The Dallas Connection

This flic will be remembered as a classic for the some of the funniest dead-pan dialogue and gratuitous shots of T&A to fill one of the most absurd plots since "Gymkata". From the asteroid showers, to the extended shower scenes, to the blow-up doll decoy, to the awkward reactions to the horse race which obviously isn't taking place, this movie never stops entertaining.

It stays perfectly on the line between over-the-top farce while appearing to try to be a "real" film, in true Ed Wood fashion. It's amusing to read the comments of disappointed viewers who attempted to derive substance from this B-movie. This is one to watch late night on cable, preferably with some good friends and a keg.

If you've seen one Sidaris flick (even those directed by his son), I think you've seen 'em all. Bullets, babes, explosions. That was the formula and 'The Dallas Connection' is no different. The story is silly - not really worth a mention - and the budgetary restraints keep the action scenes on the short side.

The real value in a Sidaris flick are the women on display. Supplied here by Playboy Playmate Wendy Hamilton & Penthouse Pets Julie Strain, Samantha Phillips and Julie K. Smith (one woman who seriously makes me drool). Her cowgirl grind in the club and the hot tub scene easily take top honors.

Take away the little bit of action and this is a glorified T&A flick. You know this, I know this. It doesn't waste any time getting to the good stuff. Julie Strain has a sex scene intertwined with the opening credits. Unless you're in pursuit of seeing some pretty ladies get naked in a format only the Sidaris name could supply don't say I didn't warn you otherwise.

"The Dallas Connection" delivers the expected breasts, travelogue footage, explosions, and even some legitimate plot twists, but it has too many drawn-out non-action sequences, probably the result of Andy Sidaris & son Christian stretching the film to make it reach the 90-minute mark. As the female lead, Sam Phillips is a poor replacement for Suzi Simpson (not to mention Dona Speir). Suzi did a very good job in "Enemy Gold", and I wonder why Sidaris didn't cast her again. Sam is portrayed as useless in the action scenes. She is easily controlled by an unarmed man, while in "Enemy Gold" Suzi easily disarmed an armed man in about 3 seconds - see the difference? Julie K. Smith and Wendy Hamilton (a stunningly beautiful woman) do about 95% stripping and 5% action. Julie Strain is fine as long as she doesn't have to speak - when she does, the illusion is ruined. In terms of the female action quotient, this is probably Sidaris' most disappointing film since "Malibu Express". (**)

Howsabout this for dumb plot: a group of sexy female killers-for-hire (code-names Black Widow, Cobra and Scorpion) bump off several scientists, and are then given the task of getting hold of four computer chips that, when combined, can control a satellite with the power to pinpoint the exact locations of all of the world's weapons; it's a mission that might prove impossible to complete were the chips sensibly locked away in a high security vault, but instead each is hidden inside a medallion and worn out-and-about by government agents, making life a whole lot easier for the big-breasted assassins.

With such a laughable set-up and very little in the way of decent (non-sex related) action, The Dallas Connection is easily one of the weaker films in my Sidaris 'Girls, Guns & G-Strings' box set, but even though the film's writer/director Drew Sidaris possesses even less talent than his father Andy when it comes to telling a decent story, he's a chip off the old block when it comes to hot women, The Dallas Connection featuring some of the most physically impressive ladies of the whole series.

Leggy Julie Strain is back once again, as head assassin Black Widow, wearing her usual assortment of bondage themed outfits and skirts that fail to reach as far as her stocking tops; assisting her is blonde Julie K. Smith (as Cobra), owner of the film's most impressive chest, and scorching brunette Wendy Hamilton (as Scorpion) who really knows how to work the wet suit and thigh-high PVC boots look. Working for the good-guys, we get silicone-chested Sam Phillips as Samantha Maxx, one of the agents tasked with wearing a medallion. All the ladies get nekkid at some point or other to get it one with the film's assorted hunks, making this one just about worth a watch despite the dreadful story, diabolical acting and dull direction.

I watched this movie last night - largely because of all the little people in the cast. Their guns were bigger than they were. Those secret radios that the good guys were given - what were they, Sony Walk abouts? Do the actors get paid when they make something like this? My favorite little guy was Bruce Penhall (from Chips), if he's 4'9" tall I'll eat my boots. Best scene was when of the little guys was at the beach with his jet ski and a babe shows up wearing a thong bathing suit and leather high heeled boots that went up to her crotch. I can't count the number of times I've seen that same outfit at the beach - it's so practical. I kept waiting for Erik Estrada to make a cameo, everything else I've seen his personal butt boy (Bruce Penhall) in has also had Erik making a grease show of it. Erik was probably booked making his land commercials for that hillbilly resort in Arkansas. All this film lacked was a mud wrestling scene.