The Wickeds

Now, let me begin by saying that i love cheap horror movies. Can't get enough of 'em. I adore "Plan 9 from Outer Space". I loved "Chopping Mall" and "I Dismember Mama". But this... abomination...

Shot on camcorder in a local graveyard and what seems to be someone's garden shed standing in for the requisite "Evil Dead" shack, this stars (and i use the word advisedly) porno legend Ron Jeremy and the local amateur dramatics society. When the Hedgehog of Sex puts in a movie's best performance, things ain't looking good.

Anyhow, the plot - such as it is - involves two cretinous gravediggers stealing an amulet from the body of a magician / vampire, who promptly rises from the grave to retrieve his filched property, and conjures a horde of zombies from the surrounding graves to help him besiege a shed full of dozy students in which said gravedigging thieves have taken refuge. Leaving aside the question of how a vampire summons zombies, what follows is some of the most inept stuff committed to film. The girl who is spuriously "possessed", gaining spooky eyes DRAWN ONTO HER EYELIDS had me paralysed with laughter rather than fear.

Worth viewing only for the hot brunette chick (Kelly Roth) and the awe-inspiring stunt sequence where a guy hangs and drops a whole 3 feet onto some straw. They even play it in slow motion for maximum devastating effect. This film may well be toxic: do not approach.

All I have to say is that this movie is THE BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP EVER!!!!! All that needs to be said is that Ron Jeremy is in this film, and its not supposed to be a porn... therefore in my mind the caliber of this film was already decided when they cast him. Not saying he made it a bad movie... what I'm saying is that he was probably the only reasonably "well known" actor they could get to star in this movie. The reasons being: 1)Awful script 2)Terrible acting and last but certainly not least 3)Horrendous cheesy graphics!! Now if you really feel the need to waste $4 at a blockbuster, this movie is a perfect waste. I am now dumber after sitting through this flea on the dog that is Hollywood!

A group of kids decide to spend Halloween at a house in the countryside being used as a set for a low budget horror film next to a large cemetery where two gravediggers bring the dead back to life by stealing a piece of jewelry from a corpse. Okay, time for the pros and cons. The pros: Ron Jeremy. The (former?) porn star was the best thing in this film. He was the only actor who seemed comfortable in front of the camera, and he seemed to be the only one who didn't take everything too seriously. As a result, he managed to give the film it's only enjoyable moments. The cons: Ron Jeremy is the best thing in the film. That should tell you everything you need to know about the rest of the indistinguishable actors and actresses who spend the entire movie screaming or yelling at each other. It became a bit of a headache, which was made even more infuriating because there is not a bit of common sense in the film, i.e., why did Jeremy and his friend run to the house rather than going to their own truck. Why everyone just doesn't get the other car going. Plus, does there have to be a ghost too? If you can't get the zombie thing down, don't even thing about doing ghosts. Geez, Louise. Enough already!

Truth be known, I sought this film out. I saw a trailer for it before "The Revolting Dead." I hated "The Revolting Dead," which had the same plot about grave robbers being tormented by the returning dead, but I thought this film had to be better. Oddly enough, this film was better than "The Revolting Dead" thanks mainly to Ron Jeremy. (One final note, without meaning to, I have just seen Ron Jeremy in three out of the last four horror movies I saw. I guess there must be a law requiring him to appear in every horror movie under a certain budget. This performance was the best of the three.)

Sometimes, we are simply out-smarted by distribution companies. I was wandering through the video store looking for some new horror to rent. I came across this little "**** nugget" and the cover screamed "Rent me!"... Now, I've seen a lot of bad horror films in my life, but this one is just wrong on SO many levels... It is completely mind boggling that some film production company payed actual money to have this thing made... There is nothing salvageable here, bad cinematography (if you could call it that), horrible acting, despicable script and the editing... You can actually see the cameraman in several scenes!

Again, I will take full blame for not reading the back cover. Had I done so, the name "Ron Jeremy" would have jumped out at me, and I would have looked around for creepy guys in trench-coats, thinking I was at the wrong video store...

This thing deserves no rating.

Okay, maybe it was obviously supposed to be a joke. But it's a really bad one. Shaun of the Dead and House of 1000 Corpses are send-ups of cheesy horror movies. This movie is an irredeemable piece of crap. It looks like some film-school dropout borrowed his dad's camcorder, provided some free beer for his friends, and drove out to an abandoned farmhouse to try to make a movie. The acting is horrific, the plot is non-existent, and the special effects look like something out of a Saturday Night Live sketch. They couldn't even get the makeup right. The zombies don't even look like zombies. They look like college kids dressed as zombies. I suspect when Ron Jeremy looks back on his career, he'll consider this film to be among his lowest moments. I appreciate bad horror films as much as anyone, but this monstrosity should be avoided at all costs.