Catch the Heat

It's hard to believe that acclaimed writer Stirling Silliphant wrote this lame screenplay until you find out that the movie's star, Tiana Alexandra, was his real life wife. He didn't do her any favors with this vehicle that failed to make her a star. Apparently she realized the awfulness of this movie during production, because throughout she gives a performance that comes across as being extremely p*ssed off about being there. Her bad performance is a big reason why the movie fails, but the movie also suffers from being extremely boring. There are only two (brief) action sequences in the first half of the movie, and those action scenes as well as the action in the second half come across as extremely flat and without any excitement at all. The only thing of interest in the movie is that it was filmed on location in Argentina, which does occasionally give a backdrop that's eye-catching.

If it were not for spunky heroine, "Checkers Goldberg", played by Tiana Alexander, "Catch the Heat" could be dismissed as just another mindless shoot em up to fill the drive in theaters. Her performance is so upbeat and entertaining however, that it overcomes the "I've seen it all before" plot. The first hour is the best part of "Catch the Heat", with "Checkers" kicking and killing "Professor Toru Tanaka". The late David Dukes is along for the ride as Alexander's partner, but his performance is completely forgettable. The same could be said for Rod Steiger, who plays a geriatric villain. The movie is not to be taken seriously, and comes across as more or less mocking itself. - MERK

My review was written in May 1987 after a Cannes Film Festival Market screening.

"Feel the Heat" is an unabashed action showcase for oriental actress Tiana Alexandra, wife of film's scripter Stirling Silliphant. Previously seen in TWE's exercise video the "Karatix", Alexandra is a real looker, solid martial arts practitioner and the only reason to sit through this weak programmer.

With apologies to Whoopi, Alexadra stars as Checkers Goldberg, a government narcotics agent working for David Dukes, who is sent undercover to Buenos Aires to infiltrate Rod Steiger's drug ring. She poses in outrageous Suzie Wong slit dresses as a bubble-headed dancer, immediately turns Steiger on and stumbles upon the secret of the smuggling operation. It turns out (believe it or not) that Steige4r has $500,000 of heroin surgically implanted in his dancers' breasts unbeknownst to them, and sends them to America where silicone is substituted for the smack. Alexandra dutifully goes along with the gag in hopes that boss Dukes will arrive in the nick of time before her cover is blown, i.e., before Steiger and his doctor discover she already has a massive chest hidden under those tight-fitting gowns.

This nonsense is just an excuse for all-purpose chase scenes and shootouts, plus Alexandra kicking into submission various thugs, even felling the massive former wrestler Professor Toru Tanaka. She's alluring and sports a perky personality, but hubby Silliphant's klutzy script sinks the outing. It's hard to believe the writer of "Narcissus on a Red Fire Engine" for tv's "Route 66" seri4es and a horde of other interesting shows and pics penned the dumb puns and vulgarities here.

Dukes, Steiger and the supporting cast have little to do.

Tiana Alexandra plays kung-fu copper Checkers Goldberg. Yes, this is not a typo. Checkers freaking Goldberg. Despite being 100% Vietnamese she is given this goofy name (What, Shamus O'Reilly was too unbelievable?) and even goofier starring role as any hint of real talent is basically her knack for slow karate moves and looking good in a wet t-shirt (apparently bras are optional at this police department). Checkers and her partner Waldo, (David Dukes who tries really hard, no really he does!) are sent to investigate heroin dealers in Buenos Aires that have been shipping the smack back to Los Angeles. Turns out it's Rod Steiger with a toupee so bad it trumps any international crime the drug dealing might incur. Steiger's Jason Hannibal is also a talent scout and that's where Checkers becomes acquainted with him as.......Cinderella Poo! What is it with these names? Turns out Hannibal is smuggling the drugs into the U.S. by stuffing it into breast implants. Why they would send in a woman with sizable knockers in the first place is a mystery to me. With all the attention, rightly so, on boobs, you'd think you would get to see a pair every once in a while. You'd be wrong. This is like a Fred Olen Ray movie if Mr. Ray had become a Mormon. Not fun. Eventually Checkers kicks and chops her way through men three times her size all the while enduring every sexually charged innuendo by Waldo who was not aware of what a litigious society the work place would become in the nineties. A sideplot concerning Waldo's feelings for Checkers is clumsily heaped in to add another layer onto their partnership. The "heat" ain't coming from the sexual chemistry from these two that's for sure. A movie by boobs about boobs that show no boobs except for the boobs who watched this. Catch a nap instead.

At some point in the 1980's I guess the Shoot 'em up genre was considered to be guaranteed box-office gold. That fact must have been on the minds of the producers of this horribly made 1987 action movie. Instead of gold what we have here is pure Hollywood hokum. At its best, it is an extremely dated, nonsensical, wholly unappealing movie with the flimsiest of plots. At worst, it's downright racist with the female's lead stereotyping Asian women and their 'in-abilitee to no-talk-ee good EN-grish.' Rod Steiger does nothing to help, sleepwalking through his role as a South American drug smuggler / talent scout (yes,...really). The inane "A-Team" style, rock 'em - sock 'em, kung-fu action interspersed throughout the film does nothing to salvage this sinking ship. Neither does the attempt at a love story between the male lead and his Asian co-star. Even a hot, kung-fu kicking babe can't save this rambling, boring, beast of a movie from the weight of its own lumbering storyline, painful dialogue and grindhouse acting. Don't waste your time.It would be more entertaining to go down to the local Chinese deli and spend the evening watching the clerk clean the meat slicers.