Tetas Mortais

Huge-breasted Crystal has a boyfriend who belongs to the mob, but doublecrosses his boss only to be killed by two hoods/buddies in said mob. Crystal overhears her boyfriend's death by phone and plans her revenge on the two murderers as she travels to Las Vegas and Miami to assault each of them with her very ample deadly weapons. Such is the basic premise of Deadly Weapons. Well, the film certainly is a one of a kind. I mean how many films feature as its main protagonist a woman with a 73 inch bust who becomes a breast-smothering vigilante. The film is directed by Doris Wishman and its is cheaply-made with little directorial flair and almost no acting(save the performance by porn star Harry Reems). The female lead is played by Chesty Morgan(in reality another very hard to write/pronounce Polish name), and she bounces her way through the film seeing how many different ways she can showcase her bust. She finds many ways. As films go, this is really nothing special except for its status as exploitative cinema or a cult film. It is worth a look for its oddity qualities. If anyone knows...let me know...but I believe the guy playing Crystal's boyfriend was the same man that played Mari's father in Last House on the Left. The names on IMDB are different but the two men are one and the same I believe.

Directed by Doris Wishman, who started her career in the business of "Nudie Cuties", such as Nude on the Moon (1961) and Diary of a Nudist (also 1961). These were innocuous attempts at getting tits and ass on the screen, in the shape of the nudist camp. She did eventually move into the sexploitation genre, and made two films with the Polish-born exotic dancer, Chesty Morgan (credited on this first collaboration as Zsa Zsa). They consequently made another, released the same year, Double Agent 73. Now, what Chesty Morgan inevitably offers, is incredibly over-sized (yet very much real) bosom. In fact, many of the moments in this film are spent simply gazing at the unattractively massive mamories, as Chesty holds them, moves them, and generally turns them into a very visual form of baking preparation!

This aside, the film does have a semblance of a story. Crystal (Morgan), has had a promise from her partner, Larry (Richard Towers), of marriage. Unfortunately he is mixing with some unsavoury business elements. Headed by an unknown, unseen boss, two thugs, Tony (played by Harry Reems, legend of Deep Throat (1972) fame), and Nick (Saul Meth), are ordered to kill Larry as he holds some valuable information. As Crystal discovers who killed Larry, she decides to find the killers and get revenge. After becoming a stripper (cue various random scenes of boob movements), she kills Tony and Nick using her weapons of choice - her tits of course!

Now obviously this film had an overall spectacle that would have pulled some people in, and this is of course the circus-sideshow that is Chesty Morgan, and her repulsively humongous bazookas. This novelty is pretty much all the film has. It does attempt a poor twist ending, but this feels more like an episode of Ironside (1967 - 1975), or any other crime/mystery television shows of the time. And apart from the sex and nudity, the entire film could have been a plot for TV. The is one bizarre scene which humoured me. Chesty looks out of a window in deep thought, the camera pans down to gaze at her tits, the image of a memory of a swimming pool scene with Larry is superimposed on them. It's almost as if these memories are in fact those of her tits!

www.the-wrath-of-blog.blogspot.com

After the mob hits a guy with a list, one of the hoods (Richard Towers) keeps the list for himself to blackmail the people on it. When the mobsters find out he is a double-crosser, they off him, which angers his busty girlfriend (Chesty Morgan). She goes after them using the only two weapons she has.

Now, you have Richard Towers ("Last House of the Left") and you have Harry Reems ("Deep Throat"). And Reems has one of the greatest mustaches I have ever seen... so this alone should sell you. But then you have Chesty Morgan. She cannot act, she cannot talk (all her lines are dubbed), and her "talent" is more of a freak show than anything you would actually choose to see... which is perfect for a film released by Something Weird.

As others have said, this is the very definition of a "cult" film. It is certainly not good in any traditional sense, but it has a very odd quality about it that might be enjoyable if you are into strange films. That is all this can be called -- a strange film. It is not sexy, it is not well-written, the directing is adequate but nothing more. Acting is poor. It is just weird.

Cheap Mafia movies are a dime a dozen, right? Not when your heroine is Chesty Morgan, the Polish peeler with proportions preposterous enough to give Russ Meyer pause. Billed as Zsa Zsa (as in "The Zsa Zsa Gabor of Burlesk"), she smothers any of the viewer's misconceptions during the title sequence. As the credits roll and the great theme song blasts, we see the jiggling title artillery distorted (okay--more so) in a series of convex mirrors. Please note that this film is not erotic in the least. Rather it is one of the most unintentionally hilarious pieces of dementia ever to hit the screen!

The amazingly ridiculous plot finds Chesty is Crystal, a "Hard Selling Woman" who is deeply in love and wants to get married. Unfortunately, her gangster boyfriend is rubbed out by his associates after a backfired double-cross. Hell hath no fury like a monstrously huge-breasted woman scorned, and Crystal takes it upon herself to dish out retribution. How? With her gargantuan just-over-six-foot bazookas, of course! Clad in pantyhose and girdle, she raises her arms--cue the thunderous crash of bowling pins--and closes in for the kill! As you may guess, sense is not the movie's strong point. But who watches Doris Wishman movie expecting sense?

Chesty comes off as a complete boob, with her clunky, elephantine breasts as her only assets. Sporting a (supposedly self-supplied) platinum shag wig and a hideous ruffled wardrobe, she lumbers around on mile-high platform shoes, staring blankly at her gaudy surroundings. She does two striptease acts, which consist of her walking around a bit, losing her top, and manhandling those frightening things. Throughout the course of the film, she looks and acts like someone just dragged her out of bed.

Still, despite her awesome inability to act, Miss Morgan has an undeniable screen presence and is consistently fascinating to watch. She and Wishman have created a style of what, in other hands, might be considered simple ineptitude. Everything about the film is so delightfully, wonderfully tacky and ridiculous that you can't look away. It's as if Chesty herself is merely the pinnacle of the greater camp aesthetic. The final dollop of Cool Whip is that THIS WAS INTENDED IN ALL SERIOUSNESS! See it now!

This movie is a must for what some of us call "le bad" cinema. The idea is great, a woman with unbelievably huge breasts goes on a killing spree to avenge her husbands death. Of course the acting is awful, the writing leaves a lot to be desired, and the plot is over-done, but how often do you get to see a man smothered to death with enormous breasts?