The Starfighters

Honestly, that's a line in the movie, if you can call this a movie. It's mostly stock footage of jets flying, landing, bombing, and roughly ten hours of refueling footage. The "plot" revolves around some leather-faced Air Force pilots training in new jets. That's it. Tedious doesn't come close to describing this film. Literally NOTHING happens. Nothing.Oh, and everyone in this movie has third degree sunburns and disturbingly lumpy faces. "Top Gun" it isn't. This is just a really bad movie. Be sure to look out for the Poopy Suit, a suit that somehow keeps you from drowning if you crash a jet into the ocean (not that that happens, because THAT would be interesting). The only way this is watchable is the Mystery Science Theater version, it's hilarious.

If you've ever seen this movie, you probably know what I'm talking about. In a short summary, it can easily be said that NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE!!! There's some refueling, some schmoozing amongst the officers, more refueling, officers swimming in a pool wearing "poopie suits", (I didn't make that up) still more refueling, and Robert Dornan (yes, the congressman). As they say in the MST3K Amazing Colossal Episode guide, I have no idea to whom this movie would appeal to. It was probably meant to be shown on various Air Force bases, but somehow it turned up on national TV in a particular episode of MST3K. This is one movie that never deserved to see the light of day. It is really bad, but if you really want to laugh at it, do not watch it without the presence of Mike and the 'bots.

This film probably gathered every piece of stock footage the US Air Force had to offer at the time. I think the producers thought "we have lots of cool stock footage. We don't need things like plot, character development, and the like." Sadly, this film will never amount to anything, just like the hero of the film, a son of a Congressman.

I can't figure out who this film was meant for. It can't be a training film. You learn that the F-104 needs frequent refueling and that it can make mincemeat out of large, white rectangles, but that's as much technical information as you'll get. It isn't a gripping family drama, though there are a lot of scenes where Bob Dornan's father, Congressman Liberace, rings up his son and his commander to diss their fighter jets (it could have used a sort of, kind of Jazz Singer moment where the Congressman hears his son is flying jets instead of bombers, rips his clothes, and proclaims he has no son. That would have been something anyway). As for the romance...well, lets just say that the midair refueling scenes deliver more raw eroticism than any of these drunk, speed freaked pilots who troll the bars to pick up vapid Iowa chicks for nights of wild snuggling. My current theory is that this movie was some kind of commercial for the F-104 and the Tactical Air Command, though I'm still not sure who they're trying to sell it to (Congressmen? Pilots? The General Public?). With ads like this one, I'm surprised the Air Force doesn't have to hold bake sales to buy its bombers.

Bob likes to fly jet fighters. His father the general thinks that Bob should fly bombers instead. But Bob just wants to fly fighters. Meanwhile, an Iowa farm-girl sets Bob's loins aflame with her lusty descriptions of detasseling corn in the summer, and they fall in love because "you are so the only person of the opposite sex around here." Dekalb Debbie promises to wait for Bob, and he ships out to Europe. Take out all the refueling and training footage, and there you have "Starfighters".

My own particular theory about "Starfighters" is that it was a vanity production for Bob Dornan. But no one could be bothered to write an actual screenplay for this vanity production. And there was only room in the budget for 20 minutes of actual filming. So they made a little mini-feature called "Bob Dornan, Boy Fighter Pilot", which consisted of nothing but set shots of Bob and his buddies standing around jawing about how cool jet fighters are and how much they like to fly them (and of course, how great Bob is at flying fighters).

And then Bob (or someone) called in some favors, and several film editors on angel dust were forced to sit around for a couple weeks and assembled all the available stock footage about refueling and Air Force training exercises that ever existed. They then spliced in the 20 minutes of "Bob Dornan, Boy Fighter Pilot", and hoped for the best. Or at least, hoped not to be later tried as war criminals.

There could be a "real" movie in there about a young fighter pilot's coming of age and learning the tricks of the trade. In fact, there have been several ("Top Gun", anyone?). This also could have been a pretty fascinating documentary on the same subject.But "Starfighters" isn't either of those things. In fact, I can't can't even tell you what it is, aside from an exercise in tedium and padding.

In any case, "Starfighters" is horrible, but in a harmless, benign way. I suppose the best use for it would be as 'video wallpaper', the kind of movie that plays on the TV in the background of a REAL movie. Mystery Science Theater had a good go at this, and their coverage is reasonably amusing, but it's rough going even with their company. Watch "Starfighters" only if you are in a REALLY weird mood indeed. What mood would that be? You'll know when you have it....words can't describe it.