Vampire Hookers

Oh man, this movie is worth watching just for the theme song!! If you are a collector of B horror movies or like to pop 'em late at night you must see this movie. Most John Carradine movies are bad and this is for sure no exception! This gem is complete with bad voice overs, bad acting and a Super Awesomely Bad orgy scene. This movie is pee your pants funny and it's one of the worst movies your little peepers will ever view. Seriously, this needs to go in any B Horror movie collection. Jeese, I can't believe they made this movie, but I'm glad they did. It's just too funny.

"Vampire Hookers" (1978) has been issued under a dizzying array of alternate titles, but apparently this was its only theatrical monicker. For his lone feature shot in the Philippines, 72-year-old John Carradine looks splendid in an immaculate white suit and sombrero, playing a vampire with the startlingly original name of Richmond Reed (his own birth name). Whether quoting Shakespeare, which he enjoyed doing all his life, or wondering if Walt Whitman was a vampire, Carradine never fails to pump some much needed life (pun intended) into the often tired proceedings. Of the three young beauties who bring their victims to Reed's hidden underground lair, former Playboy Playmate Lenka Novak is the only recognizable face, having done similar work as 'Linda Chambers' in 1977's "The Kentucky Fried Movie." The IMDb biography for Lenka Novak is skimpy on details, but it was apparently written by a dedicated fan, who did a good job encapsulating her numerous credits. Karen Stride went on to do only two more features, while Katie Dolan never made another film. Although not blessed with great acting skills, they are lovely to look at, despite only appearing topless, while the slow-motion sex is botched by director Cirio H.Santiago, who indulges far too much footage to the unfunny flatulence of Vic Diaz, whose servant character yearns to one day become a vampire himself (a pity he gets his wish). Carradine would go on to play Dracula one final time, in another 1978 comedy "Nocturna," a vanity film for star and producer Nai Bonet, admittedly a beautiful dancer who gyrates nicely for the camera. Only three more titles offered the veteran character actor top billing- "The Best of Sex and Violence," "The Scarecrow" (both 1981),and "Demented Death Farm Massacre...The Movie" (1986), from director Fred Olen Ray.

Vampire Hookers is certainly a bad movie but that is part of its charm. If you are a fan of 70's T&A films, this one will should appeal to you. I first saw it at an old downtown theater that ran mostly B horror movies and soft core porn. That was many years ago so I guess something about this film impressed me as I have never quite forgotten it although some of the people in the cast would probably like to.

My main question is, what is John Carradine doing in this? I know he was at the end of a fine career (hey, the guy was in Stagecoach and The Grapes of Wrath for crying out loud) but Vampire Hookers?!? I can only guess that he either A. needed the money, B. wanted to help out a producer or director friend, or C. lost a bet in a poker game with this film's producer.

Rating…3 / 5 Genre…Horror, Vampires, Comedy, Filipino Cinema Director…Cirio H. Santiago Stars…John Carradine, Bruce Fairbairn, Trey Wilson, Karen Stride, Lenka Novak, Katie Dolan, Lex Winter, Leo Martinez, Vic Diaz, Erna Martha Bauman Synopsis…Two sailors are on leave in a Filipino port well on their way to looking for love in all the wrong places. After a beer brawl separates them one finds himself in the clutches a bevy of fanged beauties. It seems that a poetry spouting vamp (poor John Carradine) has set up shop uses his Vampire Hookers to nab unsuspecting prey ala Dracula and his brides.

Thoughts…Vampire Hookers is far from the worst thing I've ever seen it's silly as all hell but it still entertains none-the-less. The two bumbling sailors were obviously graduates with honors from the Bruce Campbell School of Cinematic Snickers with the screen shenanigans peaking with a stinky, flatulent vampire. You really have to feel for John Carradine who has horrible lines but at least he had most of his scenes with title bloodsuckers ("'cause blood is not all they suck").

In Conclusion…It's crude. It's silly. You know you want to see it.

I haven't figured out yet whether "Vampire Hookers" is the most retarded movie of all times, but I can most certainly confirm already that it earned a spot in the top ten for sure. Basically this means that I cannot possibly reward it with a rating higher than 2 out of 10, but – and this is contrary to all genuine bad movies with a similar rating – I don't want the rating to discourage anyone from watching it! Quite the opposite, in fact, "Vampire Hookers" comes with my warmest recommendation in case you're an avid fan of cheap and sleazy 70s exploitation cinema. Why? Simply because it's pure brainless and unscrupulous entertainment with a non- existent plot, lunatic characters, infantile toilet humor and gratuitous sex; that's why! Cirio H. Santiago was the contemporary king of Filipino exploitation rubbish and here he even managed to cast John Carradine in a top-billing role. However, like in most of the films released during the last decade of his career, he only just stands around with a disinterested look on his face and whines his lines almost inaudibly. He depicts a sort of fancy white-suited vampire patriarch living underneath a graveyard in a Filipina coastal town, together with his three beautiful, luscious and voluptuous…err…brides! They have local slaves, aspiring vampires actually, that lure horny men to the graveyard so that they can feast on their bodies and blood. When their supervisor doesn't return after a wild night of fun, two worried Navy Sailors start their own investigation. The screenplay of this lousy but charming flick is full of bad jokes, but you'll laugh out loud anyway because the comical situations are so cheesy, inappropriate and misfit. The type of humor featuring in "Vampire Hookers" is probably best illustrated through the character of the exploitation regular Vic Diaz. He plays a fat and filthy henchman who farts continuously, and when he discovers he finally receives vampire fangs, he gets so ecstatic and jumpy that the walls of the entire underground lair come tumbling down. Also, and this is truly remarkable, Cirio H. Santiago proves with "Vampire Hookers" that even 10-minute sex orgies featuring three beautiful women can be overlong and boring; especially when they keep their panties on!