Once Upon a Girl....

Mother Goose (Hal Smith) is arrested for disturbing the peace with her naughty stories; at her trial, she recounts several of her saucy tales to the judge, causing the occupants of the courtroom to become more and more sexually stimulated until, at last, they can contain their excitement no longer.

The success of Ralph Bakshi's Fritz the Cat (1972), the first animated film to receive an X-rating from the MPAA, kick-started a craze for animation full of adult humour and sex. Once Upon a Girl, which begins as live action but turns to animation to depict the amorous adventures of several fairy-tale characters, is about as risqué as it gets: Jack (he of the beanstalk) is depicted as a young pervert with a huge member, who shags a tree, goes at it with a gypsy woman, ejaculates on some magic beans, and clings on to the end of a giant's penis after hiding in the vagina of the big fella's wife; Prince Charming doesn't slip a glass slipper onto Cinderella's foot—he slips himself into Cinderella instead; and Little Red Riding Hood is repeatedly boned by randy woodsmen on her way to a wedding (which eventually turns into an orgy).

As undeniably vulgar as all of this is, the film proves to be crude in more ways than one, with a crap script full of dreadfully unfunny jokes, cheap-looking animation, and lousy voice talent. Quickly becoming both repetitive and boring, Once upon a Girl is a waste of animator's ink and paint, and the viewer's time.

"Once Upon a Girl" is a putative pornographic animated film which shows "dirty" versions of the fairy tales "Jack and the Beanstalk", "Cinderella", and "Red Riding Hood".

These animated stories are book-ended by unnecessary live action scenes, featuring a repulsive transvestite "Mother Goose" in court, on trial for telling these dirty fairy tales. "She" recounts them and we see them animated.

Unsurprisingly, the animation is pretty poor, and the stories aren't involving. It is hard to concentrate on them for too long, so the movie mostly just becomes a series of amusing images, such as a female giant using Jack as a dildo, him becoming stuck in her vagina, and almost being crushed by the male giant's penis when he returns home and has sex with her.

The other segments don't have creative moments like that, but they are a bit sexier, if not particularly erotic.

This all adds up to an experience that wasn't as bad as I expected, but nor is it anything to write home about, unless you live with people with a vested interest in pornographic animation, in which case you should probably consider looking for a new residence.

One would hope for a little bit of tongue-in-cheek humor from a film like this. Nearly every male American can remember at least one occasion where he and his childhood friends spent an hour or an afternoon drawing (what they believed was) the female form in all it's bare beauty. But at some point, most of us grew out of that phase or at least elevated it to an art form in art classes with nude models. This film however, is a return to those inane, dunderheaded attempts to self-stimulate with poorly-sketched, explicit naughtiness. From the atrocious live-action moments that closely mirror the stiffness of early John Waters movies' "stars", to the lackluster animation, this film is a complete waste of celluloid. The vignettes are obscene, which isn't a deal-breaker, in and of itself, but they are also absolutely incoherent and moronic faux-narratives. Any letter printed in Penthouse is more structured and inspired. Avoid at all costs!

The late Hal Smith (known most famously as Otis from the "the Andy Griffith Show") stars as Mother Goose in this extremely adult rated trio of animated tales. Goose is on trial for obscenities as she recounts X-rated versions of Jack & the Beanstalk, Cinderella, and Red Riding Hood. The first segment, Jack, is the most true to the original story and also the most humorous. The other two are plain awful, especially Cinderella which isn't just unfunny, but very boring to boot. Red Riding Hood i only slightly better even though it ha absolutely nothing in common with the original story. All in all this is much more miss than hit and as such I can't, in good conscience recommend it.

My Grade: D

DVD Extras: 9 minute interview with producer William Siberkleit, & theatrical trailer

Once Upon a Girl... (1976)

*** (out of 4)

Outrageous, over the top and often hilarious X-rated animation that spoofs three classic fairy tales. Mother Goose (Hal Smith; Otis in The Andy Griffith Show) has charges filed against her that deep down she's really nothing but an old pervert. Once on trial, Mother Goose must admit she is and tell the true stories behind Little Red Ridding Hood, Cinderella and Jack and the Beanstalk. Directed by Don Jurwich, the man who also worked with classic cartoons like Tom and Jerry, The Flintstones and Scooby Doo, this is one nutty little film that at times had me in tears with laughter. This is certainly an X-rated cartoon so kids should stay far away but I'm sure most adult, with a twisted sense of humor, will find this entertaining. The best segment is Jack and the Beanstalk, which is full of imaginative ideas. The other two are good but the writing is a tad bit lazy. It was also funny seeing Otis in drag during the live action sequences.