Vampire Hookers

Vampire Hookers is certainly a bad movie but that is part of its charm. If you are a fan of 70's T&A films, this one will should appeal to you. I first saw it at an old downtown theater that ran mostly B horror movies and soft core porn. That was many years ago so I guess something about this film impressed me as I have never quite forgotten it although some of the people in the cast would probably like to.

My main question is, what is John Carradine doing in this? I know he was at the end of a fine career (hey, the guy was in Stagecoach and The Grapes of Wrath for crying out loud) but Vampire Hookers?!? I can only guess that he either A. needed the money, B. wanted to help out a producer or director friend, or C. lost a bet in a poker game with this film's producer.

Take one word from group A (Ninja, Robo, Samurai, Vigilante, Zombie, Vampire, Alien, Cyborg, Barbarian) and one from group B (Cop, Princess, Assassins, Hookers, Warriors, Strikeforce, Muthaf***kers) and you'll have yourself a movie title that sounds awesome. Get Ciro H. Santiago to direct it, and it'll be crap.

Vampire Hookers, for example, has the potential to be a hugely entertaining piece of bloody, sexy schlock horror; in the hands of Santiago, though, the idea becomes a dreadfully unfunny camp comedy/horror full of juvenile humour (bumbling 'Abbot & Costello' type sailors; a flatulent vampire; lady-boy gags), embarrassing performances (poor old John Carradine as a poetry spouting vamp), and cheap props (styrofoam 'stone' blocks), but zero gore.

About the only thing Cirio does right is to cast three absolute stunners as his titular ladies of the night and get them naked a lot—although, somehow, he even manages to botch a scene in which the lusty bloodsucking babes tag-team a lucky sailor: torturously long and amazingly unerotic, it's hard to believe that anyone can make a three-on-one sex session seem so boring!

Oh man, this movie is worth watching just for the theme song!! If you are a collector of B horror movies or like to pop 'em late at night you must see this movie. Most John Carradine movies are bad and this is for sure no exception! This gem is complete with bad voice overs, bad acting and a Super Awesomely Bad orgy scene. This movie is pee your pants funny and it's one of the worst movies your little peepers will ever view. Seriously, this needs to go in any B Horror movie collection. Jeese, I can't believe they made this movie, but I'm glad they did. It's just too funny.

"Vampire Hookers" (1978) has been issued under a dizzying array of alternate titles, but apparently this was its only theatrical monicker. For his lone feature shot in the Philippines, 72-year-old John Carradine looks splendid in an immaculate white suit and sombrero, playing a vampire with the startlingly original name of Richmond Reed (his own birth name). Whether quoting Shakespeare, which he enjoyed doing all his life, or wondering if Walt Whitman was a vampire, Carradine never fails to pump some much needed life (pun intended) into the often tired proceedings. Of the three young beauties who bring their victims to Reed's hidden underground lair, former Playboy Playmate Lenka Novak is the only recognizable face, having done similar work as 'Linda Chambers' in 1977's "The Kentucky Fried Movie." The IMDb biography for Lenka Novak is skimpy on details, but it was apparently written by a dedicated fan, who did a good job encapsulating her numerous credits. Karen Stride went on to do only two more features, while Katie Dolan never made another film. Although not blessed with great acting skills, they are lovely to look at, despite only appearing topless, while the slow-motion sex is botched by director Cirio H.Santiago, who indulges far too much footage to the unfunny flatulence of Vic Diaz, whose servant character yearns to one day become a vampire himself (a pity he gets his wish). Carradine would go on to play Dracula one final time, in another 1978 comedy "Nocturna," a vanity film for star and producer Nai Bonet, admittedly a beautiful dancer who gyrates nicely for the camera. Only three more titles offered the veteran character actor top billing- "The Best of Sex and Violence," "The Scarecrow" (both 1981),and "Demented Death Farm Massacre...The Movie" (1986), from director Fred Olen Ray.

Vampire Hookers (1978)

** (out of 4)

A rather insane horror film from the Philippines has a couple sailors on leave when they notice a buddy taken to a cemetery by a hooker. When their buddy doesn't show back up they go out looking for him and discover a vampire pimp (John Carradine) and his three vampire hookers. This is a really stupid film that is pure exploitation but if you enjoy bad movies then there's enough here to keep you going. If the thought of a fair to poor movie scares you then it's best you stay away from this one. The movie is incredibly stupid on so many levels and that includes dialogue like "Coffins are for being laid to rest...not for being laid". You also have exploitation legend Vic Diaz playing a loser who wants to be a vampire but can't help farting inside his coffin, which keeps him from being able to sleep at night. The performances, as expected, are beyond bad and that includes the three hookers, although thankfully they do get naked. They get naked during a nearly ten-minute orgy scene, which has to be one of the worst ones ever filmed. Then we have Carradine who is once again playing a vampire and here we get to see him with fake plastic fangs. He appears to be having fun at the age of 72 so you can't blame him. The Philippines have delivered all sorts of strange exploitation films over the past few decades but none of nutty as this one here. It's certainly trash but just sit back and try to laugh. And don't forget to stay tuned during the closing credits to here the song "Vampire Hookers (They Suck More Than Blood)".