Metalstorm

This is another one of those very first movies I ever rented as a kid. It was childish love at first site. Watched it numerous times back then. Is it actually a good movie? I think I'll just plead the 5th on that one.

Having just re-watched it, I'll just say right away: METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN is a blast and offers lots of (unintentional) laughs. Just throw the following elements into a blender: Post-Apocalyptic (vehicles & mutants), STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI (speed-bikers), western (showdown), Swords & Sorcery (quest, fights, and sock-puppet sand-creatures), fantasy (magical crystals and other nonsense), cyborg (or a dude basically enhanced by various metal-parts, including an extendable metal grab-claw arm that spits toxic LSD) and psychedelia (warped gateways into other dimensions). Plus, Tim Thomerson and Richard Moll are in it. This simply is a wonderful film.

Well yes, I'm biased when it comes to early Charles Band outings. This isn't really a good movie (Damn, I did say it, didn't I?), but it's very enjoyable, cheesy & nonsensical stuff. All things I listed up here really are featured in this film, albeit not exactly in quality incarnations, if you know what I mean. And the special effects are dated and look silly sometimes, but there's enough of those in the film to keep you amused. Compared to other early Charles Band films, METALSTORM definitely is a bit crazier and more action-packed than PARASITE (the "good" film) and THE ALCHEMIST (the "lesser" film) and would - in my humble opinion - make a perfect double feature with THE DUNGEONMASTER (aka RAGEWAR), together making up for a super-duper special effects extravaganza night fest. And if you can't get with that, you're a bit of a sourpuss, I'm afraid.

Good, bad, stupid, fun? Who cares! These films were made with enthusiasm. The kind that rubs off. At least on me it does. Blame my rating on nostalgia.

Don't know why, but in the '80s, I watched this film around 17 times, and when in Hollywood, went to the Band brothers' office to tell them they had made a cult masterpiece. They seemed really surprised that anyone liked it. After watching it several times (which you feel compelled to do for some strange reason), you start to get sucked into believing that somehow the film contains some kind of secret. The problem is that I think I needed to watch it at least 17 more times to 'get' the secret, but I could no longer find the film anywhere. Now I'm an adult, with kids, and they have carefully explained to me that I know nothing about films or hidden realities. So, either I'm an idiot for having wasted so much time watching Metal Storm so many times, or my kids should be forced to watch it 17 times so that they can reach the same level of knowledge as their mother.

...And I was in it! A friend was a prop person on this steaming pile, and I went out when they were shooting in the desert. It was a night shoot, and I spent a lot of time standing around watching setup and teardown. Then came the Epic Speech Of Jared Syn To His Troops. The director suddenly decides that there are not enough troops, and some flunky comes up and asks me if I want to be in the film. I tell him sure, and soon I'm standing in the back of a crowd with a piece of brown cloth over my shoulders like a poncho and a helmet on my head. And I stood there, and stood there and stood there. Being in the movie was as dull as watching it being made.

Then it came out!!! I had waited for months for "My" movie to come out. Was I ever disappointed! I knew it wasn't "Citizen Kane". But this wasn't even "Warlords of Atlantis"! All of my friends went from "you were in a movie???" to "You were in THAT???????"

Even though I was in it, it is still one of the lowest-rated films on my list. I do admit, however, that I have a warm spot in my heart for this piece of tripe.

Any time you want to just stare in mute amazement at what can be called a film, check it out.

Charles Band… yeah producer/director Charles Band and by that name you should know what you are going to get. Well unless it's your first taste, which if it is, 'Metalstorm' is probably not a great starting point. I wanted to like this one more, but by the end I was completely bored with only the saving grace being the performances of an amusing Tim Thomason (who definitely spiced things up) and Richard Moll dressed in make-up. This cheap b-grade post-apocalyptic Sci-fi fling wears its influences for everyone to see, but instills no personality. Aside from the western touches (and that standoff scene is actually well done), it was namely something out of 'Star Wars' and obviously 'Mad Max 2', which you could say Jeffery Byron's ranger character is easily patterned on Mel Gibson's leather-decked road warrior of those films. Nonetheless Bryon's stiff impression is no match. Also appearing with amount of interest is a very beautiful Kelly Preston, but she does quite little than titillate. Mike Preston as the head villain Jared-Syn left a lot to be desired, as I found him laughably nonsensical in a plastic sense.

Although why we watch these films is for some senselessly cheap fun and lousy exchanges. The latter was right on the mark with the dialogues, however sadly I found the junky action quite lackluster and sloppy with a poorly shot desert wasteland backdrop. It feels in slow-motion (and Brand even uses that technique at times), despite the (unfocused) story keeping things moving. It has its moments (probably just not enough even with the few tripped-out visuals) and the make-up of the fancy dressed mutants are decently executed. I couldn't say the same about the dodgy special effects, which really do come to the front at the end. Richard Band's score is a clunker of sorts.

I didn't find it to be completely awful by any stretch, but more so frustratingly drab and unfulfilled with only some minor flourishes and a chirpy Thomerson.

I saw this movie back in 83 when 3-d was making a comeback. I liked it a lot but I was young and it was 3-d. I've seen it a few times after that on HBO and still enjoyed it. I just recently got a 3-d dvd of the movie and I enjoyed it even more. Sure, it's crap but it's fun crap and I'm a sucker for 3-d movies. Watching this in 3-d in my own living room brought back memories. It's definately worth seeing in 3-d.