O Mistério da Ilha dos Monstros

Whew. Glacially paced, barely directed, amateurish and dopey pseudo-adventure-comedy about shipwrecked travellers dodging evil treasure-hunters on an island packed with rubber dinosaurs, walking seaweed men, and *gasp* giant, whistling, steam-blowing caterpillars. (Yes, really). --Stalwart young hero, comic-relief panicky professor, cute chimpanzee, and embarrassingly-close-to-racist native companion bumble around the island (acquiring along the way a female castaway who's apparently located the volcanic island's only beauty salon) one step ahead of the gold-seekers. Supposedly cute twist ending only makes the whole thing even more preposterous. A long, long way from Jules Verne's original (I believe it's the same story which Harryhausen made FAR better as "Mysterious Island") - too bad Verne can't sue for defamation of plot...

"It's the worst movie ever" is an oft-used phrase. "It's a real turkey" has just about lost its punch. How about this for a plug line: "MONSTER ISLAND isn't a movie; it's punishment for a lifetime of horrible deeds."

I taped it for my 6-year-old son and we just got through watching the thing; I had to have a bath afterwards in case any stray remnants of this cheesy, inept, incompetently-directed, over-the-top spectacularly bad acting, ill-conceived design, Jules-Verne-insulting, direct-attack-on-filmmaking pile managed to shoot through the pixels and land on me. The looping was apparently done by performers for whom 'human' is a second language. Truly excellent actors Peter Cushing and Terence Stamp were fortunate because while top-billed, they barely had any screen time at all. I'm still floored by having to witness one of the most baroquely florid and horrendously just plain bad performances in the history of cinema: that of the estimable David Hatton as Professor Artelect. It all makes sense in a way: he must have been the title Monster; his victim the acting profession.

In summation, this is a reprehensibly dreadful z-budget debacle. Suffice it to say my young son found it unbelievably bad and he's about as easy an audience as they come. Don't just avoid this one: work hard to help find a cure for it.

OK, I watched 20'000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA, MYSTERIOUS ISLAND, and CAPTAIN NEMO AND THE UNDERSEA CITY, and they were good. But this one is pretty poor. Yet it was kind of silly, and a little cartoonish. The professor gets hit, and you here a "Buh-oooiii-iiinnnggg" kind of noise (hey I heard that noise in SESAME STREET). The monsters in this film are pretty bad and lame. You see beasts that look like a combination between the gill man and a baboon. A big monster that looks like a combination between an allosaurus and a gorilla (how did they do that, a man in a suit, a robot)?

Weird. Glops of sea weed that come to life. It looks like a bunch of SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS rejects. And caterpillers that blow steam. I thought this was a "creatures from lost worlds" kind of fantasy, but at the end, everything was joke island. The music in certain scenes like the chase scenes with the thieves sounded like cartoon music of the early 80's. The set where the hero and company were chased in a cave resembles the cave from the 1960 remake of THE LOST WORLD. Since the movie was called JULES VERNE'S MYSTERY ON MONSTER ISLAND, how come you see beautiful birds or harmless monkeys. I was expecting some prehistoric life forms. As Blockbuster Video Movie Guide says, "stick to MYSTERIOUS ISLAND". This film (like KING KONG ESCAPES) is not available on video, but you can tape it on the Sci-Fi channel.

This wasn't smart enough to be considered campy or tongue-in-cheek. Although, come to think of it, it did have every cliche of bad monster/castaway/uncharted island movies. I suppose that's an accomplishment.

Unfortunately, this one constituted another gaffe within my ongoing Halloween challenge since it's not really a horror film despite title, director (he'd later make the gory PIECES [1983]) and presence of genre icons Peter Cushing and Paul Naschy! In fact, it's a typical Jules Verne adventure (based on his much-filmed "Mysterious Island") which proves surprisingly palatable – thanks also to a lively score – though unbalanced by comedy relief from the youthful hero's bumbling/cowardly sidekick, a Professor of Elocution whose name is constantly mispronounced ("T. Artelet not tartlet!").

Cushing is the protagonist's rich uncle who has purchased an island, to which the boy is sent and where he meets a variety of dangers (pirates, cannibals, monsters) – eventually, there's a twist with respect to most of these, which thankfully explains the sheer poverty of the creatures on display! On the other hand, Naschy has a very small role at the start as a man who has struck gold – which is then coveted by his associates. The latter include Terence Stamp who, for obvious reasons, was Cushing's chief rival for the acquisition of the island; later on, he turns up on it (ludicrously shrouded from top to bottom complete with anachronistic goggles!) with his bandit horde to take the gold by force – to this end, he even plants a female 'shipwreck victim' to lure the hero into divulging the loot's whereabouts.

Coupled with the far better GORILLA AT LARGE (1954; see above) on Fox's-by-way-of-MGM "Midnite Movies" banner, it offers the film both in English and Spanish. At first, always the stickler for a film's native country being its original language, I started watching the film in Spanish but when a narrator began translating the credits into Spanish and the English subtitles proved to be of the descriptive "hard of hearing" variety, I soon gave up my puritan pretensions and watched it with the more 'user friendly' English soundtrack on. At least, one does get to hear Cushing and Stamp reciting their own lines this way...