Giochi erotici nella terza galassia

ESCAPE FROM GALAXY 3 is yet another uproarious STAR WARS clone from Italy. With its disco-fueled sensibilities and ultra-fab costumes, this is why God created cinema!

It seems that intergalactic meanie, Oraclon (Don Powell) is up to no good, causing havoc and astonishingly bad "special" effects! Now, only one explosion after another can possibly stop him!

Cue the continual, generic disco music.

The wonderful thing about these epics is that they don't have to make any sense. At all. Just watching Oraclon in his flower-like, aqua / pink outfit and glitter-beard is enough to satisfy any fan of these films.

Enter Belle Star (Sherry Buchanan) in her dancing queen pantsuit, complete with a missing pant leg! As a bonus, her suit is also missing one upper side, compensated by a strategically-placed breast star!

This movie even has a Marjoe Gortner lookalike, wearing the latest in spandex ballet uniforms! Annnd, don't forget the entire civilization of men in miniskirts!

This is entertainment sent straight from the gods!

The quotable lines of dreadful dialogue are nonstop! The soft-soft core "love" scenes are painful! The endless dancing will twirl your brain in your skull!

WARNING: If you are sickened by the sight of pasty man-legs, stay away! This will only be traumatic for you!...

"Star Crash 2" is one of the most hilarious trash flicks I've ever seen. Even the evil tyrant wears a colorful costume with lightnings painted on the legs (instead of black like a proper tyrant), because he knows it's all just fun. The first ten minutes with the epic space battle are looking like a party for New Year's Eve. The hero says: "We have to use plan Y" which basically means "run and hide", I guess. During their escape, they discover the planet Earth which is full of strange things ("Water? Don't touch it, it could be dangerous") and very stupid inhabitants who can't decide whether to love the visitors or hate them. After the first 10 minutes it becomes less spectacular; too much running around in the forest of Earth. But it was ridiculous enough to be of one of those flicks which are so terribly bad you can actually enjoy them.

In the early 1980s, i.e. after the huge success of "Star Wars", many producers thought the public would love anything (anything!) with space-ships in it. Otherwise you can't explain movies such as "Galaxina", "Galaxy" (aka "Galaxy Destroyer") or said "Star Crash 2". Director Ben Norman is Adalberto Albertini who also shot "Black Emanuelle" (as Albert Thomas).

Italians have been notorious for churning out lots of bad sci-fi films in the late 70s in the wake of the success of STAR WARS. Who is this film supposed to appeal to? The special effects, costumes and dialog are childish and the sex scenes are so tame they could probably get a PG-rating in this country. Two aliens on a spaceship land on primitive Earth and learn how to have sex, while they're being chased by a big black dude with silver glitter in his beard. I fell asleep for awhile in the middle but I doubt I missed much.

It's kind of a Sci-Fi that bogs down and never really recovers. Sherry Buchanan as Belle Star the Princess looks like she is ready to line up for the 800 meters in the Olympics. She is beautiful and in great shape while her leading man boyfriend Lithan played by Fausto Di Bella looks like a reserve forward on a "B" league soccer team. Fausto is not leading man material in any universe. The evil Oraclon, played with zeal by Don Powell, first blows up Bells Father the King, which has no effect on Belle strangely, and sets out to run Belle and Fausto down in his fast spaceship . He finally catches up to them on earth where they have passed the time by watching stupid dance routines and learning how to "get it on" from the brain dead earthlings. The movie continues to just keeps getting worse from there. Watching skinny Fausto play soccer would have been better then this movie, and I hate soccer.

OK so this movie isn't the greatest, but it's still far from uninteresting. The only real connection it has to Luigi Cozzi's superior STAR CRASH is the use of certain special effects shots. They appear to use some of the same models & spacecraft, which would of course be cheaper than building new ones for this film, or better yet just recycle the same footage. Nobody will notice.

Most movies are about two or three things. First there is the story or plot -- this time out two mis-matched intergalactic lovers land on a planet populated by castoffs from "Buck Rogers In The 25th Century" and discover sex. This includes an eye-opening scene where the film's heroine/lead actress goes for a naked swim in some sort of erotic oasis. I say "eye opening" not just because she is a delightful little morsel, but because the content of the scene is so at odds with the form that the movie takes: It looks to have been made for kids, but has tits. Huh.

And that is the second thing that this movie is about: Mixing low octane erotics with Star Wars inspired (or maybe FLASH GORDON would be more likely considering Don Powell's Parliament/Funkadelic Space Tyrant costume: wow!!) juvenalia. It's an exploitation film taking on the appearance of a science fiction adventure to lure in the kids, plus some bared flesh -- kept to a minimum, just a tad beyond the tease level -- to keep their parents occupied. The film is also equal opportunity in parading about a little space strumpet for the guys to ogle as well as an astronomical Adonis for the ladies to swoon over. Or vice versa: you never can tell about some people these days.

The third thing this movie appears to be about is how the European cult genre film craze -- dating back to the Gladiator movies that much of the film resembles -- had pretty much worn itself out by 1981. The Italians always were the most imitative of the Euro filmmakers and by the time STAR CRASH 2 was made they were imitating their own forms. Like FLASH GORDON and YOR, HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE this is essentially an updated Peplum saga with laser guns instead of javelins, and illustrates how by 1981 Italian B cinema was finally forced to find it's own voice after stuff like this stopped working at the box office.

The Italians went from Peplums to Gothic horror to spy thrillers to Spaghetti Westerns to war movies to Gothic horror to crime thrillers to car racing movies to Star Wars ripoffs and then back to the horror genre again for the 3rd wave of Fulci, Argento, Lamberto Bava and Joe D'amato. STAR CRASH 2 was directed by the occasionally brilliant Bitto Albertini, who participated in all of those prior genres and was on the tail-end of his career, and while this certainly isn't his best film his name is the big draw here: Bert Albertino movies are rather hard to come by, but unlike his ZAMBO or THREE SUPERMEN films there isn't much to recommend this one, aside from the kitschy 80's sci fi production design and the sex.

I happen to like kitschy 80's sci fi production design and sex so I got a kick out of this one. You certainly won't find the likes of it made today, and for fans of the Alfonso Brescia Star Wars ripoff school of film-making this movie will be a welcomed addition. Anyone else be forewarned though: There be Italians in disco robes dancing in this movie, and unless you are used to stuff like that you will probably find it to be somewhat silly, and maybe even a little on the erotic side. Welcome to Italian cult genre film-making, we hope you enjoy your flight.

5/10