Samurai Cop

After I finished watching Samurai Cop, I sat in silent disbelief for a few moments not really knowing what to think. I decided that I had either just watched one of the absolutely worst movies ever made or I had watched a piece of satirical brilliance that my puny mind couldn't fully comprehend. After doing a little research, I realize that my first notion was correct - it's bad. However, as bad as Samurai Cop is, that doesn't change the fact that I was entertained. If you do an internet search for a movie that's "so bad, it's good" (God, do I hate that phrase), a picture of Samurai Cop should immediately pop-up on your screen. It is the embodiment of what a "so bad, it's good" movie is.

So just how bad is Samurai Cop? Everything about the movie shows a level indescribable incompetence. Technically, the movie is a train wreck. The direction is horrible, there is a complete lack of continuity, my 5 year-old could have done better with the sound editing and effects, lighting is literally non-existent, and visual effects are incredibly poor. Artistically, the movie isn't any better. Sets, costuming, music, and make-up are all bargain basement. As for the acting - when Robert Z'Dar stands head-and- shoulders above the other actors talent-wise, that speaks volumes about the quality of the acting. I won't go into the full backstory of how the movie was made, but it does explain a lot and is worth reading for a laugh or two.

I haven't even mentioned the plot because it really doesn't matter. It has something to do with a Japanese gang that controls the drug trade in Los Angeles and the police that are trying to put them out of business. In reality, the plot is about a gang of bad guys and the cops that routinely shoot them. That's about it. With a name like Samurai Cop, I expected to see some martial arts type action with a lot of hand-to-hand fighting. But alas, this Samurai Cop and his trigger happy partner are much more at home shooting the baddies. The one or two actual fight scenes are (as you probably could guess by now) poorly choreographed messes.

As bad as it all is, the whole thing is just so funny it's hard not to find entertainment in what you're watching. For example, there a scene where Samurai Cop and his trigger happy partner go visit a burn victim to get some information. This man is wrapped head-to- toe in bleeding bandages. What does our hero do? Standing about four feet from the hospital bed, he hits up the nurse with some of the most inappropriate, cringe-worthy dialogue ever heard. It's literally laugh-out-loud funny. Another example of incompetent brilliance occurs when Robert Z'Dar's character, Yamashita (yes, Robert Z'Dar plays a character named Yamashita), throws a grenade that we inexplicably and hysterically hear explode twice. One grenade - two explosions. Funny stuff. And just when you think the movie has hit a low point and can't get any more absurd, somehow it does. Samurai Cop keeps giving.

Realistically, Samurai Cop is a complete disaster of a movie. If you rated it as a serious action film, you'd have to give it a 1/10. However, it is unintentionally one of the funnier movies I've seen in awhile. As a comedy piece, I'd rate it an 8/10. Averaging the two ratings together and rounding up, I'm giving Samurai Cop an overall 5/10. If you're into "bad" movies, this one is not to be missed.

It is so bad that I couldn't stop laughing the whole time while watching this. Acting was brutal, dialogue seems Cheesy, and a bit both racist and sexist. Story was filled with plot-holes and inconsistency. Most funniest scenes were the action sequences. I just kept LMAO when the action sequences were playing. Editing and cutting was awful. A single fight scene was taken in 3 different locations. On another scene, wig came off of the main character, and it was clearly visible. Color correction was bad. Screen was getting tinted with blue, purple and pink randomly. All the woman in this film seems like acting in a porn movie. They couldn't hold on to their pants for 5 minutes, after meeting with the main protagonist!!!! In every romantic scene, It felt like watching an Adult movie! Jokes were terrible and funny in the wrong way. Every film maker should watch this film to learn 'how a film shouldn't be made, ever'!

There are good films and there are bad films; and then there are bad films so bad they are actually good... and then there is 'Samurai Cop'. A film in a class of its own, standing tall like a giant, so high above other trashy cinema masterpieces that a regular movie watcher brain cannot even process all the nonsensical visual drivel he has just seen. The quality of this 'masterpiece' surpasses any expectations you might have about cheap-piece-of-juck-90s-'action'-nonsence and enters the realm of surreal. The fact that someone actually bothered to piece together this absurdity into a feature-length film is just mind blowing.

Words might fail while trying to adequately describe this phantasmagorical piece of cinematic perfection. You could write a lengthy article criticizing a terrible acting, editing or utterly ridiculous dialogues. Or the fact that the story is so much saturated with every cliche of 90s action cinema that it cannot be considered as an independent script but rather as an amalgamation of a dozen scrips borrowed from other films. Severe objectification of women and excessive voyeuristic nudity serving no purpose whatsoever might just leave you entirely speechless. And lets not dwell too much on the fact that the main character, supposedly expert in Japanese martial arts, couldn't even throw a decent round house kick, while ridiculous hand gestures he performs during various fights, make American Ninja look like a documentary quality depiction of Ninjutsu. Shot inconsistency, the main character switching from a wig to a real haircut multiple times throughout the film is just an icing on a cake.

Somehow all the critique you could master up about 'Samurai Cop' doesn't seem to make it justice. The overall result is so much worse than the sum of its negative parts that your brains just cannot rationally explain or perceive it. One thing couldn't be denied though, the film is entertaining as hell. And that's, after all, the main point of action cinema - to entertain. In that regard 'Samurai Cop' is truly a film in the class of its own.

Joe Marshall (goofy beefcake actor Matt Hannon) is a detective trained in the ways of the samurai, and together with his affable partner Frank Washington (Mark Frazer), he goes after the many goons and thugs working for big time Japanese mobster Mr. Fujiyama.

That's about it for plot in this knowingly cheesy, sloppy, and silly martial arts action movie mess, written and directed by Amir Shervan. Obviously he knew exactly what kind of movie he was making, and just had fun with it. Often, "Samurai Cop" offers plenty of bad movie charm, as it clunks along from one inept sequence to another. The acting is hilariously, endearingly dumb across the board, with Hannon as one majorly wooden hero. Frazer has many great facial reactions. The ladies present are delicious eye candy: Melissa Moore as horny cop Peggy, Jannis Farley as leading lady Jennifer, and Krista Lane as a henchwoman. Robert Z'Dar is great fun as Yamashita, the primary henchman.

Marshall dispenses with inept bad guys left, right and centre; ultimately, the movie isn't always terribly funny, and gets a little tiresome, but it's still amusing enough to make it pleasant if not uproarious fare. It could have used some better pacing, but still delivers enough laughs for those B cinema enthusiasts looking to have a night of bad movies and beers.

Six out of 10.

In SAMURAI COP, Asian gang members start yelling at each other, right away! One of them, named Yamashita (Robert Z'Dar), begins killing other gangsters, apparently due to his awesomely enormous beard.

Enter police officer Joe Marshall (Matt Hannon), who starts off wearing my mom's old 1970's wig, before miraculously sprouting hair of his own! A cocaine deal "goes down", leading to a chase, with the cops driving the MYSTERY MACHINE from Scooby Doo! Bad guys are slaughtered like the nameless extras they are, followed by imitation sex between Marshall and his cop / Barbie girlfriend.

Meanwhile, the Asian gangsters scream at each other again, making Yamashita appear sedate by contrast. Marshall and his partner, Frank Washington (Mark Frazer) question a bloody guy in a sheet, while near-mannequins chatter mindless dialogue. Yamashita executes sheet man. Can Marshall catch Yamashita, before the streets run reddish with dayglo blood?

More dimwit dialogue is spoken by semi-sentient fungi posing as "actors", while Hannon teeters between his hippie-haired, toilet cleaner-snorting, Clint Westwood persona, and his goggle-eyed, Rambo / hamster with rotting of the brain. Oh yeah, and does he ever score with the ladies!

The "action" in this bust-a-gut symphony of ineptitude is a schlock addicts dream! Every scene is a priceless, irredeemable collection of nonsense! Not even the full frontal, female nudity can detract or distract from the beautiful, cluster-galaxy of rubbish unfolding before us!

Every fight scene is a ballet of buffoonery! Parts that are supposed to induce tension, only produce uncontrollable laugh spasms! The all-too-frequent sex scenes are like watching trees rubbing against each other in a heavy wind!

Thankfully, Marshall's wig returns, becoming a sort of character in itself. Actually the wig, in addition to being the best actor in the film, adds suspense, since we never know just when it might show up next! The Yamashita beard is a close second, taking our attention away from the boom mic shadow, during a crucial scene. The finale pits the wig against the beard, in a knock down, drag out, sword-swinging grimace fest, featuring wet sandbag punches and more grunting than at a corporate pig farm!

Yes! This is cinema!...