Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe

There's a hilarious scene in this film where a topless Jesse Ventura invites a young boy to join him on his bed for a story about two men who were once partners; it's just one of many unintentionally funny scenes in this utterly dreadful (but still moderately entertaining) sci-fi adventure in which Mr. Ventura plays Abraxas, an 11,862 year-old intergalactic policeman trying to prevent renegade cop Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorsen, channelling Arnold Schwarzeneggar for his performance) from finding the 'Comater', (the aforementioned young boy), who might possibly have the 'Anti-life equation'— the secret to eternal life—locked in his mind.

A prime example of totally nonsensical 90s straight-to-video sci-fi, Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe repeatedly boggles the mind with its pitiful direction, dire performances, shockingly nasty sax/widdly guitar soundtrack, and nonsensical script which delivers more unfathomable sci-fi claptrap than the current season of Dr. Who (which is saying something). However, as awful as some of the action gets (in one ridiculous scene, a small-town cop under fire produces an Uzi from nowhere!), nothing is quite as bad as Ventura's hair (or what's left of it): partially balding with a rat's tail, Abraxas should have spent less time hunting for Secunda and put a bit more effort into trying to find a decent stylist.

OK. Nobody in their right mind could have expected much from this movie. But even though I knew Jesse Ventura was the headliner and that the budget was low, I didn't expect this film to be as bad as it was. The most glaring problem, surprisingly, isn't the acting. It's the sound. Ventura enunciates so poorly that it is easy to miss half of his lines (not that it matters in terms of moving the "plot" forward), and the sound itself is reminiscent of 16mm home movies. Expanding on the awfulness of the recording quality is one of the worst background soundtracks I have ever been forced to endure. Improvisational jazz, a U2-clone new wave band, and what sounds like a 12 year old with a Casio keyboard are randomly applied to the scenes in a manner reminiscent of the classically awful soundtrack of Manos: Hands of Fate. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060666/usercomments?start=10

Ventura and his arch-enemy (Sven Thorsen playing a cross between Grizzly Adams and Arnold Schwarzeneggar) don't bother with facial expressions, changes in pitch or intonation, This is probably a good thing, because the rest of the cast is actually passable. James Belushi's cameo is the highlight of the film. His scene is really quite funny, and placed well in the film, since it is likely to bring some viewers back from the brink of suicide. Damian Lee has a remarkable repertoire of poorly made extremely low budget films, and Abraxas is, amazingly, one of his better efforts.

The "plot" consists of two super-beings, one a rogue and the other a kind of intergalactic super-cop, who have arrived on earth. The rogue immaculately conceives with a human in order to spawn "the com leader" (At least I think that's what they call it - the sound is so bad that even after hearing this about 50 times in various accents, I still don't know what was being said). The com leader is a little boy who has the ability, when upset, to light fires and "spontaneously combust". Remarkably, the writers do not seem to have been aware that this phrase connotes self-immolation, not destructive potential. Abraxas' job is to stop the rogue, and to kill the 'com leader'. The Com Leader's mother is played by Marjorie Bransfield (the class of the acting talent here), and she appeals to Abraxas' super-humanity in an effort to save her son.

Predictable is too subtle. This film is frankly obvious from beginning to end. I can't recommend it to any but the most disciplined bad movie watcher.

The overall story is not dreadful, but it plays along as if a 10-year-old wrote it. Combine that with sub-sub-par acting, minimal (at best) effects work (someone had a lot of fun with gasoline explosions), and a soundtrack that sounds like it came straight from a bad '70s porn flick, and you end up with "Abraxas." There are a few funny parts, though. One was Jim Belushi playing a principal named "Latimer." That was his character's name (and position) in his earlier movie, "The Principal." The other was a character saying "a parsec is not an acceptable unit of time measurement on Earth." Obviously, a nod to the infamous "Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs" line from Star Wars. Overall, if you don't *have* to see Abraxas, don't.

He's no Laurence Olivier, but Jesse Ventura is very likable as an actor. Low-budget science-fiction B-flick with shades of "The Terminator" involves good cop Ventura chasing bad cop Sven-Ole Thorsen from the future to present-day Canada. The shoestring special effects are pretty much a joke, and the film never comes up with the kind of futuristic scenario depicted on the poster. However, this thing is almost single-handedly saved by handsome Ventura's low-key performance. No, he's not going to win any awards for his acting, but he doesn't force his dialogue and is an appealing presence on the screen. The picture is the epitome of mediocre, it isn't original nor remarkable, but on a minor, TV-viewing level it's decent fare. ** from ****

Anyone who writes up a serious critique of this movie is INSANE!!! It's hilarious, end of story. Thank God somebody made this film. Laughter therapy all the way.Among the sordid and strange moments in this movie are scenes a women giving birth without taking off her pants, and disturbing (but funny) "moments" of bizarre intimacy between the lead man and "Tommy" the young alien/human hybrid. MST3K would have fun with this one but it's already so funny on it's own there's probably not much they could add.Just go in expecting the corniest plot, most cliché-filled narrative, and worst acting you've ever seen in a movie and you wont be disappointed. Just don't eat while watching, you might choke. 10 line minimum huh? Well that's all i have to say. :)