Shanghai Surprise

Believe me this film is awful. Now I am a BIG Madonna fan and I have tried, out of duty, to watch and enjoy this film, but I can find no redeeming quality. The script is terrible, the direction is misguided, the acting dire...need I go on?

I didn't even get as far as enjoying it, I have never seen it all the way through. Sorry Madonna, but as I am sure you know, this is a stinker!

"Shanghai Surprise" is an idiotic, out-of-date, poorly-acted, campy action film that wants to be a romantic comedy. Madonna, in her second starring role, had about enough acting talent at this point as a doll. Unfortunately, the doll in this movie comes off looking better than she does.

Madonna, playing a missionary (!) nurse (!!) for a Shanghai mission, is in search of opium (!!!) for medicinal purposes (!!?!!) approaches Sean Penn, an American soldier-of-fortune type who happens to speak Chinese. Penn and Madonna, who were married at the time this film were made, are obviously uncomfortable with the material and do little to justify the film's existence. Penn mugs his way through and attempts to crach a few weak jokes, while Madonna stamps her foot and places her hands on her hips as she squeaks (yes, she squeaks, and you must hear it to believe it) in frustration.

The plot is absolutely ridiculous -- Madonna and Sean Penn chasing after a mysterious cargo of opium known as "Faraday's Flowers" (incidentally, the name of the book this movie is based on) must run from a Chinese gangster with porcelain hands, have a romantic interlude with an Imperial concubine, teach baseball skills to another Chinese gangster, and (boy, aren't we surprised) sleep together to seal a deal.

This movie, like "Mommie Dearest" or "Plan Nine From Outer Space" has immense camp value because it's so deliciously awful. Utterly predictable, insipid, and full of instantly forgettable lines, this movie is the equivalent of the yellow stuff they stick on your nachos at the movie theatres -- it's not really good enough to be real cheese, but it's much cheaper and tastes pretty much the same anyway. This movie isn't even cheesy enough to be cheesy.

Avoid "Shanghai Surprise" unless, like me, you like Madonna WAY too much or if you're just a fan of bad movies.

OK. So someone took an A-list actor and his famous singer/ part time kind of-sort of actress wife and decided that the movie would be carried on the weight of the names alone. Substitute "fiancee" for wife and one has Gigli.

But it is not- it is Shanghai Surprise, possibly the most ill-conceived movie of the 1980's (and yes, I have seen "Hobgoblins.")

This movie has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Ridiculous plot, painfully bad acting (Madonna as a missionary? She didn't buy it either, so she says her lines in a flat tone which just screams "get me out of this costume and get me my check"), cinematography worthy of an old episode of "Fantasy Island," lame ending.

If, by some chance, you stumble across a copy of this in an unused corner of your local video rental store, call your local hazardous waste disposal hotline- do not rent it.

But do not forget that this horror exists. Some people forgot- and thus "Gigli" was born.

I can't think of a single thing to recommend about this turgid load of old codswallop.

I can't even imagine who they thought this would appeal to.

Madonna can't act the film has zero intrigue, suspense, or involvement. Not a single character is engaging. The entire film can only be compared to a mild migraine that you can't wait to be over.

Back in the 1980s, "Shanghai Surprise" was a notorious stinker...a film EVERYONE seemed to hate. And, with a score of 3.1, it's obvious that even today many people hated the film....and with good reason.

The story is a confusing mess. A missionary girl (??) (Madonna) seeks the help of a ne'er do well (Sean Penn) to locate some jewels or opium (they never seem sure WHICH they are seeking) in China in 1937. All sorts of bad people try to kill them and along the way they take time to have sex (which is quite strange for a missionary who just met this guy).

So why did I hate the film? There were many reasons and the most obvious is Madonna. Her performance mostly consists of her shrieking and whining...to the point where you wonder who, if anyone, would find her character anything other than 100% annoying and hateful. It was much like her poor performance in "Swept Away"...but even worse and more grating. Second, the script was inept....with lots of story elements that simply didn't fit together...such as the missionary girl who boinks the hero AND spends much of the film trying to find opium. What sort of religious mission is this she's running? Our Lady of Perpetual Whining, perhaps?! Third, having the ultimate treasure being opium suggests the 'heroes' want to get rich by selling horribly dangerous drugs...which seems anything other than heroic....and so it's hard to like or care about them. Fourth, the direction was poor and many re-shoots SHOULD have been made (such as any time Madonna opened her mouth). Overall, a painful vanity project with several songs by, of all people, George Harrison! Odd and not enjoyable....just grating.