Tetas Mortais

Huge-breasted Crystal has a boyfriend who belongs to the mob, but doublecrosses his boss only to be killed by two hoods/buddies in said mob. Crystal overhears her boyfriend's death by phone and plans her revenge on the two murderers as she travels to Las Vegas and Miami to assault each of them with her very ample deadly weapons. Such is the basic premise of Deadly Weapons. Well, the film certainly is a one of a kind. I mean how many films feature as its main protagonist a woman with a 73 inch bust who becomes a breast-smothering vigilante. The film is directed by Doris Wishman and its is cheaply-made with little directorial flair and almost no acting(save the performance by porn star Harry Reems). The female lead is played by Chesty Morgan(in reality another very hard to write/pronounce Polish name), and she bounces her way through the film seeing how many different ways she can showcase her bust. She finds many ways. As films go, this is really nothing special except for its status as exploitative cinema or a cult film. It is worth a look for its oddity qualities. If anyone knows...let me know...but I believe the guy playing Crystal's boyfriend was the same man that played Mari's father in Last House on the Left. The names on IMDB are different but the two men are one and the same I believe.

After the mob kill her boyfriend for double-crossing them, Crystal (the jaw-dropping Lillian Wilczkowsky better known as Chesty Morgan) decides to take revenge via mammary suffocation. The flick also has porn legend Harry Reems. It has horrid acting and a weak plot line, but Lillian is a wonder to behold. She's not attractive in many senses of the word, but those over-grown elephantine melons of hers are hopelessly hypnotic. The film has kitsch enough to be one of Doris Wishman's best movies (Not saying that much, I know, but still) Followed by a sequel that was worse in EVERY single way.

My Grade: C+

Eye Candy: Chesty Morgon show's the biggest real breasts I've EVER seen as well as her tush, and Denise Purceli goes for a nude swim

When I was a young man out in the work force, I went with a couple of colleagues to see this flick. The theatre was about 15 feet wide, and I think the film must have been a 16 mm print. The floor was sticky. Besides 3 or 4 young fellows (us) the rest of the audience seemed to consist of much older men with rain coats.

When the movie got going, it was so preposterous that we just couldn't keep from laughing our you-know-whats off. Well, that didn't go over too well with the others: We were repeatedly shushed and told to pipe down, so they could enjoy the show. Interrupted their concentrations, no doubt. It was really too preposterous to be sexy.

On the way out after the movie, there was a jar of "Chesty Morgan matchbooks" in a bowl, and I took one. ( No, her picture didn't wrap around to the back.) Many years later, at home, the lights went out in a thunderstorm. But I happened to remember that the Chesty book of matches was nearby, and I was able to find it, light one, and see my way out of the room. Thank you, Chesty!

Directed by Doris Wishman, who started her career in the business of "Nudie Cuties", such as Nude on the Moon (1961) and Diary of a Nudist (also 1961). These were innocuous attempts at getting tits and ass on the screen, in the shape of the nudist camp. She did eventually move into the sexploitation genre, and made two films with the Polish-born exotic dancer, Chesty Morgan (credited on this first collaboration as Zsa Zsa). They consequently made another, released the same year, Double Agent 73. Now, what Chesty Morgan inevitably offers, is incredibly over-sized (yet very much real) bosom. In fact, many of the moments in this film are spent simply gazing at the unattractively massive mamories, as Chesty holds them, moves them, and generally turns them into a very visual form of baking preparation!

This aside, the film does have a semblance of a story. Crystal (Morgan), has had a promise from her partner, Larry (Richard Towers), of marriage. Unfortunately he is mixing with some unsavoury business elements. Headed by an unknown, unseen boss, two thugs, Tony (played by Harry Reems, legend of Deep Throat (1972) fame), and Nick (Saul Meth), are ordered to kill Larry as he holds some valuable information. As Crystal discovers who killed Larry, she decides to find the killers and get revenge. After becoming a stripper (cue various random scenes of boob movements), she kills Tony and Nick using her weapons of choice - her tits of course!

Now obviously this film had an overall spectacle that would have pulled some people in, and this is of course the circus-sideshow that is Chesty Morgan, and her repulsively humongous bazookas. This novelty is pretty much all the film has. It does attempt a poor twist ending, but this feels more like an episode of Ironside (1967 - 1975), or any other crime/mystery television shows of the time. And apart from the sex and nudity, the entire film could have been a plot for TV. The is one bizarre scene which humoured me. Chesty looks out of a window in deep thought, the camera pans down to gaze at her tits, the image of a memory of a swimming pool scene with Larry is superimposed on them. It's almost as if these memories are in fact those of her tits!

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****SPOILERS**** A story of murder and revenge staring the busty Chesty Morgan as stripper Crystal Zsa Zsa who's unusual psychical attributes make it difficult for her stand up or walk straight without tipping over. It's when Crystal's gangster boyfriend Larry, Richard Towers, is interrupted while saying sweet nothings into her ear vis the telephone that he's gunned down by two of his colleagues Tony Barler, Harry "The Reemer" Reems, and Captian Hook, Mitchell Fredericks. The trouble for them is that they forgot to put the phone back on the hook where they, with Crystal listening in, ended up not only incriminating but identifying themselves in Larry's killers!

Determined to make them pay for what they did Crystal plans to do the two creeps in with her deadly arsenal of double barreled Winchesters 73's that she plans to use on them. Getting a job as a stripper in a Las Vagas casino Crystal in promising Captain Hook, one of her biggest admirers, a good time get's him good and stoned in her hotel room as she ends up suffocating him to death with her massive 73's. Tracking down Barler at a Miami hotel Crystal has a much difficult time in getting him alone and smothering him to dead in that Barler's jealous and possessive girlfriend Eve, Denise Purcell, is in the way. With Eve spilling the beans in knowing that Barler murdered Larry he ends up doing her in with his neck-tie as well. Not realizing that it opened the door for Crystal, whom he made a play for, to have her chance to get a crack or squeeze on him!

****SPOILERS**** Were in for a big surprise at the end of the movie when it turns out that Crystal's meek and flower loving and sniffing dad, Phillip Stahl, was the person who, in Larry holding out on him, ordered the hit on Larry! Only worth watching for what the movie is advertised for in highlighting her-Chesty Morgan- physical statistics. As them being the eight as well as all the other seven wonders of the world all rolled into one; Or is it two?