Sand Sharks

Hahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha (choke!) (gag) (wheeze) hahahaha hahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahaha ((Stops for a moment to wipe a tear from his eye)) Hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha (gasp!) (chuckle) (gip!)

(((takes a few deep breaths to calm his hysterics)))

I've just finished watching this film and it's a hoot! There's really not much more I can say about this unbelievably awful film. The acting, the script (what there is of one) the props, the special (hahahaha) effects (they have to be seen to be believed, I honestly haven't laughed this much in years) everything is so bad it's hilarious. One line in the film is a parody from Jaws but instead of "smile you son of a bitch" so heroically belted out by the great Roy Scheider, this donk yells out "smile you SAND of a bitch" (No seriously, this really is in the film I ain't kidding) We're talking reaching the bottom of the barrel here, breaking through the bottom and digging down until you can't dig anymore and then pitching a pile of dynamite at the end just to go that few feet lower. This film is THAT bad. A 2.6 rating on here? Most of the votes pushing this up have got to be joke votes or the director and casts families, this deserves to be lower than a 1.0 for sure "One more time for the road...Hahahahahahahaha

Seriously, this is quite possibly the worst film I have ever seen. Really poor B-movies from the '60s rank higher than this abomination.

I implore anyone reading this before seeing the film to instead, pop down to a DIY store, buy a can of paint. Find a wall in your home that needs some attention, paint said wall, pull up a chair and watch it dry. It's a much better use of an hour and a half! Some positive feedback on the film, there's a couple of stunning ladies cast, pity that their dialogue is written, presumably by an illiterate horse (sorry, I think that's a bit tough on horses).

The location setting is o.k. The script, plot, acting, concept, visual effects and directing though is woeful. One for the Razzies!

Damn. I remember when the Scifi channel was a great channel. Battlestar Galactica. Caprica. Classic sf movies. Twilight zone (ok, they still show that). then NBC took over and the channel went down hill, linking up with those losers at The Asylum, where they should all be committed, and showing absolute garbage like this. This crap makes stuff by Shyamalan look good. I'm not even kidding here. Bad acting. Bad SFX, bad story. Bad everything. And then some idiot will say, "Oh it's a homage to the great B's of the past." Ha. These aren't even as good as the trailers of B's of the past. They should all go to Corman school and learn how to do things on a budget. I'm swearing off the formerly known as the scifi channel forever.

No seriously, what did I watch???

I didn't know whether to cry or laugh at the stupidity throughout the movie.

Sure the CGI isn't great, and the idea of sand sharks itself isn't exactly a genius' work, but that didn't really disturb me. I think the over and under the top acting was the worst part, additionally, whoever took part in writing the script should be shot. I've seen pornos or "romantic dramas" from 1995 with better scripts... (reference:"I like to play games").

I guess I would watch this movie again if friends came over and we would all get really really really high while watching the movie, then I would say it's an amazing comedy.

Sand Sharks (2012)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

JAWS meets TREMORS in this silly, straight-to-DVD creature feature that lacks any real bite. A small town discovers that there is a deadly shark swimming through the sand but they're able to destroy it before a bunch of college kids show up for a beach party. As you'd guess, it turns out that the shark was just a baby and soon its mother shows up. If you're looking for some sort of classic then it's best to stick with one of the films mentioned before. If you're looking for a really cheap, really silly movie then SAND SHARKS might just be for you. When you go into a movie like this quality isn't what you should be looking for but instead you can just hope for some "so bad it's good" moments and this film offers plenty of those. I must admit that there were several times where I found myself laughing extremely loud at what's going on in this thing. The first glimpses of the sharks swimming around in the sand were rather hilarious and there are other bits of comedy here that works. One such example is a scene where a woman gets bitten in two and the guy with her tries to save her life by attaching her guts together. The film certainly shouldn't be taken too serious as there are so many logical problems here. With that said, what really kills this movie is the fact that it clocks in at a way-too-long 90-minutes. Remember when movies like this clocked in less than 70-minutes? I guess the films of today must clock in at 90-minutes for television but it's really too bad because if you took out the boring personal drama crap then you'd be left with a fun monster movie. Believe it or not but the performances are actually above average for this type of thing and it appears that Brooke Hogan took some acting classes as her work here is much better than we saw in 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK. I'm a little surprised that the producers didn't get into some trouble because there are several scenes that rip-off JAWS and the heads of the monsters also rip off the ones in TREMORS. This film here isn't nearly in the same league as those two classics but with dialogue like "We're stuck between a rock and a shark place," you can at least have a laugh.