O Covil das Vampiras

"Vampire Hookers" (1978) has been issued under a dizzying array of alternate titles, but apparently this was its only theatrical monicker. For his lone feature shot in the Philippines, 72-year-old John Carradine looks splendid in an immaculate white suit and sombrero, playing a vampire with the startlingly original name of Richmond Reed (his own birth name). Whether quoting Shakespeare, which he enjoyed doing all his life, or wondering if Walt Whitman was a vampire, Carradine never fails to pump some much needed life (pun intended) into the often tired proceedings. Of the three young beauties who bring their victims to Reed's hidden underground lair, former Playboy Playmate Lenka Novak is the only recognizable face, having done similar work as 'Linda Chambers' in 1977's "The Kentucky Fried Movie." The IMDb biography for Lenka Novak is skimpy on details, but it was apparently written by a dedicated fan, who did a good job encapsulating her numerous credits. Karen Stride went on to do only two more features, while Katie Dolan never made another film. Although not blessed with great acting skills, they are lovely to look at, despite only appearing topless, while the slow-motion sex is botched by director Cirio H.Santiago, who indulges far too much footage to the unfunny flatulence of Vic Diaz, whose servant character yearns to one day become a vampire himself (a pity he gets his wish). Carradine would go on to play Dracula one final time, in another 1978 comedy "Nocturna," a vanity film for star and producer Nai Bonet, admittedly a beautiful dancer who gyrates nicely for the camera. Only three more titles offered the veteran character actor top billing- "The Best of Sex and Violence," "The Scarecrow" (both 1981),and "Demented Death Farm Massacre...The Movie" (1986), from director Fred Olen Ray.

Oh man, this movie is worth watching just for the theme song!! If you are a collector of B horror movies or like to pop 'em late at night you must see this movie. Most John Carradine movies are bad and this is for sure no exception! This gem is complete with bad voice overs, bad acting and a Super Awesomely Bad orgy scene. This movie is pee your pants funny and it's one of the worst movies your little peepers will ever view. Seriously, this needs to go in any B Horror movie collection. Jeese, I can't believe they made this movie, but I'm glad they did. It's just too funny.

This film is almost never funny intentionally. All the laughs come from the rushed dialogue, the odd pauses and fast responses, the awkward cuts and the I don't really give a crap about this shot attitude present in 80% of the movie. Is the acting bad? The worst. Is the Story bad? It's Vampire Hookers, the story is the title, if you don't want a laugh at that idea don't watch this movie. Fart Jokes Included.

Take one word from group A (Ninja, Robo, Samurai, Vigilante, Zombie, Vampire, Alien, Cyborg, Barbarian) and one from group B (Cop, Princess, Assassins, Hookers, Warriors, Strikeforce, Muthaf***kers) and you'll have yourself a movie title that sounds awesome. Get Ciro H. Santiago to direct it, and it'll be crap.

Vampire Hookers, for example, has the potential to be a hugely entertaining piece of bloody, sexy schlock horror; in the hands of Santiago, though, the idea becomes a dreadfully unfunny camp comedy/horror full of juvenile humour (bumbling 'Abbot & Costello' type sailors; a flatulent vampire; lady-boy gags), embarrassing performances (poor old John Carradine as a poetry spouting vamp), and cheap props (styrofoam 'stone' blocks), but zero gore.

About the only thing Cirio does right is to cast three absolute stunners as his titular ladies of the night and get them naked a lot—although, somehow, he even manages to botch a scene in which the lusty bloodsucking babes tag-team a lucky sailor: torturously long and amazingly unerotic, it's hard to believe that anyone can make a three-on-one sex session seem so boring!

Vampire Hookers has two comedy American sailors go ashore in San Francisco, not California but The Philippines, looking for a good time (women and booze). They cross paths with a vampire called Richard Reed (played by horror legend John Carradine), his three sexy female vampire companions plus a funny character called Pavo (Vic Diaz). Pavo is not a vampire himself but he does sometimes wear false fangs, sleeps in a wooden box and farts a lot! Yes, this is a horror comedy, sexploitation, Grindhouse flick. I have been watching horror movies for over 40 years but until a couple of days ago I had never heard of this little movie. In addition to farting gags there are corny one liners throughout, "It's not my eardrums I want blowing", sailor - "That is not death, it's murder", vampire - "It's not murder, it's dinner!", and so on, and so on. I believe that horror/comedy is quite a hard genre to get right but credit to the makers, they did a fairly good job here. The film is very rich in colour and the vampire scenes reminded me of Euro Gothic horror, nicely shot. One sailor gets to make love to the three vampires, all at the same time. There is topless nudity and oral sex is implied, the scene goes on for a while but it is very soft in nature. Throw in a very catchy end credits song I found Vampire Hookers to be fun and utterly trashy in equal amounts, certainly not a classic but worth watching for a few good laughs, plus of course for the late Mr Carradine.