Gymkata: O Jogo da Morte

I met Kurt Thomas at a gymnastics even in 1992. First thing I said to him was "Gymkata?" It is probably not difficult to imagine the look that came over the poor man's face at that point.

But I love Gymkata. We used to watch it for its tremendous entertainment value as an all-time great "bad" movie. My own personal favorite parts are the pommel horse in the medieval lunatic asylum, the guy saying "there is some anti-American sentiment going around here" immediately before being shot with an arrow, and of course the "Yak-MALLA!" war cry of "Parmistan." Oh, yeah, the four or five repetitions of "Karabal, on the Caspian Sea" before the place is shown with just that as the caption on the screen.

Yak-MALLA indeed!

JP Marat L'Ami du Peuple

I first saw this movie with three friends at a theater in Norman, Oklahoma when it first came out. Aside from the four of us, the usher was in the theater, and the projectionist too. They should've gotten combat pay.

The US government goes to a gymnast to get him to train for and participate in The Game, a decathlon cum obstacle course held each year in the tiny country of Parmistan (the four of us immediately decided its major export was Parmesan cheese...). The Khan of Parmistan grants each winner a favor, and the US wants our hero to ask pretty please to let the US put some kind of radar installation in Parmistan to support SDI. Our hero agrees--after all, his dad mysteriously disappeared in Parmistan.

Our hero gets some help from the Khan's daughter, who turns out to be the only citizen of Parmistan who looks even vaguely Asian. (_Gymkata_ was filmed in Zagreb, then in Yugoslavia.) There are people who want to stop him, though--fortunately, every place our hero is in danger, there happens to be a convenient piece of gymnastic equipment that he can leap onto and kick some enemy behind. (It even comes pre-powdered so his hands won't slip--they think of everything!)

A high point of the film is the Khan himself, and his pronouncements from the balcony. We in the theater swore up and down that Mel Brooks was playing the Khan... He always uttered some non-English interjection that we promptly forgot (UPDATE: it's "yakmalla!"), replacing with "Uff- da!" when imitating him during and after the film, and followed it up with "My people!"

I recommend this in a double feature with _Phenomenal and the Mask of Tutankhamen_. Think you need an Abdomenizer? Nope--just watch these two movies.

Mullet Wars at its best man. As expressed numerous times, anyone that loves laughing at movies, who appreciates camp value, mullets, bad acting, extremely poorly acted sequences, bad fight scenes, indiscernible plot configurations, and yes THE MULLET, you will love this movie.

Everyone around here is giving such glowing remarks about the camp value of the film maybe its high time we talk about just why this movie is BAD. If you're in the mood for an epic adventure action movie, do NOT see this one with hopes of coming out with your testosterone cravings sated. Such is the curse of bad kung fu movies without genuine kung fu artists. Why did this movie fail dismally at its objective? Well I can think of a few reasons off the top of my head. First off, as alluded to, this is an action-epic type of movie with definite parallels to Enter the Dragon. Martial Artist chosen by government to go to some isolated little known area of the world to help the United States' cause by outwardly competing in some kind of competition/game.

So given its obvious reaching for Enter the Dragon memories, you would think Clouse would have made an attempt to grab some good actors, the kind of martial artists that could easily impress the audience with their moves. So who did they get? All white guys, including an olympic gold medalist in gymnastics, Kurt Thomas. So where in the martial arts action epic genre some directors sacrifice acting talent and bad english for superb martial arts (Ninja 3: The Domination, a bad movie with some pretty good martial arts), and other directors sacrifice superb martial arts for well spoken english, boyish charms, and great acting ability (David Carradine and Jeff Cooper in Circle of Iron, a must-see if you love martial arts genre whacky movies) Clouse has in this case sacrificed "acting ability" of all variations for bad english and *horrible* martial arts sequences.

Why else is this movie an utter failure at its objective? Well, part of the magic of Enter the Dragon was its theme of Shaolin martial arts. This, especially at the time, was kind of a popular mystical topic that few understood, but most everyone thought was "cool". In this way, anything Eastern involving mysticism or fighting is a veritable well of immediate movie value (hence the 80's ninja craze). The problem with this movie is it gave the feel of a popular mystic subject without using any of the popular mysticism that gives this type of movie instant entertainment value to movie-goers regardless of accuracy. The biggest attempt at this might be the name "gymkata" because it sounds kind of Eastern, and the premise of mixing western and eastern styles. But in actuality this premise is little better than a line in the movie, because there is NOTHING else in the movie to support it.

Why else? Bad sequences, choreography, and directing. When I think about this movie and Enter the Dragon, I can't help but think that Clouse truly just was not trying with this movie. Its the only way to explain his complete inept job of directing this movie. The subplots are bare and underdeveloped. The premise of the movie surrounds a "game" whose rules and dynamics are completely indescernible, baffling, and plain dumb. As previously expounded upon, the coincidences in this movie are terrible such as the infamous pommel-horse town of the crazies scene. My honest guess is that after Kurt Thomas won the gold medal, some money grubbing crazy producer (the kind responsible for making 7th sequels and whatnot) decided to capitalize on gold medal fame by starring a gymnast in a martial arts movie, then proceeding to blackmail Robert Clouse into directing such a film, and Clouse in his attempt to get back at his blackmailer, sabotaged his own film by putting a bunch of bad-acting white guys who can't fight in a martial arts genre movie, sticking in poorly developed subplots such as the love story between the princess and the gymnast, and overall making a movie that any director would sit back, watch on the big screen, take the ONLY copy of the film, lock it in an iron chest, and bury deep within the earth's core.

Wow! This one has been stuck way in the back webs of my mind. Almost erased until I stumbled across it on the IMDb! As soon as I saw the title I immediately remembered the movie as if it were last week. I can see why many would consider this to be a bad movie, but oh well, opinions are like #*$holes, everyone has one. So be it. I liked it. The cheesy element made it work in a weird way. The locations were authentic from what I remember and the action was pretty good.

The scenes that stick in my mind are the crazies in the village, very funny, but almost creepy. I remember when he entered there were creepy noises, I was 11 yrs. old in '85. Also, the flagmen, dressed in colorful uniforms pointing the way to the next obstacle. I liked this movie and I remember it as a late night classic on HBO/Cinemax in the 80s. I hope cable brings it back with this release. If not, I will purchase it.

"Call me Snake"

People love to rip on this camp classic, but I have probably seen this movie as many times as Star Wars. Johnathan Cabot(Kurt Thomas) is a swashbuckler like no other, and he has an uncanny knack for finding gymnastics equipment to do routines on and defend himself. The pommel horse in the village of the crazies is a perennial favorite, as is the horizontal bar in the middle of the town of Karabal, on the Caspian Sea.

Look for a cameo by the Where's the beef? lady in the village of the crazies, and a plot that is a convenient afterthought to the creation of a context where Thomas' gymnastics skills can be highlighted.

As if one bad movie about Gymnastics wasn't enough, Mitch Gaylord decided he'd give it a shot in American Anthem, which came out a year later.

Unfortunately, this Gem is not available on DVD.

-CNW