mysterious, the film explores interesting concepts like the Etruscan language and religious practices. The primary problem with the film is that it stumbles into the "eurocrime" genre as if to compensate for a plot that wasn't fully worked out, and next thing you know we're dealing with family members hiding drugs in the Etruscan tombs, gangsters, et cetera. Essentially the film becomes a crime thriller that is slow paced and isn't especially thrilling when it really should have gone the Jean Rollin horror route. The film is unsatisfying but is definitely worth a watch.

Horrified by a series of vivid dreams, a woman heads to Italy to look after her husband's excavation of an Etruscan tomb, but when a series of murders strikes those around her she and her friends race to find the truth about the treasure before more are killed by the maniac.

There's not a lot to like about this one. Among the few likable factors here come from the setup of the film focusing on the discovery of the tomb and what it means in terms of generating a murder spree to protect its contents. That there's a fantastic setup involving the mystery surrounding the connection between the old community and the series of dreams she has regarding their ceremonies coming to life and tormenting her. Not only is the imagery of the dreams and hallucinations rather impressive with the activity taking place in gloomy, Gothic dungeons and caves filled with ornate monuments and worms covering everything around them but the idea of the mystery about the whole thing being a cover for a drug-smuggling operation makes for some tense scenes inside the underground caves. However, beyond this, there's not much to enjoy here. Most of this is due to the jumbled and incredibly garbled presentation of the film being edited down from a lengthy miniseries adaptation. Originally broadcast in seven one-hour installments, editing this down into a nearly one-hundred-minute feature causes a lot of material to be lost just in general principle but also causes this one to feel somewhat plodding and lethargic even with a lot of excesses trimmed off it. The majority of what's in this version is based on excessively overlong dialogue scenes involving the disappearance of the husband and the notes left behind or the strange behavior of the father concerned about the contents of the tomb which are both included without much purpose for being here. So much of this one has very few explanations for what's going on and it seems to go about these factors as a given that it comes across as jumbled and underwhelming as a result. On top of that, the film also stumbles incredibly hard when it comes to a series of ineffectual and underwhelming series of action and stalking scenes that are somewhat plain and lifeless. The main culprit is due to the generally uninvolved method of killing by having everyone get their necks snapped and turned around to face the other side which is a somewhat lame means of death since there's little that can be done with it and it repeats itself as the main mode of death so often that it's not threatening all that much afterward. Even the lack of proper investigation into the killer comes off weak, and that there's also the lack of action here with a standard yet uninvolved car chase and shootout inside the tomb accounting for the main thrills here all comes off bland as a result. These factors all manage to bring this one down.

Rated Unrated/R: Language and Violence.

The Scorpion with Two Tails has all the makings of a great Giallo. Aside from the intriguing title, it's also directed by Sergio Martino; the same man who made some of the best Giallo's of the seventies with films such as The Strange Vice of Mrs Wardh, it's written by Ernesto Gastaldi; whose name will mean a lot to every Giallo fan worth their salt as he has written many of the best films that the genre has to offer, and on top of that - we've even got a performance from cult actor John Saxon. However, Martino clearly didn't have his penchant for directing by 1982, Gastaldi was having an off day and John Saxon's character lasts all of about two minutes! Like the earlier Giallo, The Dead Are Alive, this film focuses on the ancient 'Etruscan' civilisation. Joan Barnard, the wife of Arthur Barnard; a famous archaeologist is having problems. She's suffering from nightmares that focus around ancient tombs. Her woes increase when her husband calls from Italy and ends up getting his neck snapped mid-phone call! She then travels to Italy to investigate.

This film was apparently cut down from a television series, and I can only assume that they left the worst parts in! There's barely any excitement to speak of whatsoever, and this ensures that the film is very hard to care about. Add in some extremely unenthusiastic performances (unenthusiastic even by Italian horror standards!) and some silly fantasy crap and what we've ended up with here is one of the worst Giallo's ever made! It's a real shame too as this film blends in a few different styles and if Martino could have just pulled it all together better, this could definitely have sat alongside his more esteemed film credits. One of the few saving graces in this film is the music; but once you recognise it from The Beyond, the credibility soon dries up! At least the film manages to limp through with a decent finale; though once you've sat through the first eighty five minutes of the film, it could be the best ending of all time and most people would be unlikely to care. Overall, this is absolutely nothing to recommend this film for and I recommend that everyone skips it!