Sloane

(B-movie Messiah): Good people of this incredibly petrified world, you don't need to fear any longer. Sloane's here! (Astounded crowd): Who the hell is Sloane? (B-movie Messiah): You people don't know who Sloane is? THE Sloane? (Astounded crowd): No … (B-movie Messiah): Sloane!!! He's the guy Chuck Norris has nightmares about! The dude Steven Seagal hides for! The bloke Arnold Schwarzenegger bows down to! The action hero prototype for whom Sylvester Stallone retires back to his jungle! (Astounded Crowd): Never heard about him…

"Sloane" is a 100% obscure, undiscovered and unloved early 80's action movie and that's what it will remain always and forever. This is the type of movie that probably will never get a DVD release and only the deranged people with a passion for lousy, low-budgeted exploitation will take the effort of seeking stuff like this out on VHS. Around that time there were numerous movies like "Sloane", all of them clearly intending to cash in on the success of such films like "Rambo". What you needed was a handsome beefcake protagonist, an inexhaustible army of hideous bad guys, a handful of sexy female love interests and a couple of testosterone-packed action stunts. Everything else is of minor importance, like a plausible plot and half decent production values. This movie is great entertainment, as long as you are very tolerant towards stupidity and if you can gather some friends, beer and pizza.

"Sloane" is a massively clichéd action movie. The titular character himself is also a tremendous stereotype. Sloane – here on the movie page fully credited as Philip Sloane even though I don't recall anyone at any point addressing to him by his first name – is a suave and virile blond God who used to be a cop in Manila, but now resides in California where he lives on a yacht and practices martial arts. He's called back to the Philippines because his ex-girlfriend got kidnapped and her husband brutally murdered. As soon as he lands in Manila, Sloane pretty much instantly turns into a pig. He hangs around bars, sleeps with local jailbait prostitutes, insults the girl he's supposed to work together with and starts random fights. Sloane also bites off the heads of snakes whilst he's in the middle of high speed car chases and he has the worst action hero one-liners I've ever heard. The plot is unimportant throughout three quarters of the film, and then all of a sudden there's a lot of confusing drivel about religious cults, secret hideouts in caves, cannibalistic midgets (!) and betrayal. Cheap and very amateurish action flick with unimpressive staged action sequences and too many dumb twists to name. There's a good reason why lead guy Robert Resnick didn't grow out to become a major action hero, as he's a terribly lame actor. He has the squeaky voice of an adolescent boy and he doesn't even look that buffed. The cover image is totally fake, by the way, as Sloane never appears shirtless. "Sloane" is really fun to watch if you want to mock the typical characteristics of early 80's B-cinema, but make no mistake, it's incredibly bad film making.

My review was written in June 1986 after watching the film on Vestron video cassette.

"Sloane" is an example of hwo a film is doomed to failure if it doesn't begin with a workable script. Dull actioner was filmed in 1984 in the Philippines and Los Angeles, but was released directly to video cassette domestically this year.

Handsome Robert Resnik portrays Sloane (his name is repeated constantly by the supporting cast in a reminder), a former L. A. cop sent to Manila (where he lived for many years) to find kidnapped Janice Thursby (Ann Milhench). He's been hired by Janice's dad, whose son-in-law Richard Thursby (George Mahlberg) was murdered during the kidnapping.

In Maila, Sloane reluctantly teams up with Richard's sister Cynthia (Debra Blee) to try and find Janice. They're aided by Sloane's Filipino pal Pete (Raul Aragon), whose pretty sister Naili (Carissa Carlos) quickly becomes Sloane's bedmate. Uneventfu search is padded by okay car chases and violent shootouts. Entire plot, concerning some money supposedly stolen by Richard from an international religious cult, is sloughed off in a quick speech by Peter near the end of the picture.

Cast becomes increasingly bored with the pointless exercise and any audience is likely to join in the sentiment. For a good guy, Resnik's character of Sloane is distastefully ruthless and clashes horribly with the actor's niceguy personality. When he's called upon to laugh maniacally while mowing down bad guys in the final reel, Resnik really has egg on his face. Co-star Blee (who starred in Crown's "The Beach Girls") is styled as a tomboy but delivers one requisite topless scene for her fans. Supporting csst is weak, with several thesps doubling (as usual in a low-budtgeter) as soundman, location coordinator, etc.

I would have to say that Sloane is probably the best movie I have ever seen. I saw this movie at blockbuster and I knew right away from the elaborate cover that this was the movie for my wife, 2 young children and I. We sat next to the fire with a clear view of the television in suspense for Sloane's crack the whip action. Between Sloane's one liners and non-stop action our family was glued to the television...literally. Let me just say we never returned it and our family uses so many lines from the movie that we say we have a secret language called "Sloanian" everyone loves it and wish they could speak. Once this movie catches on it is sure to be a cult phenomenon to the likes of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Please, do it for yourself, do whatever you can to buy or at least watch this spectacle of a movie.

In the Philippines, a gang kills Richie Thursby and kidnaps his wife Janice. Her father hires ex-cop Philip Sloane (Robert Resnick) to go to Manila to rescue her. Richie's sister Cynthia hounds him but he doesn't want her help. Two men come to rape Cynthia and Sloane comes to the rescue. They go off in search of Janice with the help of an old friend Pete Saimi. Richie had stolen money from a gangster who is now holding Janice.

First of all, this is badly shot. The acting is bad, the directing is horrendous, the dialog is weak and the actors are bland. Chuck Norris is a Shakespearian Oscar winning actor compared to Robert Resnick. The karate chopping fights are kind of fun with some passable stunts. There are B-movie car chases and a big explosion. The local shoots are exotic. However the movie is a boring mess. The movie has a long boring scene in the brothel and really creepy with a young girl he knew from before. "You've grown... and so have I." It's pedo-tastic.

This is a run-of-the-mill bad B-movie for over an hour and then it goes over the edge. They find out that the gangster is the Chinese leader of a religious cult. Sloane turns into Rambo but poorly done. In the cave, they're attacked by cannibalistic pygmies. It's about there that the 1/10 is truly earned.

What we have here is a movie nobody ever heard of, plain and simple. To put it a bit more refined: Not one single name in the complete cast & crew rings any kind of bell (at least not in my case), the bloody thing gets a 2.6 rating on here (an average out of an astonishing 35 votes, well, count in my 2/10 and that makes 36), the leading guy, our hero of the movie, only managed to pop up in one episode from "The Dukes Of Hazard" after this feature film, and the director just stopped making films altogether. All these random facts form an irrefutable warrant that when and if you ever stumble upon the amazing "Sloane" (1984), you better damn well realize that you are holding a piece of fried gold in your hands.

"Sloane" stars action superstar Robert Resnick (the most famous guy you've never ever even heard of) on his way to the Philippines to save some chick from, uhm, bad Philippino guys. The film starts with a home invasion scene vaguely reminiscing the first two "Death Wish" films (with Charles Bronson of course, though I doubt he'd be a match for Robert Resnick in a showdown). All the rest of the film has action superstar Resnick - I mean, the amazing Sloane! - running and driving around looking for the kidnapped girl. A purpose or mission he (along with the viewer) keeps forgetting about, as he gets involved in all sorts of distracting situations. Yes, that also involves a 'love interest' that he gets to have sex with later on in the movie.

In case it's not seeping through already, "Sloane" is extremely dumb & idiotic and plain wrong, wrong, wrong. True gutter-cinema. And exaggeratedly macho and not really women-friendly to boot (but Sloane never looses his shirt during action sequences, a quite baffling detail I might add). It features a great deal of violence like fistfights, shooting people and blowing things up, cutting bad guys up with broken bottles, one guy gets his face mangled to pulp underneath the hood of a car with the motor running (sorry folks, it's not all that spectacular), some more excessive shooting but this time just wildly at random without hitting anything (I think at one point some bad guys got bored outside and started shooting rabbits, but we never get to see this - you can hear them, though), Sloane biting off the head of a snake during a car chase sequence (yes, you have to really see it before you can believe it), dropping bombs out of a helicopter on Philippinos (no, that's not some metaphor for going to the toilet) and yes, of course, there's naked tits left and right too. There's also some dumb bits of humor. Couldn't quite figure out which was intended and what else wasn't.

And one of the most incomprehensible things of this flick, happens during the final act... At one point Sloane enters a cave while trying to escape those damned Philippinos with machine guns, and then all of the sudden it feels like you've entered an 80's Italian jungle movie. It's a genuine 'scratch your head' part, I tell you. And the ending is a hoot too! Just watch what Sloane means by "still have to take care of a couple things"...

I wonder why this film never got a sequel...? Oh yes, that's right, everyone involved with it stopped making movies afterwards.

So there you have it. Strongly recommended if you've liked other amazing pieces of action cinema like "Deadly Prey" (featuring a similar blonde action hero, though no match for Sloane of course), "Black Cobra 3: The Manila Connection" (starring Fred Williamson, who again is no match for Sloane, of course) and "White Fire" (Robert Ginty vs. Sloane? Pfff, are you kidding me?).

Screw this, I'm rating this 10/10. Sloane's the man. He has a dim-witted face, talks like a castrated moron, is extremely unpleasant company to have around... and still he gets all the women. He gets the remaining 8 points as a bonus for that one.